I hate Judd Apatow. I don’t know whether it’s because his movies suck and aren’t funny, but for some reason has convinced Hollywood that he’s fucking awesome and gets 10 movies a year, making him richer than most people for making garbage, when the rest of us don’t get paid shit for making garbage, unless you count the fact that if you leave it lingering long enough in your shit hole apartment, it starts to smell like dirty pussy, but as far as I am concerned that’s not payment. Or whether it’s because I think he’s a pedophile and after seeing his live show where a good 10 minutes was devoted to his daughter’s vagina, puberty, breasts and his movies are devoted to girls who look like they are 13 and who are put in sexual situations with Jewish guys like Seth Rogan who look 45. Or whether it’s because he casts ugly fucking chicks to be in all his fucking movies except for The Sarah Marshall one because it had Mila Kunis in it, and I don’t hold that against her, because we all need to get paid some day.
It also had Kristen Bell in it and these are the deleted sex scenes that weren’t censored properly, letting you see her pasty covered tits as she rides Russel Brand. Good times.
So Kristen Bell and her pasty fucking body getting sunscreen sprayed on is obviously scared of the sun, when she should really be scared of letting Dax Sheppard inside her, because I hear once you go Dax you never go back because no self respecting man would sleep with his sloppy seconds because no one has low enough self esteem and no girl is hot enough to justify banging someone who has banged him, not even Kristen Bell.
The truth is that I’ve never really been overly affected by dudes who have fucked my wife or girlfriends being in the same room as me, if anything I feel like we have some kind of bond and even if we have nothing much to talk about awkwardly, we always have the chick to fall back on and compare war stories about. It’s like having a 2 man on chick threesome, without the awkwardness and homosexual overtones/undertones (I never know the difference between tones), and if anything should be a bonding experience between men, but Dax throws that beautiful thing down the toilet. Another beautiful thing he’s thrown down the toilet, Kristen Bell. Not that I like Kristen Bell or think she’s attractive at all, but I know you do, so I’m just trying to fit in, something that happens everytime I put on a pair of pants that doesn’t have an elastic waistband.
I am not posting these pictures of Kristen Bell because she’s hot, because I don’t think she’s hot. I am posting them because I have a post office story and I thought these were fitting.
I went to the post office yesterday to pick up some sex toy that was sent to me and that I will never use because my wife doesn’t meet the weight requirements and because the last thing I want to do is see my wife sitting on an inflatable hot seat (google it), but it was sent to me for free and I take everything I can get.
So I walk into the post office, no one else is in the place, and the guy working looks me up and down, smiles and lets out the biggest fart I had heard since earlier that day when my wife was taking a shit and I couldn’t get the volume on the computer loud enough to block it out.
So as dudes farting and serving me at the same time, like it’s not a big fucking deal, I realize that he’s only farting in front of me because I look homeless and don’t deserve the respect of someone that he wouldn’t fart in front of and the whole thing depressed me, but probably not as much as these pics of Kristen Bell will depress you because she’s not naked in them.
I know you want to fuck Kristen Bell and it must bother you to see her bending and stretching for one of two reasons. Either she’s sore from how hard Dax Shepard slammed the shit out of her, or she’s preparing to bang the shit out of him. It’s the excitement of young love where sex is the priority and you can’t get your hands off each other no matter where you are because the raw sexual energy takes over all levels of thought and logic and it must be pretty painful for you to watch because the only thing raw in your sex life is your dick for rubbin’ it down to the bone.
Either way you can be happy to know she’s rockin’ the birth control patch on her leg so that this cocksucker Dax doesn’t accidentally pollute her womb with his spawn that I can only assume will be a lot easier to hate than him.
I have issues with Dax, I don’t know it is watching his horrible performances on Punk’d or the fact that he works out excessively to distract girls from his funny lookin’ face, or that he looks like a frat boy motherfucker who would annoy the fuck out of me while I’m trying to get a drink at the bar and he’s trying to get all the attention from everyone in the bar to make up for his funny lookin’ face, but I do know that it’s got nothing to do with the fact that he’s railing Kristen Bell. There’s nothing hot about her, she’s about as standard as Dax Shepard getting rejected from both acting jobs and women alike before he got a bank account and manipulated the world that he was worth hiring in movies because he was part of a successful MTV show.
Either way, here they are in love and we can only hope their plane crashes on their way home because the world’s seen enough of them already and I think they’ve both lead a good life and need to make room for people with a little more talent.
Bonus - Here are Some Pictures of her Badly Playing a Drunk on Set Even Though You’d Have to Be Drunk To Get Up In Dax Sheppard
I saw that Sarah Marshall shit and I use the term shit loosely because I can’t thing of something more representative of what I experienced for that hour and a half at cheap movie night. Instead of watching the equivalent of watching AIDS fester in the blood stream of a poor unsuspecting 5 year old who just got molested by her AIDS positive uncle on screen and set in Hawaii, I used the opportunity of having the time away from my wife to fantasize about the group of college girls sitting in front of me who thought they were coming to a good movie. I ran different scenarios through my head of what they would do to each other provided they just let down that front and accepted that all girls are dykes. I was trying to think of how they go to yoga class in yoga pants together and when they get home the more liberal one of the group who is more open about fucking her roommates decides to show off her moves like it ain’t a thing only she does it after getting out of the shower while wearing nothing but a towel, leading to the others to get naked in some sort of yoga experimental 20 something all girl orgy that I am watching from a tree outside their dorm room window.
The reason I hated this shit movie was because it was a fucking mess that didn’t make me laugh. I admit I am a joke snob and I never laugh because I don’t believe in it, but I think objectively it was not funny for anyone in the theatre except for the drunk guy who was trying to get his money’s worth, but based on his twitching, I think he could have been laughing at the voices in his head.
The writer was the main character who milked the fact that he sold a script and decided now was his chance to make himself famous in some ego-project that he casted himself for but should have never been cast for at all because the movie should have never been made. To make things worse the dude, who was ridiculously weird looking wrote in scenes of him showing his dick as many times as possible and I think it all stems back from the constant encouragement of his mother.
Either way, Kristen Bell wasn’t hot or interesting in it and compared to Mila Kunis was more on par with the ridiculously fat Hawaiian dude who worked on the resort but to be fair to Kristen Bell, here are pictures of her ass and I guess when she’s standing alone she’s worth a round.
I got so much hate mail about this Forgetting Sarah Marshall shit that I wish was actually about forgetting Sarah Silverman because she’s a fuckin’ stain on my brain that I’d love to forget….I got hate mail because I said that the only reason to see it is because Mila Kunis is hot. The hate mail came in from every loser who is hooked on Heroes and thinks Kristen Bell is the hot chick in the movie and that Mila Kunis is nothing compared to her.
Now I hate these kinds of debates because they make me realize how pathetic my life is, you know arguing about which girl I don’t know is hotter, it’s on some lame virgin shit that probably causes many debates in their virgin chat rooms online because they can’t focus on real girls but instead can invest all their time into fighting about sluts they see on TV.
That said, Kristen Bell was on Letterman last night and she’s nothing special. I tried to understand why you fuckers bothered sending me death threats over her, but all I could see was a normal lookin’ blonde chick who looks like every other blonde all American chick. She doesn’t have an amazing body and listening to her run her mouth off made me want to punch her in her thin barely there lips. Her sex appeal is not as high as whoever the fuck says she’s a better catch than Mila Kunis…and took the time to emails .it is however reminiscent of a 12 year old girl on the soccer team with the face of a 30 year old who is related to Kelly Ripa. I’d totally let her get naked for me, if it ever came to that and I’d watch her sex tape, but that’s not saying much considering I’d do the same for Whoopi Goldberg and pretty much anything disgusting with a Vagina because I am a pervert.
I woke up after 3 hours of sleep wondering why my wife never wants to fuck me. Sure I’ve got the whole impotency issue and there was a time she wouldn’t keep her slimy hands off of me forcing me to reject her and tell her how gross she was repeatedly until bitch understood the magnitude of what her obesity was doing to me sexually, but every now and then, my ridiculous sexual obsession and “Always Down to Fuck” attitude gets the better of me and she rejects me. I don’t know how often you’ve been rejected by girls, but there’s something really destructive to one’s confidence and self esteem when a bitch who you don’t even want to fuck turns you down when you’re willing to close your mother fucking eyes and pretend you are slamming a Sea Manatee or someshit.
So after waking up and forcing myself to shower off the dirty thoughts I had about my disgusting wife I came up with a rant about how when you first get involved with someone the sex is retarded and never ending, then one day it all stops and not because you want it to, but because they want it to and it makes me wonder why they stick around or why I let them stick around because instead of having trouble walking from having my penis owned, I have trouble sleeping thinking about how the fuck I am going to break into her box, despite how scary the shit is. I feel like I am like a fucking David Blane motherfucker trying chained upside down and dropped into a tank of hungry sharks lookin for the magic button that will turn the box on long enough to get in and get off and get the fuck out so that I can pretend it never happened.
Either way, here’s a clip from Forgetting Sarah Marshall that was just emailed to me where Kristen Bell has some stupid sex, trying to be stupid funny, in a stupid movie that is going to be a stupid success because the public is stupid and because Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell are the stars and they are stupid hot.
Kristen Bell and I connected at the soul because we were featured in the same magazine and if that’s not love. I don’t know know what love is. No seriously, I really don’t know what love is. All the love I’ve ever lied to myself about having has been for personal gain or for booze.
Either way, here’s Kristen Bell showing some cleavage at an Alzheimer’s party, because you know you can never forget how to get down proper….no matter how much you forget everything else about your life. In reality, the party only really gets started when Alzheimers becomes full blown dementia, because nothing gets the party started like flinging feces at the guests while screaming insanities…it’s so in style right now that celebrities like Britney Spears have started sporting the look.
Ok, enough of this stupidity, just look at her tits. Pervert..
I don’t watch Heroes, so I don’t understand all the hype, but I met a weird dude in the park who’s watched the whole season 10 times because shit changed his life. He was trying to convince me that my life was lacking in a big way because I wasn’t up on this shit and I had to clarify that my life is lacking in a big way for a lot more reasons than not watching some stupid TV show that people like him are obsessed with.
Either way, Kristen Bell is on the show and here she is walking in some kind of fitness pants that are kinda huggin her box, and despite not letting us know what she’s actually got inside the box, it’s good enough for me because every time I leave my house now, girls are rocking spandex or leggings, and I guess they don’t realize that leggings are one step away from naked and I can pretty much make out everything when they bend over to pick up my “packages” I deliberately knock off their table to get a better look of their junk from behind…or even when I stare at their mounds when they are just innocently sitting there …I know Kristen Bell isn’t rockin’ a pair of leggings, but that’s what this shit reminded me of and since I’m writing this shit, I guess I’m like Bobby Brown and more recently Britney Spears and it’s my prerogative.
I was at my local Starbucks the other day because it’s a cheap escape since the dude there hooks me up with free coffee and that’s a price I can afford. There was a young girl in her leggings with some dude and they were all in teenage love and shit. They kept kissing like no one else in the world mattered, meaning they didn’t notice me creeping on them the whole fucking time. Shit got pretty fucking intense after it went on for 45 minutes of them just making out and I couldn’t grasp the concept. I think the longest I’ve ever kissed a girl was for under 3 minutes and that whole time I was just trying to figure out how I was going to get my dick in her mouth or my fingers in her cooch. I ended up moving to the seat next to them and whispering in the dude’s ear “go for her cooter” cuz I figured he needed some pointers and his faggy intense kissing was getting to me. They ended up stopping, dropping and rolling….which was a good thing because if he wasn’t going to make I move, I was and I don’t need that kind of bad press….actually I do, my site sucks. At least I know for next time.
I love girls who love lingerie and it seems like all girls I ever met have huge collections of it, other than drug addicts with no money and who sell or soil their 2 pairs of underwear that they wash in public bathrooms to stay fresh but beyond the addiction love lingerie. Girls tend to have more panty drawers in their dresser than they have dude’s who want to fuck them in their phone and I am all for watching them try on every single piece they own. The shit makes them feel sexy and glamorous and makes me feel like the creep that I am, because I’m watching from the tree in their backyard with a set of binoculars, but I can still make out what’s going down and I am all for that, at least when they are rockin’ it for me and not for some other homeboy.
Jessica Simpson was there lookin hot….because she’s a Christian girl gone bad….and I love those.
Vanessa Hudgens was there researching what to wear next in her sleazy self-shot pictures with Zac Efron who was there pretending he likes women in lingerie when he’s more into wearing it himself cuz he’s gay.
Joanna Krupa was there…..because she actually gets paid to wear lingerie because she is hot….
Dita Von Teese was there….even though no one wants to see her in lingerie…but she is strips down into lingerie every chance she gets….
Kristen Bell was there but I still don’t know who she is….
I don’t watch Heroes, because I am not into the whole hero bullshit. I don’t believe in them. I am more into self absorbed pricks who don’t give a fuck about anyone, even themselves and drink themselves into an early grave while trying to bring everyone around them down with them. So I didn’t know who Kristen Bell was, but she was spotted in a bikini, so now I do and feel like a much better person for it, and by better I mean like a virgin. Because every time I post bikini pics, I always feel like a fag who can’t get pussy and who sits at home obsessing over bitches like the other people with these kinds of sites and reality is that I honestly don’t give a fuck about them or about them in bikinis. There is perfectly good pussy right outside my door for me to invite over to try on bikinis, but I do it for you, because I know you’re struggling so I guess in a lot of ways, that makes me a hero…unlike the buzz-killing asshole who’s covering her up with his gayer than Ellen pink blanket….
