I am no expert on pregnancy. There was a time when I was trying to keep an ex girlfriend around and figured the best way was to knock her up, so every chance I got to accidentally creampie her, I would. It never worked. There was another girl who wanted me to settle down and she thought that having a baby with me was the solution, without thinking about the fact that I was a deadbeat and couldn’t even take care of myself, but being the asshole that I am and excited about the fact that a chick actually wanted to carry my baby, because that’s pretty much the number one compliment you can get from a girl, I decided to spend a month trying to knock her up, before realizing how insane I was being. Lucky for me, years of hard living had killed my sperm harder than it killed my liver.

Now I don’t know if Laura Prepon is actually knocked up, but she is at Starbucks, and where I live all the maternity leave women spend hours a day in Starbucks because they have nothing else to do with themselves and need to get out, so I can only assume that she didn’t just gain weight, and her horizontal stripes aren’t working against her, because that shit’s supposed to make you look fat, I predict this is the early stages of her being knocked up because sometimes letting dudes come inside you feels like the right thing to do, until you realize you forgot to take your birth control pill and that you morally are pro-life and can’t get an abortion, even though everyone’s doing it because condoms are a thing of the past.

Let’s just hope her John Goodman Lookin’ motherfucker that she’s talking to, isn’t the baby daddy, cuz if the baby gets that metabolism, her vagina may break.

I have this new pickup line for you virgins to try. Go to a club and tell the girl you are trying to sleep with about how awkward you feel being there. When she asks why, tell her that you’ve banged every single girl in the place and they are acting like they don’t know you. She’ll totally fall for it and think that you are amazing in bed because a guy like you can’t get pussy on your looks alone, you must have some real talent. The whole other issue is that girls love UGG boots, they wear these fucking things from no matter what walk of life they are walkin, they don’t care if they go to a party and every girl is in UGGS, if anything it makes them feel like they made the right choice. I am just telling you to be the next UGGS, but instead of keeping their feet warm, you’ll make the hate themselves for letting a guy like you in their junk…

I once knew a guy who banged hundreds of chicks, and he’d always ask girls to be whatever number he was onto, he’d be like “baby, you wanna be number 156″ and it would work. Girls didn’t think Herpes when they got with him, they thought, “OMG 155 girls are onto this and I’m not, fuck that noise, I’m trendy too” and in return he’d give them HERPES but they’d only find out 6-8 weeks down the line….