I am gonna tell you how you spent last night, virigins. You got home from your job at the video store where you play the playstation on the display console when your boss is drinking in the boiler room. You ate the broccoli you mom over-cooked as quick as possible so you could jump into your old childhood bed. You took your trusty flashlight beneath your 30 year old Spidey sheets, and re-read some fantasy Tolkien knock-off involving dragons, beasts, and fairies, and arrows. Your favorite character is the tiny elfin nymph whose sexuality is left ambiguous. You put the book down and proceded to jerk off to the thought of the warrior-hero fucking the unisex fairy. This unixes fairy looks exactly like Michelle Williams, a 13 year old boy with a striking resemblance to Mia Farrow. You have to keep telling yourself that the book is wrong and the nymph is a woman and so is Michelle Williams, so you are not a homo or a pedophile.

I am not knocking your life choices, come on, I was a fucking hooker and am currently on welfare healthcare. But at least my life choices have always involved having real sex and not virtual elfin book sex with a character that probably looks like Michelle Williams. Here is your favorite boy-girl nymph strolling around Brooklyn yesterday without her husband Heath Ledger.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

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