I heard on the news that there was a tornado warning and I got excited because I have never been in a tornado and assumed it was a sign of the apocalypse. When the power went out and the overcast and wind rolled in, I was excited to see the world come to an end. Unfortunately, I was wrong, and people like Paris Hilton as still gracing the planet, but the good news is that she’s gracing the planet alone and she doesn’t have a little spawn growing up inside her tattered womb like everyone reported last week.

She is however, still a trashy attention whore who despite having no talent or skills gets away with being a bisexual cokeslut drunk, and instead of being sent to rehab to save her career, is paid lots of money to show girls how to dance to the wrong song that the DJ is playing because the beat doesn’t go with her pre-planned moves.

The worst thing is that little girls are just copying her bullshit, wearing the party dresses, dancing on the bars and talking like a semi-retarded valley girl who got in an a drunk driving car accident on prom night and things just haven’t been the same since.

It’s got so bad that even today, I saw a little asian girl rockin’ animal print boots, she was about 3 and I already knew what fate had lined up for her and I blame Paris.

Either way, Paris was at a club, drinking and dancing and I assume that if that doesn’t confirm she’s not pregnant, and the fact that she’s got more pussy diseases than the SPCA and can’t get pregnant is just speculation, pictures of her miscarriage dripping down her thigh, is in the only thing that will let me sleep easy and can only hope it’s in the near future.

Paris Hilton seems to have be a little jealous of Nicole Richie because Paris Hilton is a catty little cunt who wants the spotlight on her. She’s gone onto date Nicole Richie’s baby daddy’s twin and now looks like she’s knocked up. I guess this is a miracle from God, not because you’d think all the abortions and STDs would leave her barren, but because it means that the Good Charlotte sister’s don’t actually have vaginas. I remember watching some kind of documentary as a kid about a kid born to a herpes ridden vagina and how it had the shit all over it’s head like some kind of monster and that makes me excited to see the baby pictures, provided she doesn’t get a third trimester abortion when the baby miscarries due to her drug habits, eating disorders and when it realizes who’s womb it’s inside and kills itself.

These are some stalker paparazzi pictures of Paris Hilton smokin’ something while sprawled out on her balcony after taking a shower in what looks like a towel. I am sure she’s happy she dished out that extra cash for the beautiful city-scape view that has unimaginably beautiful sunsets….rumored to be some of the best in the world, when all you really had to offer the slut is a full length mirror. I was wondering if she is thinking to herself how she’s just not the woman she thought she turned out to be, but that’s probably way to complex for this whore and she’s actually just trying to get herself in the mood to rub one out and she’s the only thing that turns her on because she’s self-absorbed like that.

So for those of you who don’t know, Paris HIlton’s grandfather is worth 2.4 billion dollars and for her entire useless life she’s been expecting a huge cut of that fortune, but in the last couple of years after realizing that his grandkids are fuckin’ useless, dude decided to put shit up for charity.

In the clip, some British reporter asks Paris about how she feels about her grandfather scaling down on her inheritance and she demands for the next question like some spoiled little cunt who doesn’t wanna acknowledge the fact that her cunt and her antics for the last 10 years that have embarrassed her family are the reason he’s not facilitating their future.

I love how bitch takes this shit personally, like she feels she is somehow owed money just because he has it. I never understand that about rich kids, just because their parents are loaded, they think they are by default, but maybe that’s because I am not rich, but if I was, I can guarantee I wouldn’t just turn the product of my hard work over to a bunch of hungry leeches or to some partyslut with herpes, even if that partyslut with herpes was my wife. I’d rather give spend that shit to myself before I die, or maybe like Paris Hilton’s grandfather, I’d give it to AIDS research to save my granddaughter’s life, because she’s a useless rich girl slut.

I am sure these pictures of Paris Hilton in a see through have done their rounds already since they are a couple days old and that you’ve probably already forgotten about them and moved on, a lot like Paris Hilton’s vagina in everyday life, but her vagina always manages to find willing penis, so I figured these pictures would too.

I like how Paris Hilton is wearing a shirt that says Paris Hilton to remind everyone who she is. She’s like branding her nipples so that everyone remembers what she’s packing since the sex tape sales dropped the last 5 years when we all realized that we don’t give a fuck and that there’s a lot better amateur porn out there, porn where the girl knows how to fuck. Either way, the Paris Hilton shirt reminds me of the time I smeared shit all over my body in the shape of a T- shirt so that it looked like I was trendy in an earth tone Polo to remind everyone that I smell like shit and that I’m fucking disgusting…..it worked but I think I got the flesh eating virus because of it….I guess those are the consequences of playing with fire….kinda like the sensation every man has felt after having unprotected sex (the only kind of sex) with Paris.

I feel like I am slow moving today because my computer is slower than my wife’s metabolism, but I figure I’ll catch up eventually. Stay Tuned.

I missed out on the greatest day in Montreal History this weekend, while I was in the gutter drunk because it is my birthday, Paris Hilton was doing some launch for her new shoe collection and partying at some club. I guess she forgot to call me to let me know she’d be around but it seems like it was a big fucking deal, which is both a testament to how pathetic this city is and to the impact this bitch has on the youth. Shit was on the news and in the newspaper and teenage girls everywhere were cumming all over their Hannah Montana underwear as they waited in line for up to 8 hours to get a chance to shake her dirty little hand. The longest I’ve ever waited to get with an std ridden bitch was about 15 minutes while she was using rubbing alcohol to disinfect as I ran to the bank machine to get cash.

I probably should have sucked up my hatred and disinterest for the bitch and channeled it into something funny or creative. I could have dressed up like a crazed teenage girl fan and made her sign my ass, or maybe even get to interviewing her about whether she uses condoms or not, or even dress up in my neighbors suit and claim to be some kind of big record exec here and set up a meeting with her because she’s on some mission to get ahead but I suck at life so the best I can do is rip off these pictures for you.

The bad news is that there wasn’t a random shooting in the club she partied at this weekend. You know one of those drug deals gone bad situation where a motherfucker comes in a shoots the place up. I don’t wish death upon Paris, but a stray bullet to her leg or arm would probably do bitch some good.

I wasn’t going to post today and write April’s Fool tomorrow because I figured it was a good excuse to be lazy, but since my life is pretty lazy I didn’t know that April Fool’s is tomorrow so I have to wait a full day to fool all you fuckers and now that I’ve ruined my joke, which in all honesty was really shitty but I am not really capable of thinking up a new one because that’s how useless I am.

Speaking of useless, Paris Hilton was in Turkey having a nice romantic lunch with her lesbian lover Benji Madden and the paparazzi went nuts. Stories as big as Paris Hilton being in their country just don’t happen too often in Turkey and the dumb bitch fell on her face and hit her chin.

The funniest thing in this video isn’t that Paris Hilton fell, even though we love seeing bitch on the ground in hopes that she’ll never get up. It is how Benji Madden tries to defuse the situation like a good boyfriend by trying to reason with the Paparazzi that his baby hurt herself and he wants to take care of her. Everyone knows you aren’t supposed to treat a whore like that and if she happens to get hurt in time you spend with her, you are supposed to drag her out on the street by her hair and flee the scene so that you don’t go down with her.

Unfortunately, momma’s boy Madden thinks the noble thing to do is to be a gentleman about the whole thing, so that he can take care of Paris, without realizing how much of a pussy it makes him look like. The reality is that leaving Paris on the ground in her own blood amongst rabid paparazzi is the best help he can give her. You know sometimes the best way to teach a kid how to ride a bike is to let him fall off it a few times first.

This is Paris Hilton, we’re talking about, she’s the kind of girl you try to push down the stairs, not pick back up and brush off after her awkward self trips over her huge feet, then causing a scene basically coming out of the fuckin’ closet like a little pussywhipped girl for the world to see.

Here’s a video of the Paparazzi in Turkey fighting over Paris because not much else is going on there and it’s more interesting than Benji Madden’s coming out video…

You would think that Paris Hilton would offend a country just by entering it, but it turns out that she has the capacity to go even further by taking their traditions and giving them herpes by posing in her stupid way that someone mistakenly told her was cute and she hasn’t stopped doing since. It’s a lot like that time I went to some native american rights protest and danced around slappin my mouth like I didn’t pay taxes.

I guess the biggest shock was that she was asked to be a guest judge for their country’s beauty pageant which doesn’t really say much for Turkish women, but knowing me, I’d probably still ask them to let me watch them bath, you just can’t stop a pervert.

Paris made another appearance with the Good Charlotte sister, only this time it was in Vegas at a club because hosting events is pretty much the extent of Paris Hilton’s contribution to the world.

She is wearing some kind of miracle bra that would piss you off if you ever met a girl in a club with tits like this and brought her home to find out she’s staked like a 12 year old fat kid, but I guess that’s not really anything you’d know first hand, since the girls you get don’t actually exist and are just things you fantasize about in your depressing basement apartment.

I guess you could understand the frustration if you switched your fantasy up a little. So next time you jerk off, imagine the girl who you picked up at some exclusive event, with tits bigger than your head gets into your exotic sports car and starts suckin’ your 10 inch dick. Once you get her back to your luxury hotel suite that costs you 2500 dollars a night, but that doesn’t phase you because you’re so rich, she starts to undress. First the dress comes off, and her body is banging in some expensive sexy lingerie set and you pounce on her like a rabid dog. You go for her tits and all you find are silicone inserts and a really strong push-up wire bra that you awkwardly try to take off but can’t so she does it for you and next thing you know you’re trying to stick your dick into you best friend from elementary school who you spent everyday of summer vacation with.

I guess that’s the beauty of fantasy, they always go into weird dark places but no one needs to know how fucked the shit that makes you cum is. It’s your little secret to yourself. Kinda like when the Good Charlotte sister used to dyke out on each other back when they were 14 and experimenting their sexuality together. It’s their little secret that is only remembered by the matching soul-mate tattoos they got, but they never re-visit except when fuckin’ their 14 year old boy lookin’ girlfriends.

I guess the only thing faker than Paris’ Cleavage and Good Charlotte’s rockstar persona, because that shit is posing harder than the bra is squeezing her tits, is this staged relationship. Enjoy.

We all know that Paris Hilton contributes nothing to the world, not in the music or film world and not even in the porn world. The only reason her DVD did so well was because she was not the average porn star and it was a bitch we saw in the media being seen the way we wanted to see her and it wasn’t because we thought she was hot or important, it’s because we are just perverts and like seeing how bitches we see around fuck. It’s the same reason I have multiple restraining orders against me. I am not embarrassed to admit that I’ve climbed my fair share of fire escapes and trees in backyards and set up my fair share of hidden cameras in the bedrooms of girls I know who would never fuck me, just to see them in action out of curiosity, not out of some sick sexual perversion because it’s not like I was masturbating when I was doing it….but it turns out judges don’t really think that’s a valid defense.

Either way, here she is suckin’ at flaunting her cleavage, but I am posting it anyway, because tits are tits even when they are attached to a bitch we all can’t stand.

The big news of the day that no one cares about is that Paris Hilton is fucking Benji Madden. He is one of the Good Charlotte Twin Sisters, the only twin sisters you don’t want to see fuckin’ each other because they actually have penises but are still gayer than fucking gay. I can assume that it all started in the womb when one of them used the other’s developing penis as a pacifier or maybe it was when they were curious teenage boys with a dream of pop stardom and a libido that couldn’t be satisfied unless each other’s dick were in their mouths….some people have blanket for comfort, like Fergie sang about, other people suck their thumbs and the maddens suck each other’s dick….maybe it’s normal, I’m not a twin.

Either way, Paris has moved in on her best friend’s baby daddy’s twin and that’s some incestuous shit. I guess when you throw your vagina at someone with a broken heart, it’s pretty hard to get rejected. Sure he is on the rebound from recently broke up with a much hotter Sophie Monk, but the real broken heart happened when his brother left him for little boy Richie and knocked her up, forcing them to only get in each other’s mouths at family functions….it’s a sad story, but not as sad as the day Paris calls him with the pregnancy test results and he finds out that he was just part of a scheme trying to outdo her friend and steal some of her glory by becoming sisters in law, instead of sisters in spirit. Maybe he can get another gay tattoo to remember this day by….because he’s that kind of loser….

You know Paris Hilton is a huge star when I find pictures of her dancing at a club and hugging up on some chick like they are best fucking friends for life on Facebook. She’s like one of those accessible celebrities who hangs out with anyone who isn’t famous around her because they are the only people who are impressed by her and it’s good for her ego. They are the kind of people who feel like they are important just because they are in her slut presence and Paris needs that positive affirmation because everyone else in the world thinks she’s a fuckin’ joke. If it wasn’t for these select few ass lickers out there, there wouldn’t even be a Paris Hilton, the harsh reality of her sucking at life would have hit a long time ago and bitch would have jumped off twentieth floor balcony back then.

So as long as there are socialite wannabes and horny dudes willing to fuck some skinny coked up bitch with herpes, there will be a Paris Hilton because she’ll think she has a purpose and we’ll have the facebook uploads as memories of each and everyone one of these club night encounters and I hate all you fuckers for that.

You are the same guy who made this fat bitch I know think she’s all fuckin that, like god’s fucking gift to sucking cock who thinks she gives the best fucking blowjob the world and deserves presents and to be worshipped all because and asshole told her she was awesome. What she doesn’t know is that when getting a blowjob from a willing girl, it’s always the best fucking blowjob and we tell you that it’s the best fucking blowjob because we are trying to fuckin’ cum and if we were to focus on your fucking flaws at giving a blowjob we’d go fuckin’ limp and forced to jerk off like we always fucking do, making the whole blowjob a waste of our time. So don’t let this get to your head bitch, it’s just part of the fuckin’ process and we tell every girl who sucks are dick that she gives the best fucking blowjob and you don’t deserve presents or to be worshipped, because your blowjob was average at best, it was just the best blowjob we were getting at the time. Cuddles.