I thought that Tila Tequila was a tacky, trashy, cheap lookin’ whore who only got famous because of a fake set of tits and a slutty myspace page. I thought she was some identity crisis immigrant trying to fit into America by taking on their customs and raping them, by getting tattoos to help convince us that she’s a tacky, trashy, cheap lookin’ partyslut who belongs here, but that was before I realized that shit read “C’est la Vie” in French, throwing my theory that she is trash in the trash, because everyone knows that anyone with a foreign language on their tattoos comes from a cultured, rich and educated background or some d-list lesbian try hard.. Either way, she’s barely showing off some nipple and my post didn’t work out how I planned, but I did meet a girl who has been fucking Pauly Shore for the last few months, just because he is semi-famous and I laughed in her face because dude is Pauly fucking Shore and he may be known, but is still a pathetic existence and a joke of a person, but she wasn’t havin’ it, his d-list fame was enough to get her panties off and in hindsight, I should have done an interview with her about the sex, instead of making her hate me for laughing at her, but who fuckin’ cares, here’s Tila.

I met Tila Tequila once, if you count being in the same building as her when she was hosting a celebrity event after lying to one of the bouncers saying I was her manager getting me about 20 feet of her and not really bothering to check her out because I was more interested in seeing people who go out to get autographs by this nobody, because they’d probably be more than willing to believe me when I tell them that I have an MTV show nobody watches and that I am a guest of Tila’s and that if they show me their tits, buy me a drink and put my penis in their mouth, I’ll introduce them, but instead got too drunk to do much more than drink more and not talk to anyone.

She seemed nice enough, like she knew she didn’t deserve the attention she was getting or the money she’s made being a whore and a liar who isn’t all that hot, and that made her more appreciative to her fans, despite not letting them hug her. That night I found out that Tila had a boyfriend the entire 2 seasons of her show and that everything you see about her out in public is a fucking lie and all part of her image, including this fake titty cleavage and weird hipster headband, but the Alien head is all real.

Bonus That’s Not Really a Bonus - Here are some pictures of her really ugly lesbian publicity stunt, who was once Lohan’s really ugly lesbian stunt and who is trying to stay in the picture because her daddy wasn’t there for her all those years he worked long hours at Yahoo! and someone’s gonna notice her fuck, at least that’s what she’s hoping, what she doesn’t realize is that we all notice her, because she’s fucking uglier than my wife’s shit that I have to clean off the toilet, only more Jewish.

Here’s Tila Tequila showing the world the trick she used to land her first job every pretty much every job since.

Speaking of sluts working, I was at the strippers on Saturday night and I managed to get kicked out because one of the whores came up to me to ask for a dance, right as I was sitting down. I told her that I didn’t want to grab her tits yet and that I needed to get into the mood by watching the other girls, not really because I wasn’t in the mood but because this bitch had a mangled fucking face and a body that was begging to be covered up and had broken out in hives as a protest to her doing exploiting it, when it had no business being exploited.

Either way, she wouldn’t fuck off and I told her that I needed to get some drink in me just to continue the conversation a because beer goggles were the only way I could get through it without turning gay and that I didn’t think they had enough booze in the place to make me want to see or touch her naked and I have low fucking standards so she she should just fuck off and find an old desperate man who is just happy to talk to a 19 year old girl and who doesn’t care about how ugly she is as long as he gets the attention and instead she went to the bouncer like a little cry baby and I was asked to leave.

Tila Tequila has made a career of being a party slut, so that should give all the party sluts out there hope that dancing in skirts short enough to show their panties for men in Ed Hardy shirts and bottle’s of Grey Goose, that they actually have a purpose in life that runs a little deeper than sucking rich dude cock when drunk only to be never called again by them unless they do a good performance and the dude feels like feeling like a superstar with party sluts on his arm the next time he saves enough of his call center money to pretend he’s ballin’.

Tila’s got the bisexual thing, the skimpy clothes, the Playboy pictorial and the millions of myspace friends to let us all know that she did something right with her fake tits and here are some pictures of her hosting some club event that really lame people attend in hopes of seeing this girl they watch on a second rate show in the flesh.

I was at the Montreal Tila event last week and the funniest thing of the night wasn’t watching her dance around and sip her drink for idiots with cameras hoping for an amazing new Facebook album, it was that people actually believe her fuckin’ show. I was told she’s been in a relationship with a dude for a few years, the show was just a concept to make her money and get her out there and were asking tons of questions about the show like she was real and had an impact on their lives. One girl next to me asked TIla if she missed the bull dyke she didn’t choose in the Finale that I had the privilege and I use that word very fucking loosely to wach Shot at Love show and Tila had no fuckin’ clue who the fan was asking about, because she just used the bull dyke as a tool to get ratings and didn’t know her by any name other than bull dyke. Truth be told, I actually had a soft spot for the lesbian, maybe it’s cuz I like licking pussy too and feel we have a common ground, but more because she was a nice girl who legitimately looked hurt, meanwhile a year later, Tila, the love of her life, didn’t even know who the fuck she was.

I guess none of that matters, but what does matter is that she’s wearing a see through shirt for all these assholes who can go home happier knowing they brushed shoulders with the girl who had the most friends on myspace.

Other than that, she’s hotter in person and I’d still give her a shot of my love and I am talking about my sperm in case you didn’t get my really lame joke, but I don’t think she really wants it because she didn’t pick me out of the crowd to go back to her hotel room to introduce me to her fiance because I guess I don’t spend enough time at the gym and my old homeless look doesn’t really look as good to her as tight fitting over-priced t-shirts.

To See My Legendary Moment Meeting Tila Tequila Click HERE

I spent Saturday drinking all day, because that’s what I like to do everyday. I figure if I am not drunk by 5 pm, I’ve failed, since it’s the only thing I am good at, according to me, according to everyone else, I’m some kind of evil drunk who takes down everything in my path, but since I black out and never seem to get arrested I figure I’m no real threat, unless I haven’t been caught for shit I’ve done and don’t know I’ve done, which is really the whole point of drinking because last time I checked I drink to forget and not to remember.

Either way, I heard that superstar Tila Tequila was going to be at some chachi club that I can’t fucking stand and decided since I was drunk that it would be funny to try to get in wearing my jogging pants and mustard stained T-shirt. I got to the door and couldn’t get through the crown of Ed Hardy shirt, tight jean wearing immigrants so I called a friend who I knew would be at the event because he has a crush on Tila.

Either way, he ended up getting me on the guest list and let inside, but that didn’t stop the harassment, every chick in the place looked at me with disgust and cleared a 5 foot circle around me like this was some kind of dance off while everyone else in the club was crammed together. I approached the area they had sectioned off for Tila Tequila and her friends and got this video of her doin’ a little dance. It’s a far cry from a sex tape but there’s only so much I can pull off with a limp dick, no social skills, a bodyguard tying to keep me away from her and a mustard stained shirt. Enjoy.

BONUS - Here are some Bikini Pictures from Some Photoshoot of Her Being All Active and Shit…

Here’s a video of the popular myspace slut who got famous on the internet for being a girl lots of dudes wanted to fuck because she had cheesy half naked pictures of her club slut bottle whore lookin’ self online in a time when guys thought the only girls on the internet were overweight and crazy….It turns out that despite being a shitty star on myspace that lead to being a shitty reality TV star, she’s also got some kind of shitty music career and in the video she’s in lingerie showing off a pretty hot bisexual body with a few other sluts, because I guess they like to stick together because that way they can feel like the hottest group in the bar while shoving beer bottles in their drunken vaginas and sharing war stories of gangbangs and herpes outbreaks for a group of dudes who spend too much time in the gym.

I didn’t listen to the song, because I am sure shit is garbage, but I am all for people who jerk off to music videos because it is the poor man’s porn and I like helping out anyway I can. I’m like Princess Diana like that.

The funny thing about Tila Tequila is that she became famous on myspace, while I tried to become famous on myspace and got up to 3000 friends only to get my account deleted by those News Corp motherfuckers…I guess that really isn’t funny at all, but it does give sluts everywhere hope of getting noticed and the dream of fame coming from being a myspace slut and myspace sluts usually have pictures I would jerk off to if I wasn’t impotent. I guess that’s all I have to say about this slut, but don’t think I didn’t notice her wasting perfectly good booze by pouring it all over her fake titty self instead of drinking it. I guess she doesn’t realize that alcoholics like me find the whole thing fucking offensive as shit because I’d die to have that booze with me now, instead I can’t even afford a fuckin 40 of malt liquor and try distracting myself by looking at her lame fucking pictures. I am all about insertion pics these days and in case you didn’t notice she ain’t inserting shit. Go fuck yourself Tila Tequila and your myspace fame too. Cuddles.