I am not posting these pictures of Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey pictures because they were broken up and now they are together on Valentines day like some kind of fucking romance comedy about the fucking holidays because their lives are that fucking cliche thanks to uncreative PR people who used all they had on the pictures of them fucking in a hot tube in Mexico a few years back. I am posting them because she is in her bikini and I like bikinis, especially when they are on girls or were on girls at least once in their careers. It makes cumming easier unlike Vanessa Minnillo, who just doesn’t have what she had when she was younger and she shouldn’t take it to heart, it’s kinda what happens to bitches as they age.

Pics via Bauer

So bitch is rockin a bikini on the beaches of the Virgin Islands, which is kind of appropriate because you’re jerking off to these pics and well, let’s face it, fucking yourself doesn’t count as losing your virginity….I don’t know why I bother with the you’re a virgin jokes, they really aren’t funny but I guess funny isn’t really my thing…

The reality is that I write this site for hot chicks and if you’re reading this and not a hot chick, you’re seriously fucking up my masterplan. I figure hot chicks like celebrity shit and I don’t so it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make in attempts for getting them to fly me out to Virgin Islands or really any tropical place, including their bathrooms, because compared to the shit hole I shit in, the local gas station bathroom is luxury, to watch them frolick around in a bikini, but only because the hot chicks I am interested and who I am writing for are also rich and willing to support me.

This is all part of my hot chick brainwashing quest, because I am tired of seeing hot chicks with guys I consider losers, even though they are good looking and have money and cars and buy them nice things and treat them better than I will, because Chachi motherfuckers and their magnums of Grey Goose with their gel haired dropping jokes from some shitty movie they just saw or doing the Borat are the people who deserve to be virgins.

Either way, Here are them there pics.

I got a thing for watching useless d-list celebrities shopping, mainly because it reminds me that a lot of people who suck at life are doing a lot better than I am, and that is the kind of re-affirmation I need to continue hating myself.

While leaving the bar last night, I ended up seeing one really hot chick and her ugly friend walking down the other side of the street with bikes in one hand and the front tire in the other. I have a thing for girls who steal bikes , that shit is like porn to me, so I decided to run up to them and see what the deal was, hoping I’d have a better outcome than the last time.

The hot girl was decent with me and joking around about how they stole bikes, but her friend went fucking crazy on me for being english. She was telling me how fat and ugly I am and how I lack culture because I don’t speak their fuckin’ language. She went on about how French is Montreal and how I have no business being there, so when I asked it that meant she wouldn’t let me watch her masturbate she fuckin’ lost it and tried to have a fight with me. I was fucking wasted and felt like punching a bitch in the face woulda made for a good end to my night, so I tried to convince her to hit me first, but she just got in her cab, with her stolen bikes and drove out of my life.

Reality is, I don’t hit girls but I woulda used to opportunity to just tried to wrestle her to the ground and start makin’ out with her, because fighting with girls is embarrassing, because I know she would have won.

Speaking of winning, it looks like Nick Lachey didn’t win the lottery with this slut after spending a couple years slammin’ Jessica Simpson, this is a step down, but she’s still better lookin’ than I am and even if that isn’t saying much, it’s sayin’ something…like I’d still watch her touch her toes, over and over and over….

Do you remember when Nick Lachey and his girlfriend went to Mexico and frolicked around naked and fucked in the hot tub and it was all caught by some photographer that they had the Mexican government kill and forced all the pictures that were released off the internet so that in a couple months time it would be like they never happened because we would have all forgotten….it turns out that they weren’t forgotten and these pictures surfaced recently in some Spanish Magazine.

I am not an expert at spotting fakes, but these are pretty believable to me. I would assume that this Minnillo slut has a solid bush and I am okay with that because I am a fan of bush. I can never tell whether I am a legitimate fan of bush because I haven’t come face to face with one in years, not because waxing and shaving is what every 14 year old and her mother does now as scheduled as brushing their teeth, but because I am a married man who doesn’t ever look at his wife’s cunt. That said, I think girls with bush are breaking down the mainstream, they are saying no to the Chachi way of bald and owning their natural state and when some girls tell me over the internet that they have never shaved before, it reminds me of some kind of magical forest that the building developers haven’t started building on, or like a deserted island that no one has ever visited and that shit is hotter than razor burn.

Either way, I don’t want to get sued so I am going to just link this site that has the pictures loaded. Although I like seeing celebrities naked, I don’t like when they use some of the money in there huge bank accounts to get their revenge on me…..Even if they could be fake.

These pictures were taken by photo agency FAME and they are of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo naked. Unfortunately the fuckers sold the picture to Life & Style magazine and the uncensored version hasn’t hit the internet yet. I emailed x17 asking them to send me the unedited version, which could have been a mistake since those fuckers hate me and sites like me and sue all of our asses as often as they have to to protect their really lucrative, yet sleazy business of taking pictures of celebrities naked. The reason I am posting these is in hopes that one of my 12 readers, that means you, works at this magazine and has a copy of the original.

I always was fascinated with pubic hair and pussy and always wanted to know what bitch is rockin’. I remember when I was in school I used to ask all the girls to tell me about their pubic hair. I’d want to know what color shit was, I wanted to know how shit was maintained, was it bald, was it rectangular, was it triangular, was it dealt with by using scissors, wax, Nair or a razor or was it full blown bush. I never got kicked out of school for sexual harassment, only because it was a different era, no one ever complained and the teachers were probably just as into the shit I was doing and the information i was trying to get as I was, that’s why they were highschool teachers and didn’t have real jobs.

If that happened today, I probably would have never finished the ninth grade. They would have kicked me out and sent me to therapy or an all boys school or some shit good thing they didn’t because an all boy’s school would have given me little information for my autobiography that I will never write that is going to be called Life as a Pervert.

Here are some pictures of Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband who left her and ruined her by driving her into weight gain and alcohol abuse, proving that tits aren’t enough to make a girl worth living with but the potential of making millions of a reality TV show used to market the shit out of you is…either way he’s with his new girl Vanessa Minnillo and bitch is in a bikini and riding him all sexy like and shit and dude looks all uncomfortable, probably because he wishes she was his brother so that they could “wrestle”.

The whole concept of having a sexual history is fucked. You may be married, you may be in a relationship, you may have been laid once, but that doens’t change the fact that everytime you’ve thought about a girl who isn’t the one you are with, the girl you were with was thinking the same fucking thing, you know remember all the guys who fucked her better and had a bigger cock than you, so you shouldn’t feel guilty about the fantasy, trust me, your bitch is totally just setting for you…

If you may have no sexual history, you do have many masturbation experiences you can look back on to get all hot and bothered, like the time you did it in your parent’s bed, or outside in public, or in front of an open window so the neighbors could watch, or at that party in the bathroom while people were knocking, or on the roof of an abandoned building, or in the park in the rain…you know where I am going with this….

I am sure Nick still jerks off thinking about slamming Jessica, you know when he’s bored of that Vanessa box, he digs into his metal archive of every position he got his ex wife into, but he’s probably just doing the whole girl thing to get girl fans who dream about being his next love interest and the reality of the situation is that he really thinks boys is where it’s at…that’s why he shaves his chest as a notice to all the fags out there that he’ll be waiting behind the local gay bar for you….That’s why she’s so excited and he looks annoyed by the whole girl in bikini thing…cuz chicks dig fags.

I know you all think I am a racist, so notice that I didn’t say she looks Aboriginal.