I realize why Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson, it’s because she’s the only one stupid enough to find his sense of humor and broken artist act charming and believable enough to have sex with and he had to do whatever the fuck he could to lock that shit down for fear of spending the rest of his life alone because he knows that the rest of the world knows he’s full of shit.

So dude’s decides to make a funny little mask out of a paper plate pretending to be selling ad space on his face because he feels like a walking billboard because people are all looking at him and thinks it’s funny to play off on that with this stupidity, in some sort of high school musical performance art project.

What dude doesn’t seem to realize that the only reason people give a fuck about him is because he’s some record label’s marketing tool to reach 14 year old girls, and in reality is a walking billboard for them in hopes of selling records because he sold his useless crying emotional and sexually confused soul to the devil when he got into this business so his bullshit comedic attempt doesn’t really translate very well.

He isn’t some misunderstood artist, he is just a tool being used, and paid accordingly by the bigger corporation that owns him. So as he tries to be punk rock about things, and while his cunt wife giggles because she thinks he’s being so crazy and that this whole thing is so fucking funny and wild, since she’s a fuckin’ sheltered idiot with no talent and has no idea what the fuck is going on, the rest of the world just shakes their head in disappointment and wait for the day that we read about a newlywed couple involved in a murder-suicide.

I guess the good news is that at least they have found each other and the funny thing is that if someone was to email his “douchebag.com” email, he’d only get to keep about 10% of the profits after running it by his management, label and PR team because this motherfucker is already owned as he is out promoting clothing companies, future record releases and closet-case sexual confusion. I hate this 5 foot 4 insecure piece of shit and what he doesn’t know is that he’s not making a joke, he is a fucking joke and his wife is fuckin’ ugly.

So Jessica Alba doesn’t like the paparazzi taking pictures of her and gets so aggressive that she’s throws up the finger like it ain’t a thing, making me think that she is going to be an abusive mother with no patience. It would probably make sense for Alba to relocate during the pregnancy to a small town somewhere that paparazzi don’t hang out. I feel like hitting up the local Baja Fresh in Beverly Hills is probably putting yourself out there at a level you shouldn’t get mad at the paparazzi for, making her look like a total piece of shit cunt.

I guess it’s nice to see that her mother has stepped in to take care of her while Cash Warren is out doin’ his thing because he is still bitter than she didn’t get the abortion he demanded because he knew she got pregnant by using a sperm sample she spat into a tupperwear and kept in the freezer in case he ever left her. What isn’t very nice about her mother stepping up to the plate is that she’s fuckin’ disgusting looking and seems like the only plate she’s been stepping up to is one full of fuckin’ bacon.

The whole look at the mother when landing the chick obviously wasn’t taken seriously when Cash Warren hooked up with Alba in her peak without realizing it was going to be a life sentence, because if this is a glimpse into the future it’s not so fuckin’ bright. To be fair to Alba’s mom, maybe she’s packin’ on some pregnancy weight since her daughter’s overeating is a good excuse to indulge her eating fantasies like the time I gained 25 lbs when one of my girlfriend’s got knocked up but the difference was that my chick got an abortion and I was just making excuses to eat late night pizza.

Either way, here’s Alba and her mom.

I was told that the Audrina’s tattoo was a stupid prank for the stupid Ashton Kutcher show that has to be totally bombing because his ideas for fucking with the paparazzi involve suck. They involve people from the fuckin’ Hills, who no one cares about, getting really bad fake tattoos that are…wait for it…supposed to be the wrong chinese characters that read “Pork Fried Rice” instead of “I’m a useless cunt trying to ride this wave as long as I can because I have nothing to offer the world”. She’s so desperate for media attention, she’s released nude pictures and lucky for her Ashton is so desperate to keep his show afloat and can’t find anyone remotely famous to go along with the stupidity that he turns to her. I already posted this shit Here and Here , but figured I’d show you assholes the final prank being played the way they wanted it to trick all of us, when I don’t think it really did.

The only real funny thing about the whole thing or at least the first 10 seconds I watched of it is how the old dude is coaching her how to act when she gets her tattoo to make the whole thing more believable, like bitch is so fucking useless and talentless that she needs tips on how to fake getting a tattoo…I wonder if she needs tips changing her tampon and wiping her ass because if she does, I’d be willing to help even though my track record is pretty bad, at least that’s what my soiled underwear tells me, but I am willing to try….

Watch Part 2 Here if You’re That Interested…I wasn’t.

This was a funny clip that reminded me of Valentine’s Day but probably doesn’t remind you of Valentine’s Day because Jane Fonda says Cunt on morning TV making me believe that things in mainstream media are slowly moving to the stepSIDE…..Either way cunt reminds me of Valentine’s Day because the shit is so accessible today, every single girl or girl who’s boyfriend didn’t get her a nice enough gift is out there ready to get her legs spread like butter on toast by anyone they can get because Valentine’s Day is a total mindfuck for chicks that makes them either feel completely inadequate or completely amazing depending how it is played out….

Anyway - Since you don’t get cunt, even on the easiest day to get cunt it would be more appropriate if she said something like “Lonely Virgin who will live a sad life and die alone after years of let downs but will always have his hand to satisfy him until losing all interest in sex and giving up on boners and orgasms or until that really inconvenient accident that happens when building a shed in the backyard to store your Star Wars memorabilia leaves you crippled and handless, unable to masturbate but at least you’ll always have the option of whores once you get past the neurotic behavior you’ve developed being alone for so long, making you scared of hiring whores partially because you don’t know how to fuck chicks and don’t want to look bad or feel unable satisfy someone with so experience and because you’re lonely life has led you to being a bit of a hypochondriac and whores are dirtier than your immaculately clean home and bed sheets you obsessively change everyday because it gives you something to do at night during commercial breaks of your favorite shows”……..or something like that….

I am pretty slow on this because I am pretty fucking hungover. I guess that’s what happens when you drink but drinking shouldn’t be an excuse for me because I try to always be drunk.

I decided that I want to do a video of doing things sober and proving that I can do the same task while drunk…like important shit like performing surgery on someone, operating heavy machinery and whatever else you consider important. I probably won’t do it because I hear the camera adds 10 pounds so I wouldn’t fit in the frame but lucky for you, Britney’s vagina does.

I am not going to write the standard shit about how it probably smells like cheetos or that she’s so dirty and gross because I don’t care what people say and it looks pretty nice and well contained to me and because I am sure the women reading this have way grosser shit going on in their pants and have probably had a lot more unprotected cock than Britney ever has, but you just don’t realize that you’re a slut because you don’t want to admit that shit to yourself and because all your friends are sluts too and because you let the guys wine and dine you while the whole world isn’t watching you so you think you have self-respect. But we know what’s really going on with your meaty fucking junk.

I overheard some chick ranting about Britney replacing the words to the song “Gimme More” with “I’m a Whore”, I felt like my brain had just been raped by her bad joke that she thinks is genius and probably dropping to everyone she sees like she just found the cure to cancer…speaking of rape now you can live out those Britney rape fantasies with a picture of her box, instead of that useless drawing you made on the back of a cocktail napkin.