I am a dog lover, like Aubrey O’Day is, only a different kind of dog lover. I think dogs are cool and fun to be around and less annoying than people are because as long as you feed them they love you and everytime you come home from wherever you’v been, they act fucking insane like you’re very own groupie at the concert you are headlining that is your life. I don’t have a dog, but Aubrey O’Day does and she loves it in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. I find it abusive and reminiscent of Jon Benet Ramsey, the Dog Version. I’m talking doing it up the way you want it to be done up with crazy hair and make-up, touching it inapprorpiately, then killing it off the second something new and exciting comes along.

She reminds me of a friend I had when I was 11, who was clearly a pyschopath and was bound to do some pretty sick shit to people unless he got help, the kind of kid who would hunt squirrels and disect them and shit for fun and one day when at his house he wanted to show me something cool and took me to his basement with his dog, where he proceeded to make out with it, touching tongues and grabbing at its dick and shit and turned to me offering me a turn because it was good practice for when we get with real chicks, and instead of taking him up on it, I got the fuck out of there and didn’t speak to him again.

I guess the only thing better about these pictures of Aubrey O’Day dyking out with her dog is that I can distract myself with her tits.

There’s this really mean bull dyke that lives around the corner from me who is always out playing fetch with her 200 pound german defense dog….when I say playing fetch, I mean bitch is in the park wrestling the motherfucker like she’s training it to kill any man that they cross paths with. I can tell every time I walk by them and smile at her lesbian haircut and her lesbian denim and her lesbian combat boots and her lesbian tattoos and her lesbian piercings and her fat lesbian ass, and both her and her dog snarl at me, that she would just love to watch that dog rip my penis off my body and probably the body of every other man in the world so that she can have the girls all to herself. Lesbians are so selfish.

Either way, I wasn’t surprised to see that Jessica Biel has lesbian dogs, mainly because she’s a dude. So she’s just training her dogs to rip her penis off, because she hates it for fuckin’ up her act and it’s time to get rid of it, instead of the penis of every man in the world like the bull dyke who lives in my ‘hood.

I like how she’s not making eye contact with the paparazzi, like pretending they aren’t there and it reminds me of every girl I’ve ever had sex with and that totally turns me on. Does that make me gay?

UPDATE - I HAD TO REMOVE THE PICTURES BECAUSE THE PAPARAZZI ARE FUCKING LEACHING MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WANT TO EXPLOIT PEOPLE AND MAKE TRUCKLOADS OF MONEY……AND ME POSTING THEM TO THE 6 OF YOU IS APPARENTLY ILLEGAL, BUT TAKING THE PICTURES AND SELLING THEM ISN’T. COCKSUCKERS