Amy Winehouse was seen at 6 am walking the streets barefoot in her bra lookin’ like she just woke up for an refreshing good night’s sleep and I think she’s lookin’ pretty hot, but I also think a plastic bag of ground beef is hot, that’s just because I live with a wife who is about as sexy as the shit she leaves smeared on our toilet seat, which is actually a lot hotter than it sounds, but still leaves me impotent.

The reality is that I am a monogamous masturbater. That pretty much means that when I used to jerk off I would only do it to the same girl over and over again, like we were in some kind of relationship she never knew about. If I wasn’t impotent, Amy Winehouse would be that girl but that’s just because I have a thing for skinny girls who are down and out and on the verge of death because I know that if she knew someone was jerking off to her, maybe she’d feel a little better about themselves and wouldn’t overdose. I am a hero like that.

Just remember if you see a girl on the street lookin’ like this, don’t run away, she’s already half naked and she’s probably easy pickings so you won’t have to cry to your friends about never getting laid. She’s also probably too busy self destructing to be high maintenance or demanding on you, you know asking why you never call or why you don’t want her meeting your friends. She’d pretty much be a dream girlfriend.