So I gave up on the staying locked down shit, it wasn’t working for me and figured if people actually want to kill me, I should just let them try and see what happens. I’m gangster like the suburban kid who shot himself in the leg to tell all his boys that he was shot in a drug war.

This whole daylight’s saving shit is freaking me the fuck out. I went out for my coffee and it was dark outside. I realize that I live in a freezing cold hell and all that shit, but it’s never this dark at 4 pm. But then I realized that Daylight’s Saving time hit and that it wasn’t the apocalypse or anything Will Smith would be trying to save me from in a movie, which was kinda disappointing.

Since my memory is so shot from drinking, I decided to relive last week in this post by throwin’ up these Alessandra Ambrosio pics like all you college kids were throwing up all over your stupid costumes last week. The funniest thing Halloween is how everyone thinks they are so creative with their costumes and when I go through people’s Halloween pictures, everyone wears the same fucking costumes. I guess there’s only 20 concepts people have to choose from and run with, so you see a lot of repeats, like Halloween is Seinfeld and the Playboy bunny is a popular one, so Alessandra may not be all that creative but at least she’s hot and got legs while doing shit a lot better than the 200 pound girl I saw trying to get away with the same fucking costume a couple of days ago. I guess Halloween is a day for dreamin’.

You’d think Petra Nemcova would have dressed like a mail-order bride, but I guess since she was saved from the Eastern European sex trade by American modeling agencies she thinks she can get away with denouncing her birthright and I always hate when people get big and pretend they weren’t who they were in their past.

The other day I saw a hooker I used to roll with and she pretended she didn’t remember me. She was young and took a few wrong turns, but by the time she was 21 pulled it together, went to school, got a job and is now married to some rich dude and has some kind of rockin’ career that allows her to drive her kids to Starbucks in a Range Rover. I am an asshole and like to call people on that shit, maybe it’s cuz I am bitter that I am still living the same shitty lifestyle and it makes me feel better to let people know I know they are living a lie. So I walked up to her and said what’s up, she pretended she didn’t know who I was at first, but then I dropped her name and said how I knew her. She tried to blow shit off like it was a long time ago and a lot has changed and kept trying to change the subject, but I was persistent and kept telling her she should write a movie about it. Apparently, her husband and her social circle have no idea what she was up to when she was 19, but I do.

That said, Petra Nemcova will always be a mail-order bride in my eyes, she’s just way too expensive for my blood, but you can take a girl out of the human sex trade, but you can’t take the human sex trade out of girl. At least that’s my theory….and I am sticking to it. On a side note, I just won employee of the month over here at DrunkenStepfather.com so it’s a big day for me and my colleagues that include me.

Heidi Klum is pretty hot considering all the damage she’s put herself through, like all the kids and the huge black penis but that doesn’t really phase me, because the girls I know are a hell of a lot more damaged and look a hell of a lot worse than she does, even when she’s dressed like cat.

I was walking down the street the other day and saw some crazy woman talking to herself while walking her cat, like she had the motherfucker on a leash and was just walking it like it was a dog and since I never understood cat people I automatically assumed she was fucking nuts. The cat looked pretty fucking confused, like it wanted me to save it from the hell life it has, because if bitch is willing to take the cat out in public without any embarrassment, who the fuck knows what she does with it behind closed doors. I don’t think she’s fucking her cat, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she washes it and dresses it up in little costumes and makes it do dance routines like her own private circus and I think what it all comes down to is that bitch never had kids and this is what happens to girls when they realize they are 50 and alone. But then the woman got on all fours in the middle of the sidewalk and started barking at her cat like she was a dog and I realized that this woman doesn’t realize she’s alone at all, she’s too busy being fucking insane.

So Leelee Sobiesky is some kind of art fag and I fucking hate art fags. Her Halloween costume fucking sucks and it reminds me of some kind of obscure silent film or some shit. Not to mention she’s hanging with busted faced freakshow with expensive looking camera that is probably taking pictures for her next Art Gallery Show and Leelee is the theme.

The reason I hate art fags is because they take themselves so fucking seriously. They sit around and discuss the meaning of other people’s work and why the artist decided to take the picture from the angle they took it from and the whole thing is way to boring for me. The thing I like about art fags is that they are easy to convince to get naked for the sake of art because that’s just how committed they are to the cause and I am pretty sure that that is how porn started. Some guy who couldn’t get pussy, was like what if I pretend that I am an artist and the next thing you know, girls were lining up for him to take pictures and video of them naked, because for some reason being the nude subject in art is a lot easier to accept than being a whore.

Unfortunately, art chicks aren’t hot and either are Leelee Sobiesky and her friend, but I’d still give her head. Get it…cuz she’s carrying a head around. I know, I don’t know where I come up with this golden material either, I guess that’s why I live in a fucking dive of a shithole apartment that is so broken down that even real shithole apartments refuse to step foot inside because they are scared of catching a disease from the toilet.

Girls don’t understand that after we’re through banging them, we really want nothing to do with them, until the next time we want to bang them and have no better pussy lined up. That’s how people end up married, they get hooked on the constant sex that takes little to no work to get, because we are lazy. The same goes for porn. Once we’ve seen a girl fuck a ton of dudes and suck a ton of dicks, we’ve pretty much got no use for her, because we know we’d never fuck her and if we really wanted to, we’d just have to come up with about 10,000 dollars, because all pornstars escort on the side. So I don’t even know why I am posting these Tera Patrick pics, she’s pretty much dead to me and I don’t even watch porn. People never believe me when I say that, but it’s true. Maybe it’s because my penis doesn’t work and I can’t pretend I am the dude fucking some nasty big pussied whore but I think it’s just because I don’t like what porn chicks look like. I am more into amateur shit, but that’s just because watching real couples fuck is real and not performance art like the studio shit, not that there’s much art or performing involved, but shit’s not real.

Either way, here’s Tera Patrick wearing more clothes than we’re used to seeing her disgusting ass in, eating more food than her fat back probably needs and rockin’ out with her pimp of a husband who probably feels like he won the lottery, but that’s just because he’s bald and Jewish and she’s good for business, and by business I mean managing her is his source of income…but I am sure they are in love….just look how he sticks his tongue out at her like she’s an ice cream cone if you don’t believe me…because everyone loves ice cream, especially my wife.

I was going to say that these are some pictures of Paris Hilton dressed like herself, looking like she always does, but in her stupid mind, she probably thinks she’s supporting the troops or some shit, but then this video landed in my inbox and in it she says “I’m wearing this for the troops because I know they’re having a hard time right now and don’t really get to celebrate Halloween.” I think the war would be a lot more fun if the troops actually dressed like this, it’d be like watching a bad drag show where they kill each other, but I guess we’ll just have to leave it up to Paris to be the bad drag show, while living her life of luxury and real people are dying. If she really wanted to support the troops in Iraq, maybe she’d head out there and let them fuck her so that they can get sick leave, or maybe she could send each one of them 10,000 dollars to help pay for the therapy they’re all going to have to go through when it’s all over. Point of this post is that Paris is a cunt….and I know someone who booked her to host their party and she charged 30,000 dollars and an 8-Ball of coke. True Story.

Bonus Pictures of Her in Dancing With Sluts and Midgets in Another Costume Inside the Club Dressed as “Jail Bait” Because Irony is What Paris Does…Since She Was in Jail and Is Far From Jail Bait….Maybe 10 Years Ago…Now She’s Just Washed Up, Haggard and Has Had a Couple Hundred Too Many Dicks…

I love legs and Stacy Keibler’s got some fucking insane legs and here they are covered in some stockings like she’s some kind of fetish model or some kind of doll, which is probably something you relate to, since you’re always on the real doll site trying to design your perfect woman when your ugly wife is at work, but you know you’ll never be able to afford one.

I have a problem where I fall in love every time I leave my house, and by love I mean I want to see at least one girl naked every time I walk outside. Last night was a girl dressed like an Indian who I kept running into throughout the night and when I was drunk at 3:30 am and saw her for the fourth time I decided to try to seduce her so I screamed some frat boy cheesy shit like hey little indian, let me rape and pillage your village, steal your land, kill your men and knock you up and teach you how to speak english, then when I am done with you, I’ll throw you in the backyard, but you won’t need to pay taxes and you can open a casino and sell illegal cigarettes. She didn’t end up getting naked for me, but little blonde indian girl in white from montreal, who bumped into a homeless lookin’ motherfucker who smelled like urine and was standing alone by the DJ Booth, if you’re reading this, the offer still stands.

Here are some pictures of Britney Spears’ flashing her ass in her Halloween costume, not because I like her ass, but because I like ass in general and I don’t discriminate, except against black people like I’m Dog the Bounty Hunter. I don’t even understand why anyone is so surprised he used the word “nigger”, just look at his fucking hair. I think half the members of the KKK are rockin’ that look while drinking beer in their backyards building crosses to burn or fixing motors.

But that’s not the point the point is that I got really drunk last night and I am just waking up, so I figure what better way to start our day together than lookin’ at some Spears Ass. I am sure that anyone who has woken up next to her after spending a night in her septic tank doesn’t feel the same way, but who cares what other people think. It’s all about you and me baby.

I don’t really know if these Danielle Lloyd pictures are new or old, mainly because I don’t spend that much of my time thinking about Danielle Lloyd or following her non-existant career, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I am not trying to imply that I’ve got better things to do with my time because I don’t, but I like to think just sitting and staring at the wall is more interesting than keeping tabs on this slut, except that this slut shows up to events the way all girls should show up to events, everyday of the week and all my wall does is stare right back at me.

They say this is her on Halloween, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was her on everyday of the week, her half naked body is what makes her money, so it’s kinda her job to dress like this, now make it your job to look at it, because we all know it’s better than your last job bagging groceries that you got fired from because it was too complicated for you to figure out. Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re a loser, everyone else probably does, but not me. Cuddles.

Here are some pictures of Christina Milian in her Halloween costume, because today is Halloween and a time to dress up like an asshole and have a good fucking time doing it, while everyone laughs at each other and you end up going home with the girl dressed like a princess or a dirty cop or a slut to live out some kind of fantasy that on any other day would throw off the girl you’re slamming.

I once asked a girl to dress like an aborted fetus while I dressed up like the “abortion” doctor so that we could live out my abortion fantasy and she wasn’t having it, probably because it was on Valentines Day and because it made her feel uncomfortable, because she had an abortion when she was 17 and never really got over it but I know if I had dropped that shit on her on Halloween, it would have all been gravy, and by gravy I mean fake blood and pussy juice.

Here are some pictures of Audrina Partridge from some Halloween party dressed like Madonna in the 80s who was apparently some kind of sex symbol at the time, but looking back at it now, definitely wasn’t because she looked like a fucking clown. I know that there are some people who like clowns to juggle at their kid’s parties, even though anyone who becomes a clown is usually a drunken degenerate or a pedophile, making wanting to fuck them a smelly and awkward experience, that probably happens because girls have the weirdest fucking sexual fantasies, like fucking their teachers or bosses, or fucking virgins (which is good news to you), or even fucking their dad’s friends, because there’s power in making someone break the rules for their pussies.

Either way, I am sure she’s a nice person, because with a face like that, she’d have to be, it’s pretty much all she’s got going for her, other than all her money from being on a shitty TV show….that I’d like to wallet fuck even if it meant telling her how beautiful she is everyday. I hear girls like that shit.

Hayden Panettiere dressed like a skinny looking girl in a bikini for halloween, but we all know that hiding somewhere under that bikini is her stalky troll body…I guess she is hollywood and this is the magic of movie special effects make-up or some expensive bikini or some shit because I rarely see girls take off her clothes and look better than when she has them on, but when it does happen it’s magical. We call those kinds of girls “sleepers” because no one notices them, and when you get them and their over-sized t-shirt comes off and reveals perfect tits and a bangin’ body you ask yourself why you were wasting your time with the hot chick everyone else is trying to get their dicks inside because she wearing revealing clothes trying to get attention and it’s working…..and laugh when you decide to let them have the hot whore and not be one of the assholes trying to hook it up because you just won the fuckin’ lottery with this sleeper.

I did once knew this girl who was the girl everyone wanted to fuck and somehow I got her back to my place when wasted, not that I had a place at the time, but she was too drunk to realize we were in under an overpass. Either way, as the clothes came off and the padded bra turned her C’s into manly pecs, and her controlling underwear turned her booty into a sloppy bowl of corn pops and I didn’t wanna have my Pops like their commercial always told me I did. But then her hair extensions came off showing off her female-pattern baldness and her make-up rubbed off turning her into a fucking monster…and it wasn’t halloween….

I am thinking that’s kinda what’s happening in these pictures, only it happens everyday while Hayden puts clothes on. It’s like as the t-shirt goes on, her abs turn into a gut and as her slim fit jeans go on her legs get short and thinck. For the record, I still slammed the bitch, but that’s just because I have no standards and how often do you get a girl, even if she doesn’t really look like a girl under an overpass wanting your dick, and by wanting my dick I mean passed out and having no idea where she is….