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I used to own a piece of shit car. This was a few years ago when I needed it to get to work because I am too luxurious for public transport, despite being poor as shit. I just couldn’t handle being next to smelly immigrants who would rub up against me, or the 9-5 slaves that looked pale and exhausted in their boring fuckin’ lives. Shit would make my hangover induced anxiety ten times worse than just driving. Everyday, I’d wake up and go out to my piece of shit car and there would be a flyer on it saying “we buy scrap cars for scrap metal for 300 dollars or less”. Now I paid at least 2500 dollars of my wife’s money for the shit box that year and wasn’t about to give it up for a couple hundred buck, but I didn’t know whether I should take the eager scrap metal guy’s request as a compliment like my car is a hot piece of shit, or as an insult like my car was a piece of shit that deserved to be trashed, but I do know it’s probably the same feeling that Sharon Stone gets every time she leaves her house because despite being an old piece of garbage of a woman, someone out there’s probably willing to fuck her for a couple hundred dollars….

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I made the mistake of getting completely wasted and by mistake I mean the right choice that ended with me at home with a couple of hot 18 year olds drinking a bottle of wine my wife bought for our anniversary a couple of weeks ago and wanted to keep as a momento, without realizing that I am an alcoholic and can’t deal with being that close to booze for too long without drinking it but I knew she’d be fucking furious when she found out.

Anyway, we all ended up passed out on my couch and it was the closest thing I’ve had to a threesome in years and the good news was that the 2 girls pissed my wife off so much that she didn’t even notice I drank her wine.

Here’s Adriana Lima’s hard nipples to start this glorious afternoon.