I know the dude with Kate Beckinsale is being photographed with is younger, cleaner, more attractive, less creepy, richer and has way more style that any of your virgin creeps, but the reality is that he’s not the conventional kind of person you’d expect to see hanging out with a celebrity you want to fuck. I know he’s not fucking her, or ever going to see her again brings hope to you.

Hope that all your cards play out the way you want them to and the you will one day you be next to Kate Beckinsale too, because cumming in your pants while she signs an autograph for you is a hell of a lot more exciting than jerking off on her printed up picture like you have been doing since you first saw her in underworld and realized she’d look great nice to your Star Wars action figure collection….

I guess if hope is what keeps you from killing yourself, then I am glad that I saved yet another life. I’m a modern day hero…..send nudes.

Jesus is having issues right now, obviously. So you get to suffer through my thoughts/life until his dick/computer is fixed…

I am hauling ass to Brooklyn tonight to bar hop with my friend “Shanna” while she’s in town. Shanna and I made out once in community college, and since you whip it out every time a Girls Gone Wild commercial comes on, here’s how this went down.

We were at a party and our boyfriends ‘dared’ us to kiss like we were 6 and in the sandbox. Now as a hooker, I did one threesome with two guys once, one threesome with me and another hooker once, and was paid to get down and nasty with that same hooker in front of a bunch of suits as some sort of office bonding experience. I don’t get off on sliding around with girls, it’s just a lot of work and I already have the same parts. I also just hated threesomes in general and refused to do either combo again after the first time: two guys is really just homo, two girls gets so competitive.

But back to the story. I agreed to kiss Shanna since she seemed really excited and we had already seen each other naked before, so whatever. But mostly I did it because my ex-boyfriend was there with his new doberman-faced cunt, and all the hype drew a crowd, and he naturally followed. I wanted to make this fucker’s balls turn blue because he dumped my ass for this fat upstate slag that lived in his dorm, so he wouldn’t have to trek a mile to my place in the snow for sex. So I full throttle sexually assaulted Shanna, and we went at it for around 4 minutes, sucking face, grabbing ass, taking off each other’s shirts, cupping each other’s breasts under the bra, giving the audience just a peak, licking, etc.

Afterwards, Shanna and I complimented one another on the suppleness of our tits and lips. Our boyfriends were satisfied. Most importantly, I walked up to the ex and asked if he had enjoyed the show, he kind of stammered and walked away, trying to hide his raging erection. The ex, his hard on, and his bitch left immediately after that. At least I know that when he fucked his slut later, he was thinking about me. I win.

Here is MK and Ashley Olsen at the airport doing what they do best: looking skinny, electrocuted, homeless, and semi see-through. You know the thought of these two getting it on together used to turn you on because the only thing better than girl on girl is twin on twin. But they are doing there best to kill your dreams by looking like they rode in the baggage compartment. Try and masterbate. You can do it. The end.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

I am feeling really uninspired. There are no good pictures for me to write about. I am still hungover and I don’t have much to say. I had this video lying around from a few months ago and figured that it is worth posting now. I don’t think poor people collecting cans to make some money to feed their families is all that funny, but on a nice day the day before your weekend I figure I should try to take you down a notch from your perfect little world. A little back story is that these women went crazy on me for taking the video, they kept calling me a dirty son of a bitch and I ran away from them like the pussy I am. I figure since they had no shame in picking up people’s trash, they’d probably have no shame in jabbing a broken bottle in my neck or some shit. I didn’t get that part on vide, but I’m not good at this shit so this will have to do. Enjoy your weekend and spending your hard earned money on things you don’t really mean on the beautiful summer days. Asshole.

I am feeling uninspired today and I am not sure why. I heard some sad news about a fatal car accident involving someone I have known for years and a family member was lost. It really breaks my heart even though I am not close to the family. It’s one of those things that reminds us all that it’s important to be safe when you can and to try to enjoy everyday because you just never know. It is also important to put petty arguments aside and try to accept those around you for who they are and realize that we are all different, because the last thing you want is to get that dreaded life changing phone call and feel regrets about how you lived and the relationship you had.

I know that this is a horrible loss for this family and there’s nothing much an outsider like me can do or say, all the cliche and awkward things a person does say may not change the way the family feels but I am thinking about them and hoping for the best.

I know that I would be destroyed if some of the people in my life were lost and I have lost people who have been very close to me in the past and it’s always a fucking struggle. I am sure that some of you have lost people you care about and feel what I am saying. It’s hard to go on thinking things will ever go back to normal but time does heal.

So have fun, smile, take care of yourself and remember to appreciate the time you have and the people you know and love, because even as a cynic who makes fun of things everyday, even I know the importance of life.

This is a video of a drug addict lookin’ motherfucker begging for change in a pink shirt. Just to remind us that even a drug addicted homeless lookin’ motherfucker can rock the color pink like a chachi and have a little dance in his step shows us all that even though life has kinda kicked him in the ass. This may not be as cutting a post as you’re used to, but I feel sad and this is what happens when I feel sad. Love.

I spent way too much time on this fucking video that I know no one will watch. I am not very tech savvy and I couldn’t figure out how to export it. I was on the internet pretty much all day and I didn’t update my site because I was stuck doing this. You may think it’s useless but it brings a smile to my face and I guess that’s all that matters.

The story behind this is I was walking down the street and saw a crowd of people. There was some weird African lookin’ dude with some rain stick showing off a photo album to the crowd. They were pictures of him on his journeys and he was telling the stories about each picture. There were pictures of him with politicians, pictures of him with celebrities, pictures of him with the cops. It was all really strange but it wasn’t strange enough to be a daydream. I still felt compelled to show you that even homeless lookin’ motherfuckers have history too. There may be nothing funny about this post, it doesn’t always have to be funny. Asshole.