Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are always hard, I remember that shit being the only reason I watched Friends, or thought that she was hot in any way. But today’s hard nipple is different and not a hard nipple of happiness but a hard nipple of desperation. It stems from the news that the love of her life and ex-husband, Brad Pitt, who wouldn’t get her pregnant, has just given birth to not 1 but 2 babies with another woman.

You know that as she cries on the inside, the only baby cries she hears are the ones in her broken reams and her nipple is feeling that pain and it slowly puts itself out there in some kind of hormonal reaction to the news, just hoping there was a baby of its own to feed, but no matter how hard it looks or tries, it won’t find one, becaue there isn’t one.