I met a doctor at a coffee shop the other day and he told me that 74% of the population contracts HPV at some point in their life and the chances of me not having HPV are pretty much non existent, without even taking my sexual history into consideration, shit’s just a numbers game. If he knew the shit I’ve stuck my dick inside over the years, he’d probably be telling me all the other shit that I could have, but since I didn’t know the guy, I didn’t bother go into it with him.

He also said that it’s really not a big deal for dudes, and that unless you have a major genital wart outbreak, you probably don’t know you have it, and girls are the ones who have to worry because a small percentage get vagina cancer and the cure to vagina cancer is taking out their lady parts making them incapable of having kids then he threw up his hand for a high five, I guess thinking that not being able to knock up a bitch is awesome.

That said, Amanda Bynes probably has HPV and if she doesn’t I know a pretty easy way to make those dreams come true. Come on baby, join the masses, you know no one wants to be the freak slotted into the 26% minority filled with virgins…Getting busy means getting trendy.

I just got this email:

hello, i love reading your site.. laugh my ass off

im thinking of starting one myself. do you have any advice? where do you find photos?

thanks
youre super funny

Sure dude, why don’t I just start your site for you and have you not pay me a fucking cent, because I’m an asshole and can only hope that my hard work makes your site bigger and better than mine, because let’s face it, I have a pretty shitty fucking website, but at least you think it’s funny, even though it’s not meant to be.

I don’t understand why anyone would want to start a website, people who own websites are losers. The internet was made by losers for losers, like FUBU but different. There was a time when I’d go online just to mess around with socially awkward fuck ups lookin’ for like minded socially awkward fucked up people from other towns, because I guess there’s only so many losers in one zip code. It was a time when online dating was for obese people and virgins and not for the college frat boy to land hot pussy on myspace or facebook, or even for you to go home after getting wasted and being able to stalk the girl you just made out with. It was a better time with more person to person contact, and less talking to screens.

I remember when I first started doing this garbage 3 years ago, no one was really doing it. Perez didn’t exist, TMZ didn’t exist, the ones that did exist were just virgins and fags posting pictures and obsessing over how much they loved celebrities. No one was ripping into them or laughing at them and now new fucking websites pop up everyday and are all a lot more successful that I’ll ever be….within their first week.

Reality is that Internet is still for fucking losers, because hot and cool people are out living life and are too busy being hot and cool to care about sitting in front of a fucking computer all day, unless they are at work, but hot and cool people don’t work and hot and cool people who do work are usually running shit and are too busy loving themselves and their businesses to waste time on the net. So reality is if you are hot and on the net from work, your job is obviously insignificant making you a loser, but send me nudes, I’ll make you feel better about yourself, even though we all know what you are, if you’re reading this. So we don’t need to give the internet back to the losers, the definition of loser has just broadened its scope.

Speaking of try hard losers, here are some pictures of Nicole Scherzinger’s busted face giving the peace sign that is so fucking played out by now that every time I see it, I get flashbacks of high school girls at starbucks posing for their myspace profiles, and let’s face it, Nicole Scherzinger hasn’t been in high school for at least 2 decades and is trying a little too hard to be a high school girl. The only cool thing about high school girls are their school uniforms…and anal sex parties that I heard about on Oprah, that I never seem to be invited to.

I’ve decided that Haiti is my kind of country. Not because I am black or because I speak their obscure language, or because I am a taxi driver, but because motherfucker’s are poor and I feel like it’s a place I could feel like Kanye West on my wife’s disability check.

Either way, they recruit a hot washed up model to do charity because she’s only washed up from being caught in the Tsunami and shit killed her boyfriend, it’s pretty obvious that she’s still got it going on in a mail bride kinda way, unlike me, which is why I’d do good in Haiti. I feel like they’d appreciate my work ethic.

I was lookin’ at the pics of Petra Nemcova propped up so everyone could see her hot Eastern European ass pretending to support them, because it’s a good PR move for her celebrity and they are using collapsable chairs as the stage because that’s how classy Haiti is. It’s more ghetto than the shit I used to sit on in AA and broke through because I am fat, or the milk crate I use as a desk, or the box I use as my dinning room table next to my stained mattress I found outside 2 summers ago.

Either way, it’s nice to see her supporting black people with her charity that she started, I am sure more black people will bust nut thinking of her than ever before and there nothing wrong with using your money for good, because I know, if I ever had money, I’d only help myself get more drunk than I already do and on a more regular basis while sitting on a beach surrounded by hookers, but I’m just not a good of a person and karma likes to remind me of that every chance it gets, by never giving me money to get drunk on beaches with hookers….

I saw these pictures and wasn’t going to bother posting them, because they are dull as shit, but the joke in them is that she’s at a Cirque du Soleil event dressed like a fucking circus performer, but not the kind you’d actually see at Cirque du Soleil doing their crazy acrobatic dances that you find absolutely breathtaking because you’re a homo, or the kind you’d find in some freakshow, even though she’s tall as fuck, but because her hipster lesbian shoes look a lot like something her Polish grandmother probably wore in the 30’s where she picked up juggling and joined a traveling carnival. The same juggling skills she used to impress the the Nazis so they wouldn’t kill her, allowing her to come to America allowing Leelee to have such a prosperous career or some shit.

But I am just guessing here….me and Leelee aren’t as tight as her obnoxious tights, so I don’t know the real story, but I do know she’s got stupid fuckin’ shoes and that’s all that matters to me while dying on my computer today, even though I think I may still be drunk…and I love being drunk…

Someone keeps buzzing my door and I am not answering it. I have come to the realization that people don’t like me and potentially could want me dead so I just lock myself up in this place until I run out of food. The flaw in this plan is that I live with my wife and she likes to eat and I already caught her eating our last can of beans and I’ve only been in lock down for 15 minutes.

Either way, I know that you don’t care about my insanity and paranoia, but based on the hate mail I get daily, you’d probably understand it. Before I decided to go into lock down, I was out getting a coffee and this tiny girl was wearing some cleavage exposing shirt and her nipples were hanging out every time she moved. She was probably just about 5 foot and had all the same proportions as a tall chick, like long legs for her body and all that shit, but she was just in a smaller package, kinda like my penis, because at one time it looked it just doesn’t live up to the measurement test, but that’s not the point, the point is that Hayden Panettiere is also about 5 foot tall but not proportionate at all, unless you’re comparing her to a tank in which case, she probably is. Here she is pumping her own gas, I guess they didn’t get the pics of her changing her tires and the oil while building a shed in her backyard, cuz that’s just the kind of dude she is.

Bonus - Some Hayden Nipple Action Leaving the Gym

I love legs and Stacy Keibler’s got some fucking insane legs and here they are covered in some stockings like she’s some kind of fetish model or some kind of doll, which is probably something you relate to, since you’re always on the real doll site trying to design your perfect woman when your ugly wife is at work, but you know you’ll never be able to afford one.

I have a problem where I fall in love every time I leave my house, and by love I mean I want to see at least one girl naked every time I walk outside. Last night was a girl dressed like an Indian who I kept running into throughout the night and when I was drunk at 3:30 am and saw her for the fourth time I decided to try to seduce her so I screamed some frat boy cheesy shit like hey little indian, let me rape and pillage your village, steal your land, kill your men and knock you up and teach you how to speak english, then when I am done with you, I’ll throw you in the backyard, but you won’t need to pay taxes and you can open a casino and sell illegal cigarettes. She didn’t end up getting naked for me, but little blonde indian girl in white from montreal, who bumped into a homeless lookin’ motherfucker who smelled like urine and was standing alone by the DJ Booth, if you’re reading this, the offer still stands.

So it looks like the Germans are like Paypal and don’t like me very much.

it seems like the ISP AliceDSL (www.alice-dsl.de) blocked access to www.drunkenstepfather.com

Since a week a two, I am not able to access one of my favorite websites and it’s only your website. I can perfectly access it through anonymizers such as Tor or by using other ISPs but this certain ISP blocks access to Drunkenstepfather.com.

Maybe you want to investigate further or make it public somehow…

I thought German’s were into shitting on each other and beating each other up. I didn’t realize that they were still Nazis, only instead of hating the non-aryans and fags, they hate me. Here are some pictures of Lohan leaving some dance studio prepping for some tango movie, because she probably hates me too, even though I plan on knocking her off the wagon with my dick. It may be small, limp and useless but that just means it’ll take more effort.

I am no expert on pregnancy. There was a time when I was trying to keep an ex girlfriend around and figured the best way was to knock her up, so every chance I got to accidentally creampie her, I would. It never worked. There was another girl who wanted me to settle down and she thought that having a baby with me was the solution, without thinking about the fact that I was a deadbeat and couldn’t even take care of myself, but being the asshole that I am and excited about the fact that a chick actually wanted to carry my baby, because that’s pretty much the number one compliment you can get from a girl, I decided to spend a month trying to knock her up, before realizing how insane I was being. Lucky for me, years of hard living had killed my sperm harder than it killed my liver.

Now I don’t know if Laura Prepon is actually knocked up, but she is at Starbucks, and where I live all the maternity leave women spend hours a day in Starbucks because they have nothing else to do with themselves and need to get out, so I can only assume that she didn’t just gain weight, and her horizontal stripes aren’t working against her, because that shit’s supposed to make you look fat, I predict this is the early stages of her being knocked up because sometimes letting dudes come inside you feels like the right thing to do, until you realize you forgot to take your birth control pill and that you morally are pro-life and can’t get an abortion, even though everyone’s doing it because condoms are a thing of the past.

Let’s just hope her John Goodman Lookin’ motherfucker that she’s talking to, isn’t the baby daddy, cuz if the baby gets that metabolism, her vagina may break.

I don’t see enough of Mariah Carey, I don’t mean that literally, because bitch is big enough to fill the frame as successfully as her late 90s career, I meant in general, where the fuck did she go and what the fuck’s she been up to since her psychological meltdown. Reality is that I don’t really care, I was never a fan of anything more than her big tits.

I was at a party on Saturday and there was a girl there who I know. She pulled out her camera to show me a picture of her crotch. She was wearing pantyhose and underwear over the pantyhose. I was confuse, because I was always under the impression that pantyhose doubled as underwear and that’s why they have that weird vagina protector and if you’re going to wear underwear with pantyhose, wouldn’t it only make sense to wear them under the pantyhose? I was pretty drunk so instead of asking her, I just pinned her against the wall, lifted up her skirt and dry humped her with my limp dick. She wasn’t really vibing on my “I get drunk and molest you” ways, but she shoulda been expecting it coming from me. Her boyfriend on the otherhand gave me a high five, or what I thought was a high five before it slammed me in the face and gave me a nose bleed. I guess the lesson of the day is that when getting drunk and molesting a chick with underwear over her pantyhose, make sure her boyfriend isn’t right next to her.

Either way, here is Mariah Carey rockin’ some tight dress, pantyhose and a pair of fuck me boots for all you losers who used to jerk off to her music videos before the internet was invented.

On Some TRL Shit….

On the Street….

Bonus: Mariah Carey’s Cleavage on the Today Show…Today…

I heard that Kids was actually a documentary and Chloe Sevingy really has AIDS or at least looks like she does. I am convinced that all hipsters have AIDS because they all bang the same people since the scene is small and the talent pool is limited and when all fucked up after partying all night, sex is good, even if your friend slammed the same chick 2 nights before, because without your friend, you would have met her or got her back to your place. He was your in.

The reality is that Kids scared the fuck out of a generation of teenagers in the mid-90s. Every girl and guy were rockin’ condoms because the movie made them think AIDS was everywhere and that kinda sucked when I was in a raw doggin mood, but at least I don’t have AIDS because of it. Kids today don’t have that kind of fear instilled in them and they grew up watching porn and unprotected sex is just the way it’s done. No one they knows has AIDS. They have seen their icons like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian (hahaha) banging on tape without condoms and watch all those Hip Hop videos and shit turning them all into loose in the hipped sluts. So my prediction is that this “sexual revolution” where kids are fucking because they have the parts to fuck, without the knowledge to fuck well or fuck smart, is that everyone will have Aids in 10 years and people like Chloe Sevigny will be seen as leaders in the movement since she’s been had the germ since 95…or at least that’s what I heard because this bitch was an original new generation cocaine hipster in the New York fashion scene in the 90s and was banging people like Harmony Korine and Vincent Gallo because she’s so artistic. She was best friends with models and people in bands and useless Bijou Phillips trash and other rich kids on coke who pretend to know what’s up because they are glorified groupies of people who are actually doing things and because they are constantly looking for the next “cool” thing to spend their trust fund money on.

But the point is to say that I guess she deserves some credit for being a good enough actor that people didn’t realize how ugly she was because ugly people scare me and don’t deserve paparazzi following them..but at least she’s coming to terms with shit and boxing out her face so we don’t have to relive the tragedy that childhood car accident did to her face. I actually don’t know if there was actually a childhood accident, but it would only make sense if there was. On a positive side, at least she’s got some nice long legs, dresses like a clown and sucks unprotected dick badly in mainstream movies, because even with AIDS, condom blowjobs just don’t make sense to me. Cuddles.

I thing I like about Gisele is the mystery of whether she has a vagina or not. Bitch is from Brazil and everyone I talk to who knows anything about Brazil say they have the hottest lady-boys in the world and that you can’t even tell the difference and when drunk and in Brazil, who needs to tell the difference, especially if AIDS is your thing.

I used to know this fag who didn’t know he was a fag but was obsessed with Tranny porn, he claimed it wasn’t gay because he was only into lady-boys slamming chicks and not dudes slammin’ lady-boys up their lady-boy asses, so he was convinced shit was less gay than watching straight porn because the dude looked like a chick and it was more like hybrid lesbian porn with some chick with dick shit instead of a strap on but still 2 sets of tits and 1 dick, instead of that faggot ass straight porn you watch, because I know you’re not actually getting off to the chick getting fucked but to the porn dick. Fag.

Either way, bitch has some serious legs, and I guess even if they lead to a fat cock, I’d still have no choice but to watch her jerk off on my fatty man tits, because I have a thing for models.

Here are some pictures of Hilary Duff with some erect nipples in a stupid Jewish Outfit of the day, only she took some kind of slutty twist on it with some slutty tights under her slutty dress, but I am all about sluts because all girls are sluts and I am into vagina, so it works for me.

I realize that I am a little too abrasive when it comes to sluts because girls don’t like that I think they are all sluts. I was in the coffee shop talking to some gay dude about how all chicks love cocaine because they are insecure and it makes them feel good about themselves and that’s the same reason why they like male attention, because it’s some kind of empowering shit that makes them feel like they are worth something. So I start going off on this rant and this old feminist bitch next to me who is listening to me go off, gets up and in my face and starts yelling at me about how disgusting I am and how I am a woman hater. I told her that it’s the opposite, I actually love women and love the fact that they are sluts because otherwise I’d have nothing to jerk off to or on. Then I asked if her if she was into anal and she stormed off. I guess she tried it once and it hurt too much and hasn’t been able to get over that pain. Slut.

Here are those pictures of Hilary’s hard nipples, I love that she is trying to cover those fuckers up with whatever that Stuff by Duff in her hand is, like she doesn’t want us all lookin at her tits, even though I know deep down inside she loves the attention.