I almost found love as real as Jennifer Love’s love. I was cruising through the ghetto last night and some 60 year old in a belly button shirt and short short approached us and told us that for 50 dollars she would do anything we wanted her to do. We’re talking fucking her from any position, with or without condom, and even busting our load anywhere we want including inside her. The only difference between the love I was going to find with this toothless down on her luck addict with a stretch-marked stomach pushing 60 and the love that Jennifer Love Hewitt has found, is that her whore is a tall normal lookin’ dude, and he doesn’t charge by the hour, it’s more of a full time gig for him and he’s not much of an actor because this shit looks more staged than the high school play I was trying to organize with the local highschool, but that never panned out because the police investigated my intentions when the highschool called them and told them that some random dude with no affiliation to the school was trying to recruit their students into performing live sex acts on stage for him and his friends in his living room.

I am always happy to see Megan Fox with her boyfriend, mainly for you because it gives losers like you hope that one day you will bag a hot chick. I know that in Megan Fox’s case she was probably diddling herself to David on 90210 when she was growing up so for her she’s living the fuckin’ dream and that no girl has ever diddled herself for you, so your Megan Fox will never come out of the woodwork and sweep you out of your shitty fucking life, but at least there’s hope and delusion is just as good as reality because at least you believe it and if you believe it then it’s truth. See how fuckin’ deep I am, and it’s all because Megan Fox and David from 90210 bring out my internal philosopher, it’s got nothing to do with you inspiring me because you don’t inspire anyone, you don’t even inspire your mother enough to admit that you came from her pussy.

Bonus: Megan Fox Ass in Denim

I always rip into ginger-haired people for scaring the fuck out of me and people get mad thinking I am some kind of racist against people with orange hair….which I guess I kinda am because I am scared of them, but when you hear about people being scared of clowns or spiders or rape, they get a lot less hate than I do when I say that their transparent eyelashes and eyebrows, pale freckled color skin and insane strength from being coded genetically differently than normal humans because their breed used to be seen as devil children and left in the woods to fend for themselves and that’s why the ones you see today are from the “surviving” gingers.

Either way, I was checking out a tight bodied chick in leggings, like every fucking girl in this city wears, which I find really un-fucking-inspiring even though I can make out every dimple in her ass and usually what her pussy looks like, but I still like a little variety and seeing everyone dressed the same is some serious laziness that girls need to put a stop too, we get it, shit’s comfortable and kinda hot and all your friends are doing it, but you could at least fucking try to be your own person.

Regardless, I’m checking out her ass in her leggings and some fucking Ginger comes out of nowhere, like they often do, because they are sneaky as fuck and I was tempted to save her from him because I know when ginger’s are linked up with girls they’re trouble, but then dude slid is hand on her tight 19 year old ass, and she looked and him and lovingly smiled. I was trying to figure out whether she did it because she knew if she didn’t he’d lock her in her cage, or maybe she was color blind and didn’t notice the fact that his hair was orange and skin see-through and splotchy, but then I came to terms with the fact that he probably has rich parents and he probably buys her shit to keep her around….

I kinda feel like the same kind of thing is going on with Rachel Bilson and the dude from Star Wars. Looking at them together makes me feel kinda sick, but then I realize that he probably buys her nice things, and girls like nice things….so no chance of your hurtbag ass to ever get a quality chick to use you, but I did see an episode of Jerry where some ghetto black girl bragged about her boyfriend buying her fried chicken and I’m not even joking or trying to make a racial slur. Sometimes the funniest things in life write themselves….thanks for the laughs Bilson…..