When I was 5 I was best friends with my rich cousin Peter, who lived in a nice house because his Dad spent the day at work instead of sucking down scotch in the garage. I consider Peter rich because he had an illegal cleaning every day who brought along her 4 year-old kid, Julio. I invented a game that involved a girlfriend, boyfriend, and a dude washing the car. Since Julio was Mexican, he got to be my boyfriend.

So I filled my shirt with socks for boobs, told Peter to start washing the invisible car, sat Julio down in the driver’s seat and put my head in Julio’s lap (just like Mom and Dad), and that’s when the housekeeper appeared and started screaming some shit in Spanish. I don’t know what her deal was. Bitch snatched up Julio, so Peter and I just moved our party to his playroom. I picked up this fancy Fisher-Price singing-machine. There was brown liquid all over the back. It had to be chocolate because Peter was rich and rich people have chocolate. I licked it. It wasn’t chocolate.

Let me put it in terms you can understand: battery acid in your mouth is like poison ivy plus Eastern-European Super-Whore-Herpes all over your dick. After my aunt called a doctor, she had a pow-wow with that bitch housekeeper. The cunt sent me home that day, and every day after that, but I kept coming back. Because that’s what future hookers are like as kids: strays who will eat anything that looks like food, teach porno games to your kids, and molest the help.

I don’t know what Julio is doing these days, but I do know what Anne Hathaway is up to. She is living in a magical land of pretty fireworks and fancy clothes. Here she is on a boring date with her euro-trash boyfriend who is being sued for allegedly spending money from the charity he owns (and she is on the board of) on her and their ritzy Manhattan lifestyle, instead of on starving kids in Venezuela. Go ahead, throw your head back and laugh at the hungry poor people, eat some South American babies for supper, and then make out with your queef-faced swindler, cuz he’s the most exciting thing about you. She does have nice boobs though, i guess, i saw them in “Havoc.” Julio probably grew up to be like the gangbangers in “Havoc.”

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

Bonus - Anne Hathaway is Totally Unsexy on Her Romantic Getaway with her Jewish Boyfriend as She Kisses Him in Some Bed Sheet Dress….If I Was There, Bitch Would have to be Topless if She Wanted to Board My Ship…

So these are some more pictures form the Ambrosio day at the beach that I didn’t bother posting because I figure you’ve all seen this bitch half naked and every other site beat me to it. Since I haven’t bothered checkin any other sites today because I was too busy getting a lunch at a place I always go on Monday’s because they have a $2 spaghetti special that I can’t pass up on because I love spaghetti it makes me feel so cultured and at $2 I can afford it because my wife doesn’t notice when I steal change….

Either way, one of the girls who works there an knows me started telling me how I scared off one of her waitress friends because I added her to facebook and asked her what she was wearing. For the last 2 months bitch has been running in the bathroom hiding when I get in and refuses to take my order or even make eye contact with me. Reality is I ask every girl what she is wearing whether she is hot or not, it’s just my way of communicating, I can’t get it up so any sexual harassment should be non-threatening, and people need to stop taking themselves so fucking seriously, they need to stop thinking that they are so fucking important and they should think I am out to get them because this is what I do all day, I don’t even remember half the shit I spew. Your life isn’t the O.C. and sometimes when you look at things as a joke it makes life a little more fun, instead of hiding in bathrooms you should just get on webcam and show me your fuckin’ tits.

That said, we should all take a little cue from Alessandra Ambrosio and how she isn’t taking life too seriously as she gets herpes in public.