Marla Maples called up the paparazzi again because she had a “workout” scheduled on the beach again and she wanted the word to get out there that she’s fit and hard bodied and 40. I can only assume she likes the ego boost she gets when magazines feature her as the hot over 40 beach body or she’s trying to get some initial buzz for a workout or diet book she’s working on, or maybe even a workout or fitness show she’s trying to sell because she needs something to do as spending Donald Trump’s money is getting old and tired for her.

Speaking of fitness, a friend of mine decided to call me up last week and tell me that people who jog an hour a day live longer than people who don’t jog. They just found this out in some controlled research, which I thought was funny, considering it’s such a fuckin’ obvious discovery, they’d be better off spending that money on something like curing aids or some shit, and dude wanted to inspire me to exercise because he’s the kind of guy who quit drinking and partying and found yoga, meditation, weightlifting and jogging as his new high and has lost weight, got his blood pressure own, has seen it affect his everyday life by giving him self-worth and self esteem, structure, energy to get things done and since quitting his old life has turned things around to getting a job, buying a condo, finding a hot younger girlfriend and is now living the yuppie life of going to the market to buy organic greens and natural supplements, going on vacation to places like Costa Rica where he goes on long distance runs in the jungle and white water rafting has quit eating meat and dairy and thinks he is going to live to a hundred, and he wants me to get up on his program to really turn my life around. Well, I got a call yesterday and it was his girlfriend, he got hit by a car a couple days ago and they don’t know if he’s going to make it and if he does, they don’t know if he’s going to ever walk again, so I guess fitness also kills and he shoulda just stuck to living in the gutter with me, cuz if he did, none of this woulda ever happened.

I got up early today and went for a small walk to get coffee. I ended up running into all the local vagrants and homeless and mentally deranged people who populate my neighborhood and who I’ve seen almost daily for the last 10 years.

I never get up this early and didn’t realize these people started out their day of loitering this early. There was the weird dude who talks to himself, listens to a walkman and is on methodone treatment at the pharmacy, there’s this tall dude who doesn’t shower and smells like shit who drinks decaf coffee all fuckin’ day at Subway, there’s some dude with a cowboy hat who is always drunk and aggressive and every time I see him he’s missing a new tooth. There’s the crazy cat lady who has a different purple jogging suit everyday, I’m talking about the kind of jogging suit 4 year olds wore in the 80s and crazy un-brushed hair who walks her 8 cats, all on leashes, there’s some really skinny guy with one leg longer than the other who smokes cigarette butts he finds on the street and then there’s homeless man dance who spent too many years doing acid and is totally OCD but seems like a genius.

As I was judging them, thinking to myself how fucking weird they were, I realized that to the average person, I was probably one of the crazies in the neighborhood they see on the daily for the last 10 years too. It was some kind of revelation where I finally grasped that to the normal people, I am as crazy as the people I laugh about for being crazy and that depressed me, but I figure if you can’t beat them and if their judgment is already passed on me, I might as well milk it and that means that now I can walk out in my underwear, shit myself and drool and fondle my penis every time I see a cute girl, because I carry the crazy card, despite the fact that I don’t want to be one of the local fixtures, I should make the best of it.

I guess maybe it’s time for Marla Maples to come to terms with her fat too. She needs to realize that she’s old and has no business being on the beach at all unless it’s at an all inclusive resort in Cuba with all the other 40 year old mothers. There’s really no place for her trying to do the splits and act sexy because despite my being willin’ to fuck her, since I’m a pervert and she isn’t fat, I still don’t want to watch her bending about like some kind of nimble 20 year old. I find it embarrassing….

There’s a reason why you haven’t heard much about Donald Trumps daughter Tiffany, and that is because he keeps her hidden and a secret because she’s fucking ugly. Trump likes to equate his name to excellence and luxury and prestige but instead fate has brought him something to brand that represents birth defects, bad genetics and a busted down fucking face.

It’s kinda funny that a cocksucker like Trump who has probably fucked over numerous people because he is a true believer that business is business and it’s nothing personal would get struck by Karma and his sperm would create this monster of a girl but I guess that’s just how the world works. The worst thing about this is that the worst thing about her probably isn’t even her face, because if she’s anything like other rich girls, she’s proababy a cunt and actually thinks she’s got it going on in typical rich kid delusion as she rides her prize winning horses, wears her designer clothes and travels to places of luxury while taking time off her very high society education to make a point of treating everyone around her like they are shit.

I almost felt bad ripping into this girl, because she’s a teenager and the last thing she needs to read about on the interenet is how weird her face is, and how ugly she is, you know, giving her a complex and landing her in some kind of therapy session or on some kind of meds or into a life a many random sexual encounters to make her feel like she has some value, but then I realize that ripping into people is what I do and business is business, nothing personal.

So Marla Maples is on some Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Heidi Montag kick where she gets press for being in a bikini because she pays the paparazzi to take pictures of her bouncing around like some kind of jackass and I find it offensive, not because she’s a tight bodied old lady trying to show off all the hard work she’s been putting into herself because she has nothing better to do while sitting on piles of Trump money, but because I have a hard enough time getting out of a chair and this nimble athletic wallet fucker is just mocking me….

So Marla Maples is pretty much only famous for being breaking up billionaire Donald Trump’s marriage to Ivana Trump after getting knocked up at 20 years old by him and shotgun marrying him before having his baby, making her pretty much set for life.

The good news is that the 45 year old uses her free time, which she has a lot of, because when you’re set for life after letting a billionaire cum in you back in ‘84, you don’t have to get a job waitressing to pay the rent like you would have if you hadn’t used your young kinda hot at the time, powersuit wearing looks to get ahead, and by get ahead I mean trick a billionaire into marrying you after flipping the condom inside out and impregnating your 20 year old womb.

But she can use all that free time from being rich by association to go to the gym like it was a full time to stay fit for her 31 year old reality star from The Bachelor named Andy Baldwin, because holding onto your youth is a something most chicks want, but normally can’t pull off because oreos are just too damn good.

Either way, here are her abs in her bikini with her younger boyfriend who obviously sees a golden opportunity just like his girlfriend did back when she was his age. They do have so much in common….