I dated a girl many years ago and we were pretty much living together. We went through the honeymoon phase where we’d fuck all the time, which always amazed and disgusted me that a girl could get that horny for me, but rode it out happily anyway. About 4 or 5 months into the relationship we both started doing drugs pretty heavily and kinda lost track of fucking each other and instead got fucked together. It was good time and we got along pretty good. About 3 months after the whole drug binge started she comes up to me and tells me that she’s pregnant. Without doing the math, I accept it and together we clean up our acts to bring this fucker into the world. I get a job, she quits drinking, smoking and using and then one day about 6 months into the pregnancy, I tell her that I don’t entirely understand how she’s pregnant considering before she told me about the pregnancy we hadn’t fucked in over 4 months and were too busy getting high. That’s when she told me that she had been fuckin’ some other married dude and since I was her boyfriend felt we were in it together. Either way, I went back to the bottle because I was pretty fuckin’ devasted and needed to feel numb again, I dumped her ass despite retardness by not doing the timeline but we still lived together. She went out one night and used hard and the next day I woke up to her screaming in the other room and she was there with a still born baby in the bed hysterical. It was pretty fuckin’ traumatic and if you’re wondering why I am telling you this story, it’s because the baby’s facial expression looked exactly like this Olsen in her see through shirt and it is kinda freaking me the fuck out.

All you hipster cocaine huffin’ 18 year old eating disorder trash, love this bitch. I don’t know how many times I hang with a certain gay black jewish local celebrity and hear her name dropped. It’s like anytime a girl can’t fit into a pair of size 2’s or anytime a bitch can’t rail the last line because of a nosebleed, MK’s name gets dropped. There are even MK impersonators out there, some in your very own town. Here’s another golden globe post, go fuck yourself.

Previously: I am - Girl Who Looks Like Mary Kate of the Day