Audrina may be useless, but she still got to get into a bikini for Maxim and not look entirely bad doing it.

Sure she has a weird face and is dumber than shit, but like all Sex Dolls all you need to do is to replace her head with a new one when you save up enough money to buy the better quality one, we get it, you’re on a budget, there’s an economic crisis going on and you don’t have a job so when you had to decide whether to go with the fat body or the busted face you went with the busted face and I think you made the right choice, because you don’t fuck the face, and you can always upgrade the head. Sure she came more defective than you thought, like how my family bought a Thanksgiving Turkey that had no legs, because the second rate, cripple turkeys are cheap as hell and still fuckin’ turkey and that’s better than last year’s baked beans. If you get what I am saying….

So one day soon, after the economic crisis blows over, it won’t be as much of a struggle to believe she’s actually a real person when you attach a string to its mouth to make it look like it’s talking about politics and the economy and like it’s not actually retarded despite looking retarded, while you have one hand manning the string and the other on the big fake tit getting primed for a nice night together, with the curtains drawn, because your mom’s out on a date. You just have to wait it out and deal with the shit, before getting the gold….

Autumn Reeser was on The O.C. She played someone named Taylor. I used to watch the OC because I had a shitty TV that got that channel for free using a shitty antenna that I made out of a coat hanger I was saving to use on my wife if ever she got pregnant before realizing I didn’t need it anymore because I found out I had fertility issues. I was also going to a college bar every thursday because it was 2 dollar beers at a time when I could afford to get wasted with college kids on 2 dollar beers.. It turned out that the first couple of weeks were awkward, because the girls just saw an old, messy, drunk guy raining on their parade like Lil Wayne Rain’s on the Hoes, all because I didn’t have anything to talk about with them other than their hot perky college tits in hopes of getting invited back to their dorms to watch them experiment with sex and drugs like the shit I’ve read / seen college girls do on the internet. I realized that watching the OC, that aired earlier that night, was a key “in” because they all watched it earlier that night and were hooked and would get excited when shit was brought up, leading to me being accepted in their circle so I made a point of staying on top of the shit and never got to watch them experiment with sex and drugs, but didn’t get beat up by asshole jocks when asking their girl’s dirty questions because I was in. Either way, I don’t remember this girl on the show, must have been after my time, but I do remember Rachel Bilson…..

Speaking of Rachel Bilson, I messaged some random girl on Facebook who’s last name was Bilson and this was our conversation…..

Jesus Martinez
with a name like Bilson, you should be related to Rachel Bilson, otherwise you should change your name, because there’s no real point in having it…..

Rachel Bilson’s Cousin
i am related to her….

Jesus Martinez
are you her second cousin? cuz if you are you can gay marry her.

Rachel Bilson’s Cousin
haha
she is my cousin

Jesus Martinez
Have you ever seen her naked?

Jesus Martinez
You know even as little kids playing in the lake or having bath’s togehter?

Jesus Martinez
What are the chances of you getting me a couple nude pics of her?

Jesus Martinez
Not very likely right?

Jesus Martinez
Like I shouldn’t start writing up a post announcing I have exclusive pics of her right?

Jesus Martinez
There must be something she did to piss you off over the years, maybe you resent her success and wish you were the star in the family….

Jesus Martinez
wouldn’t this be the best way to give her what she deserves….

Jesus Martinez
I guess you’re not into the idea…..

Jesus Martinez
Hello?

That’s when I gave up, I guess we’re no longer friends and that short moment we spent together on the internet, that made me one person away from Rachel Bilson, is one I will hold close to my heart forever.

Here’s Automn Reeser and her Firey hair that her literal parents named her after in her bikini for Maxim, even though it’s my second Maxim post of the day and fuckers aren’t even paying me for this shit, but I am hoping I encourage people to not buy any of their magazines because you can find all the goods here instead of there., it is my attempt to ruin them because I just resent everyone who makes more money than me, which is pretty much everyone.

Here’s a creepy video called Taylor and Ryan - Forever Love - That Made me Laugh….Because Someone Was Creepy/Lame Enough to Waste Their TIme Doing This….

Here’s Anna Kournikova, one of the better things that has come out of the Soviet since the Cold War. Sometimes I feel like I live in a communist Russia. I have a shitty one room apartment that is more dingy than my whore wife’s period panties that were once white and now, 6 years later, are a weird blue color. I have rationed bread and toilet paper because my wife beats me to the shit, and we don’t have money to buy more. I have no spending money and last week, my wife makes me wear grey prison uniform when I am in the house because I had no clothes and she found it at the vintage store and thought it would be funny.

Today I went to make myself some instant coffee because I am poor and spent 2 weeks worth of spending money last night alone and can’t afford my Starbucks now that my free hook-up decided to move up the corporate ladder and took a job over at a Subway. As I was pouring the boiling water in a glass cup because we don’t have coffee mugs, not even the paper ones I stole from the AA meeting I forgot to write about last week, that turned out to be a depressing party, and the fucking thing just exploded in my hand, like I can’t even make a fucking coffee without God trying to kill me with broken glass and boiling water….

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but here are some pics of Anna Kournikova lookin’ hot in Maxim.

Brooke Hogan brought her muscles to Maxim for this boring photoshoot. I can only assume that Hulk paid them to give her the press for her birthday or that Maxim are slowly going bankrupt because no one buys magazines and are taking what they can get.

Her dad showed up on the set of the shoot to make sure she doesn’t show off too much skin, apparetly he’s like a jealous boyfriend who doesn’t want other men to appreciate the luscious curves he’s been appreciating since she hit puberty. I remember a dude I knew who would go nuts when his chick tanned topless in front of me, he thought it was the end of the fucking world that I knew what her tits looked like and that if I wanted to, I could jerk off to them knowing exactly what he was playing with everynight. I feel like this Hulk control issues stem from the same evil green monster.

Elisha Cuthbert did Maxim and looks good but I pretty much have no interest in this Cuthbert. She’s from Montreal but has denounced Montreal, which I totally understand but since she thinks she’s too good for the city, whenever she comes back to visit her family who still lives here she acts like she’s god’s gift to the city, like she’s the biggest export that everyone should acknowledge when all she’s really done is one stupid teen move and a job on 24 which to me is substantially less successful than other Montreal exports like Celine Dion that bitch is my hero.

What I was trying to do was reach out to her sister because I heard she was worth fucking and more accessible since she’s trying to break free from her sister’s shadow. Girls her feel less relevant than their sisters are always willing to suck dick because they feel they deserve the attention. I once knew these sisters who were both pretty slutty, but the one who killed herself was the one who wasn’t molested by her father. She always felt like a second rate citizen to her sister who was obviously more desirable, at least in her mind because their dad chose her and that left some serious emotional trauma. I like the think that the Cuthbert sister is up on the same shit, but instead of their dad choosing Elisha, the rest of the world has and that’s some pretty serious shit to try to live up to and that’s why I am willing to hold her hand through the hard times.

This is a Maxim Hometown Hottie winner from 2004 named Brittany Lee doing some “modeling” work for Hustler Lingerie and by modeling work I mean showing off her retarded fake tits for their photoshoot because every other stripper was too busy giving lap dances to make the appearance and none of the other strippers have the prestigious Maxim Hometown Hottie title to go with their fake tits, so Brittany Lee was pretty much the only choice.

I always made fun of the Maxim Hometown Hottie contest, not because I think Maxim is a piece of shit magazine, but because the girls in in are pieces of shit. I think all these hometown hottie girls grew up with dreams about being a Maxim covergirl as they jealously watched their boyfriend’s flip the pages of Maxim. Then one day, they noticed that Maxim offers everyday hot chicks the chance to be in the magazine and they get all excited with the hope that they will make it into the shit, it will be their big break and important people will find them and offer them work. They will be famous and they’ll get half naked to make the world see just how great they are.

What you end up having is a bunch of attention craving sluts going up against each other to win the championship of attention craving sluts delusional about how important to the world they are and convinced it will lead to bigger things.

I guess that concept is pretty genius on Maxim’s part and deserves a high five for finding willing, free and slutty half naked girls to feature, but unfortunately for the girls, the second the issue comes out, everyone forgets who they are because no one remembers a slut’s name, they just aren’t that important, but if their tits are big enough they can land classy work modeling Hustler Lingerie. I guess the next step for this Brittany Lee bitch’s career is the Heidi Montag Heidiwood catalog…or the gutter..which ever comes first.

So I got an email saying that I was in Maxim Magazine on Page 32. I figured before the other 3 of you email me, I’d clear this shit up because it was written by a dude who got fired from CollegeHumor and CollegeHumor is garbage leading me to believe that someone not good enough to write for them is probably not good enough to write about me - and I was right. I would have obviously preferred to written about from someone who worked and got fired from a more reputable company, Fuck I would have rather been written about by the drunk dude I met at some bar who was writing what I though was a novel on napkins but when I got closer, turned out to be a a doodle of a dog taking a shit on some big breasted slut but that’s just because I appreciated his artistic vision.

Either way, Complex wrote that I was on of the most influential guys of 2008 and a week later Maxim emailed me. They wanted to do an article on the site and I am not an idiot and said yes because in the 90s, I read Maxim and the thought of getting featured in it seemed like a good thing to do even though no one I know has picked up the magazine in the last 5 years, including myself….

I told them that I don’t leave my house and that they’ll have to do the interview with me over the computer. They refused. So I had to find a way to either get to New York which wasn’t about to happen, or send someone in New York who I know to pretend to be me otherwise there’d be no Maxim article and I figured I had to make it happen…because people don’t offer to do articles on me ever.

Now, I am not very popular and don’t know many people so the only guy who could get there was a chubby white mexican dude I’ve known for a while who is 30. He did the interview. I did the follow up over email and they wrote that I don’t really exist but I do and you’re reading me.

The good news is that they legitimized me being a pervert - they made it out to be some new side of the media called Pervarazzi, like writing sleazy shit about sluts is something to be proud of and this justifies everyone I’ve ever sexually harassed or touched inappropriately over the years. If only I knew the name of that girl I who passed out at a party next to me and who made a big deal about it when she woke up with my hand down her pants telling her boyfriend who was in the other room that I was some sick pervert leading him to beat me up, so that I could show them this article and prove that they were just part of research. I feel smart, like a pervert who just figured out showing girls his camera and telling them it was for art, makes them them get naked for art and instead of slapping him in the face for being a pervert. So thanks to Maxim for making all those dark secrets I’ve regretted but still jerk off to mean something more substantial and like I am leading some kind of revolution…..

So this is the Maxim story. I guess it’s a big enough deal but I won’t consider my life a success until you see me in the mexican wrestling mask on The View trying to finger bang Elizabeth under the table, but that’s because I’m a housewife like that. That may just be fiction like Maxim claims I am, but dreams do come true. Cuddles.

So Maxim picked their hometown hotties winner and it’s some bitch named Erin. I am not sure if you bother caring, but I reviewed all the hometown hotties contestents and this is what I had to say about Erin….

Point of this is that she’s worth a round, but that’s not saying much to you, because the last time you ate a hamburger you got a boner just thinking about sliding your dick it it’s warm juicy goodness, you being blinded by your dick and sexual depravity makes you ignore that her tits are all wonky and she’s boxier than the trailer her Daytona Ass is from.

I guess that’s why Maxim hasn’t offered me a high paying job in New York that I would use to bag all the models and any decent lookin’ girl I run into promising them the chance at the cover, while knowing I’d never have that pull, but they wouldn’t need to know that until after they shower for me, because showering for me would obviously be the auditioning process.

So I got an email saying that Sarah Michelle Gellar is the Maxim December 2007 covergirl with a link to some of the previews. I was pretty surprised because I feel like she’s fuckin’ washed up and that I have a better chance being a Maxim Covergirl than she does, but that’s only because I have hot tits, for a dude, and that shit should be fuckin’ acknowledged because I’ve spent a lot of time sitting and drinking and eating bad foods to make this shit happen and that’s all I have to say about that.

No one seems to support my quest to seduce some Maxim chick over the internet by making her win the Hometown Hotties Contest. I got one email, which is a lot of me, about how I’m a loser sell out of trying to get you guys to help me get a bowling date with this Jody bitch. It was going to be my greatest stepTV clip yet and now it will never happen.

To prove my point that Jody deserves to win this contest, I ripped off some self-shot underwear pics off her facebook. I am pretty confident that she will end up suing me for hacking this shit, but I think it’ll improve her chances of winning because we like girls who take pictures of themselves in the mirror while rockin’ their underwear. Her body is bangin’ I don’t care what you say, I just care that you vote, because I want this date to happen. Help a brother out….

If you’re going to vote in the Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest, I demand you vote for Jody. The truth is I reached out to her and told her that I have the power to make her win, which means if she wins she’ll want to bang me, and having some hot chick who is the Hometown Hottie in Maxim want to bang me for hookin’ her up is pretty much livin’ the dream….because I like hot chicks wanting to repay me with their vaginas.

Now the reason I reached out to Jody is because her body blew me the fuck away. She is tight and looks like she’d be a solid girl, one who takes care of you like a mother and fucks you like a whore, and is pretty much has everything I want in a Hometown Hottie and a wife. She was born for this shit and started off working when she was younger selling lemonade in her bathing suit because she knew what her calling was, like the Hotel Manager who wouldn’t give me Jared Leto’s room number because he was born into a family of Hotel Managers and has been working towards hotel management since he was 5, whatever the fuck that means, all I know is that he wouldn’t take 1000 dollars to give me the info, not that I would have paid him because I don’t have 1000 dollars, but he didn’t know that.

Either way, the point of this post is to say that if Jody doesn’t win. I am going to quit this site and move to LA to park in a van outside her apartment until she forgives me for my lies, or calls the cops and gets me arrested. Don’t let us down and Make Jody the Hometown Hotties Contest Winner.

Finally, a Hometown Hottie who I think deserves to be in the running, all my other reviews were kinda mean to the girls but that’s only because I didn’t think they had any business being in the competition and that they should pursue other careers, some in porn, others in working at the local Wal Mart of their Hometown but this girl Sharae has got it going on.

First off, she’s got a pretty unique face, and I am all about unique faces, I am tired of seeing the easily replaced clone party slut with fake tits, because if everyone looks the fucking same, like a cookie cutter slut, there’s no fun in bothering to learn there name, but there is fun in stuffin them like a turkey. Second, she’s got a good body, with nice big natural looking tits and to me, a hometown hottie has to have the package. She’s the girl you’re supposed to see walking around your hood and freak out over because she’s so ridiculous that you tell yourself she deserves to be in magazines. Thirdly, she wrote that she’s single, which even if it’s not true, allows all the magazine readers to think it is and that makes jerking off onto her glossy pictures easier to do, because they can fantasize that she’s actually into them….and when they cut out her picture and put it on their pillow to pretend they aren’t alone, they don’t have thoughts of her being out fucking other men.

I feel like Sharae’s got a good chance in making it, because to me she defines what Maxim is looking for, and if she doesn’t at least we’ve all seen her dressed all half naked and posing, and maybe if she doesn’t make it, she’ll at least get a gig doing something else that involves her hosting parties in my hometown so that I can douse her in champagne and lick it off her, and by champagne I mean moonshine that I sneak in, and by licking it off, I mean getting carried away in handcuffs….

When I go out partying I have pretty high standards for chicks. I don’t like to look at ugly people, because I am forced to look at my ugly wife all day, and everyday ugly people just don’t exist to me, other than my wife, but I only notice her because of her sleep apnea and the sounds she makes while eating. Anyway, when I go to the bars I tend to go to, hot is few and far between. Sometimes I catch myself looking at my fat man tits wondering how good they’d look in a push-up bra, but I still go out hoping to see hot ass.

The same goes for Hotties contests. When I look to a Hotties contest, I want to see Hotties, and maybe hotties are hard to come across these days, I still want to see them. I am not sure how Gillian made the cut, but I can assume that she’s got a team of monkeys voting for her 24/7 because that’s what they do in Bakersfield California. The only other explanation is that she did work for Disneyland in Hong Kong and we all know that Disney makes dreams come true, because he was a pedophile and that line worked on all the kids he seduced with his cartoons, but either something magical went down.

Don’t get me wrong, Gillian is ok looking, but she’s not Hometown Hottie material and I have no idea how she made it into the top 10. First off she’s 5 ft 2, not 5 ft 2 and 95 lbs can be cute to look at because lots of guys do like smaller chicks to have as girlfriends, but I don’t think anyone who looks like a little 12 year old elf could be called hot or categorized as a hottie even with that magic push up bra, but I’d still let her change my diaper when playing infantilism sex games….I think she should be disqualified and that’s enough for the review because Maxim is going to sue me if I keep this up much longer because I already know who I want to win.

Only 2 more Hometown Hotties to go….

Here’s Hometown Hottie Roberta. I may hate the name Roberta because it reminds me of this big black lesbian who used to beat up on me when I was younger, but I don’t hate topless girls and pretty much everyone of her pictures is her topless. She could call herself anything she wants, because I won’t be listening to a word she says anyway. I am not one of those dude who gets awestruck when I see a topless chick, I just generally don’t listen to anyone. Roberta says that she’s a moneymaker, I may not know what that means but I do know a lot of girls who call themselves moneymakers because the official title of their work is far too sleazy to tell their grandparents like like escorting, porn, stripping and hooking….

I just read that Roberta is married and I have this thing where I am not into married chicks, so this post ends here. I am sure I would have gone on and made it life changing…but good luck to married Roberta, maybe she should be focusing on taking your kids to daycare or some shit…I am sure she’s a nice person but I hope she doesn’t win because it’ll go against everything I stand for.

I am reviewing the Maxim Hometown Hotties for fun, there are 10 of them and this is number 6. Her name is Nicki, she’s from Kentucky, she likes country music and being in Maxim has always been her dream so she’s almost made it to where she wanted to be. If she was to win, I wonder where she’d go next since there’d be nothing to look forward to as she’d already achieved everything she ever wanted to….

I am not really into fake tits at all. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because they feel fucking weird or maybe it is because they look unnatural and I am more of a candid picture, amateur porn type of person and not too into the polished airbrushed or doctored fakes. So I look at fake tits and see a girl who is insecure about her body, who has a negative self image, who thinks tits get her ahead in life, and who probably only dates dudes with six packs, even if they are dumber than the implants she’s rockin in her tits.

However, I am also a dude and dudes like girls and dudes like tits and when looking at a chick, I’, happy to stare, especially if her body is as tight as Nicki’s. I am not too sure she has much of a chance in winning, because she’s up against a ten other half naked chicks, but I would totally watch her take a bath on webcam…because I know that if we met in person, she’d probably get security to kick me out of the bar, like the time I got aggressive with some dude when I was wasted and his girlfriend told the bouncer I punched her in the face, when all I really did was tell her that she had a dumpy ass and that was only because she told me I was a fat fuck….I said something along the lines of, if I got AIDS from fucking a slut like you, I’d lose the weight bitch, but no matter how many squats you do, you’ll still have a dumpy fucking ass. Genetics can suck sometimes…and I can be an asshole. I like to think that song party like a rockstar was written for me, even though I am usually drunk on cheap beer and not champagne like some aspiring actor I met last week….That shit was Gayer than Ellen…