It turns out that despite having her nipple taken off and put back on so many fuckin’ times, Jordan still manages to have her nipples. I was expecting some Barbie Doll tits because I just assumed those were the battle wounds from doing that to your tits so many times. You’d think those things were like a set of tires on your car that the more you drive on them, the more rundown they get, until you have to tattoo a nipple on like a cancer patient, but lookin’ at these pics of Jordan with her normal sized tits from December, her scars are a lot better than the sluts I know with who have fake tits. I guess Jordan’s got a better surgeon than they do which makes sense because when your tits are your job, you are probably better off biting the bullet and investing a little more money into them tits because I hear it’s hard to get topless work when your shits look more like an autopsy. Here is Jordan in Cannes gettin some sun. And this is my worst post of all time. I blame drinking…

Eva Mendes did some hot photoshoot for some European Vogue and it reminds me of all the vintage porn I used to jerk off to because there was just something amazing about getting down to a woman in frilly lingerie in the 1950s while knowin’ she was either pissin’ herself in an old folks home, knitting a scarf for her church group or was dead, all while I came all over myself to her pics…

There was some event called the Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala last night and besides it being one the most obnoxious sounding event names a lot of people showed up. The more interesting of the bunch was probably Michelle Trachtenberg because she wrapped her nipples up like a Christmas gift, despite being a Jew, while wearing a pretty see through top. I guess being left out and watching all those Christians in her elementary school class doing the secret Santa gift exchange while she sat in the corner playing with her dreidel while speaking yiddish to herself has emotionally scarred her enough to develop an addiction to wrapping up everything in the house on a regular basis in gold paper, sometimes even her body parts or maybe she just didn’t want us to see her Jew nipple. I heard they don’t look like a regular nipple because of the generations of inbreeding and obsessing over the whole Holocaust thing they can’t seem to get over, but they sure are good at making money and not spending it on tipping waiters.

The one thing that hip hop people, extreme sport people, street wear people and hipsters have in common is the all-over print hoody and now Playboy sluts can be added to the list of assholes who wear these stupid shirts. But they are a bit more interesting to look at because they have big fake tits and hard nipples and their all over print is some truck trailer slut emblem and not something lame like lightning bolts or whatever the fuck these kids are sporting….

I guess the other thing interesting about Playboy sluts who made it to the top and are fuckin’ Hefner is that they realize that they offer little more to the world than a set of tits and can make decent money from them so why the fuck not take what you can get. They look at gold-diggin the same way that an average person sees going to a technical school to get a skill that makes them employable and instead of paying for tuition, they spend their money on breast implants, tacky clothes and hair dye to manipulate their way to the top of the slut ladder staring at the bottom of the stripper pole and working their way up….

I guess I shouldn’t be so quick to judge, since I am sitting here in my underwear in my shitbox apartment, unskilled, uneducated and broke, because if I had a set of tits that weren’t as disgusting to look at as my man tits are, I’d be using them to make my life a little more comfortable too. I don’t know what the point of this post is but I do know that I spent the day drinking and that was pretty irresponsible of me so I’m trying to make it up to you here.

So it’s Lily Allen’s birthday and she’s wearing some kind of see through dress when she should really be wearing some kind of Mascot Costume because at least that way bitch would look cute. I can only assume that she forgot to wear a bra because she’s so distraught that her baby will never see it’s first birthday because it’s living in a pair of bloody panties she just can’t seem to bring herself to throw out. I guess that’s the harsh reality of smoking and drinking’ while knocked up and a miscarriage is just the small price you have to pay for being an irresponsible joke of an expecting mother.

Either way, here are her nipples that her baby will never get to suckle on for food, because her baby never made it out of her rotten vagina and I’d like to think that he’s not the first one to feel the negative effect of her lady parts. In reality, I think every dude who’s ever fucked her can relate to that miscarriage because as soon as they were done with her and looked into her face and realized what they did, they wanted to die too.

So I am watching Oprah, like I do everyday since I am pretty much a house wife and when the TV works, it’s the only channel I have. I may not have a vagina, but I do have a penis that works a lot like a vagina, a really rank smelling vagina. Either way, Oprah is about Sex in the City and Ugly Sarah Jessica Parker is on bragging about how the show has a committed male fan-base and as the camera scrolls over the audience, the 4 men they show are all wearing pink cowboy shirts and clapping their hands like drag queens with their lips pursed because they are gay. I feel like saying you have a strong male audience is a totally different thing that having a strong gay audience, not because fags aren’t men but because fags fuck men and have more in common with women in things they like doing. I guess Sarah Jessica Parker wouldn’t know since her husband is the biggest fucking queer - he’s all song and dance broadway Broderick so her perception of men is one of having a live in gay who help you pick out your dress, do your hair and make-up and talk to about boys while making you babies. I assume like a bad episode of WIll and Grace but I never watched that shit and I’ve never watched this Sex in the City trash because I think it gives girls a horrible role-model with ideas that being a slut is ok, denouncing their genetic need to have babies and be homemakers to focus on their career and feed their unhappiness with shopping, consumption and sex with randoms, when we all know a woman’s place isn’t in the work force unless that work force is in my house doin’ my motherfuckin’ dishes while giving me head.

Either way, here’s Ellen Pompeo not wearing a bra because shit is represents a patriarchal society and reduces women as sex symbols and they want liberation from that shit. What they don’t realize is that not wearing a bra is a hell of a lot more slutty, especially when your nipples are hard enough to pierce through 2 layers of t-shirts and I can pretty much visualize them naked, not because I want to, but because I have to. At least she counterbalances everything almost decent in these pictures by wearing those stupid fuckin’ pants that makes me feel like I am watching the Harlem Globetrotters or some shit.

As a side note, Kristen Davis just walked onto the set and I’ve already seen her big meaty pussy a month ago in her nude pics that were released and that I had to take off my site from her lawyers and it makes watching her talk more fun because all I see is her massive dark colored labia talking to me about being unhappy when she was 25 and it makes this garbage a little more tolerable.

I am back and so is Jessica Alba at least that’s what people are saying about these see-through pictures of her. I don’t have the same horny, virgin vision as you, because when I look at this shit I don’t see any fuckin’ nipple, but then again I’ve spent the last 4 years staring at a computer so my eyes work about as well as my non-existant libido.

Despite bitch being knocked up, I know you’d still do her cuz you’re all about the banging a woman who is carrying because the circle of life is such a beautiful thing but not as beautiful as not being able to knock her up since someone’s already been there. It’s one of those get in, get the job done, get out and don’t hear back from the girl again, not that that would happen for you with psycho Alba who used her uterus to trap her boyfriend which is the reason why escort agencies should offer full service from pregnant whores so you can live out your fantasy.

Here are some pictures of Lesbian Pink doing some Lesbian Grocery Shopping and her nipples are hard. I was trying to figure out what she bought because I figure lesbians buy anything tree hugging, vegan, organic and granola based, but can’t make out what this is. I guess lesbians also buy anything phallic because they can use it on their pussies before eating it in some kind of green-living, saving on consumption kick.

I think ti’s funny how everyone is fuckin’ crazy about saving the environment now, it’s everywhere I fucking look. Where all these people think they have a responsibility to save the fuckin’ world and that their using shitty overpriced lightbulbs or putting a brick in their toilet is going to make a fucking difference. I don’t like group though and that’s why I still don’t recycle. I am a garbage producer and the proof of that is in this site.

Aubrey O’Day is another slut who thinks she’s more important to the world than she actually is. She’s the kind of girl who catches her boyfriend watching some kind of Jenna Jameson porn and figures she can do that shit too, only instead of porn she does pop singing. She’s the kind of girl who all her life was told she was good enough to be the next Britney Spears but just couldn’t land a break until she saw the casting call from Making of the Band 3 - and then it all fell into place and by fall into to place I mean she’s got a D-List career that she tells herself is a stepping stone but will fizzle out as soon as Making of the Band 4 hits, but at least she knows to not wear bras to get more attention to herself. So maybe I’m wrong, maybe she’s here to stay, but that popularity or success won’t change the fact that she’s useless.

I think posting Sophie Monk is my way of rubbing shit in Benjo Madden’s face because I think she’s hot and he’s onto some sewage treatment plant of a vagina that he found in Paris Hilton. I know the whole expression we used to drop back in the day that even Cindy Crawford’s husband gets bored of her and seeks new vagina, back when Cindy Crawford was the hottest model out there, but I still think going from this to Paris is some kind of twisted shit. I guess Paris is more experienced sexually, and that sometimes means that bitch is better in bed and can do things to him that a regular unslutty chick can’t, but I know that every slut that I’ve ever got with has been pretty shitty in bed and the reason they are sluts in the first place. Pretty much no guy ever stuck around with them long enough for them to really experiment and there sex may be with many people, but it’s been bad sex with many people. Where as a girl who just gets out of a long term relationship is all about licking your asshole and letting you fuck her without a condom because that’s all she really knows.

I guess what it all comes down to is that that best sex Madden has ever had was when he was in the womb suckin off his twin brother that they caught on ultrasound, and for him his life will be a constant journey to find that innocent first love again…..and unfortunately for him he’s lookin’ in all the wrong places, but at least he can get a cheesy mall tattoo to commemorate the journey.

Here’s Sophie Monk with no bra and hard nipples you perverts…

Jessica Simpson is in Esquire and I am not down with the way she’s aging, not sure why but I feel like everyday she looks more and more like a dude. The good news is that she’s got some tits and those tits have hard nipples and I guess that compensates for her pro-athlete lookin’ face.

I was watching some Carson Daly shit last night at a girl I met at Starbucks’ house and Perez Hilton was on talking about how he was making out with John Mayer while Jessica was rubbing Mayer’s crotch. Now I don’t care for Perez or his gay stories with singer/song writing homos who aren’t out of the closet with their homosexuality, but the fact that he’s doing gay shit isn’t a testament to how shitty Jessica is in bed, it’s just proof that bitch looks enough like a dude to attract dudes who are on the fence with their sexuality. She’s the kind of girl down with male-male-female threesomes for her sexually confused boyfriend and that makes her someone you’d probably like to get to know because your theory is that as long as there’s a chick in the room with you and another naked erect man, you’re in the clear and don’t have to come out to your family.

More proof that bitch attracts closet cases is that she’s dating a football quarterback. Football may be the most abusive sport out there with men tackling men in spandex who all go to the locker room to shower together when the games over, but it sounds a whole lot like a gay porno storyline to me and if you were a closet cased homo in highschool, you’d probably be more drawn to that extra curricular activity than starting a band to lure all the slutty girls into your basement with….

I guess my theories don’t matter, just look at the pics.

I wonder who the fuck raped or molested Samantha Ronson when she was younger to make her end up like this creepy drug addicted lookin’ lesbian in a hat. I guess there is a chance that she wasn’t molested or raped and it is just a genetic issue. I’m thinking that maybe there wasn’t enough female DNA to go around in her mother’s broken womb, because it all went into Mark Ronson’s singing, and Samantha Ronson got stuck with the short end of the stick, literally, because bitch was born without the penis she wished she had….

Either way, she’s hanging with my internet mother Lohan, because she looks old enough to be my mother, which wouldn’t stop me from getting her herpes all over my face and my seed all over her uterus in hopes of having a genetic freak like Ronson of our own.

I am not sure why Samantha Ronson is creepin’ on Lohan, but I know she’s up to no good. She looks like the dude from the Frosty the Snowman cartoon who was trying to steal Frosty’s hat and ultimately killed him…and I feel like Ronson is up on that which means that they are either fucking, or doing drugs together, when they really should be shoppin’ for clothes together because Samantha Ronson’s needs a new look, but is more into drinkin’ beer, huffin lines, watchin’ football and fuckin’ bitches with her clown sneakers on….what she doesn’t realize is that just because she fucks bitches and is a bitch doesn’t mean she has the right to dress like a dude, if you have a vagina, you should be a lady who dresses like a lady even if you fuck ladies.

Either way, I messaged Ronson on Facebook for an official statement about these pictures, she ignored me. Maybe she was jerking off to porn and changing the oil on her car after building a shed in her backyard, like the dude that she is, or maybe she was out trying to ruin Lohan more than she already has by riding Lohan’s fame until Lohan self-destructs as Ronson shovels cocaine up both their noses….

I’ve spent too much time writing this post and it sucks. I need a nap.