I am guessing that Ashlee Simpson got pregnant via artifical insemination or some kind of sperm donor or cock she was getting on the side, because last I heard, Pete Wentz had a vagina and lesbian relationships can’t make their own babies.

Further proof that she’s a lesbian is that her tits look sloppy, her stomach looks fat and those are pretty much two things that describe all the lesbians I know. Throw on a flannel shirt and a pair of construction boots and cut off her long luxurious orange hair asymetrical and she’ll be pretty much in dyke business. The only problem with Ashlee, proven by her career is that she’s in a constant identity crisis trying to pave her own way in her sister’s shadow, so it’d be expected that getting down to business would take her longer than the average lesbian because she is a loser and just doesn’t know what’s up.

At least we know that we can look forward to their next pregnancy, when Wentz’s jealously makes him decide that it’s his turn to be the mom and we get to see motherfucker on Oprah talking about being the second man to get pregnant because he’s actually got a uterus instead of balls and stopped hormone therapy because he couldn’t handle watching the connection Ashlee had to her baby as she breast fed and his maternal instinct kicked in and he figured it was time to stop living the lie and do what nature had originally planned out for him….

One of life’s recent great mysteries is how Ashlee Simpson got pregnant when the person she married has a vagina. I guess another one of life’s great mysteries will be when her kid subtracts his birthday by his parent’s wedding day and realizes that there are a couple months missing leading the little unfortunate fucker to knowing that he was an accident and that his good little Christian family is just fronting for the media because everyone knows Christians don’t fuck before marriage, especially with some cocksucker who may not be the anti-christ but is such a piece of garbage as a person tha you could only assume is something Satan shat up after eating too much Mexican food.

I guess the good news is that with pregnancy comes a newfound sluttiness because girls know it’s the end of them as they were and from now on are either pregnant or chicks with baggage when they are back on the market because their little girl husbands decide to fuck off with the pool boy after spending 6 months showing him his asymetric hair down there, and by down their I mean on his asshole.

Either way, she’s got solid cleavage and that’s good enough for me and probably good enough for you.

Whenever I see Jessica Alba pregnant, all I can think of is the bear trap that is her vagina because I remember reading about how she got pregnant to trap Cash Warren into staying with her, because despite how many dudes want to get with her, she’s still a girl and being a girl makes her not realize that she’s got a ton of guys who want to get with her because all her attention is focused on the one guy who doesn’t want to be with her after already banging her. Either way,, she’s pregnant in a bikini and I know I could probably write something vulgar or maybe even funny, but why bother, I’ve pretty much given up on life, kinda like Jessica Alba will when she realizes that guys everywhere will only want to get with her now because of her fat wallet and not because of her fat, stretchmarked, gaping vagina.

I just woke up like the lazy homeless motherfucker I am, I think it’s gotta do with drinking, because when I go out I don’t hear a fuckin’ thing until I wake up with the biggest fuckin migraine. Life passes me before my eyes and that’s ok by me because it’s not all that fun anyway. Maybe if I didn’t pass out on the floor at 6 am, I’d be more likely to wake up at the crack of dawn and be the early bird catching the worm, but I was never a huge fan of worms, I was always a little more into pussy.

Either way, that means I do a lazy video post to start the day on the site and maybe the day in Hawaii or some shit where it’s 7 am right now, while all you other fuckers are coming in from lunch. That’s part of the reason that the unemployed are my target market that have limited expectations out of me.

So this video is with some bitch I don’t know named Julie Bowen, I don’t think I have ever heard of, which isn’t a testament to how shitty Kimmel’s show is, but more a testament to how I am in the wrong line of websites but she’s talking about her tits in what is probably the least sexy way and about how she’s pumps her baby milk filled tits while driving, something that would make a much better video than this, but I’m too lazy and poverty stricken to make happen.

I already did a post on Kate Hudson in her bikini today , but here are the thong bikini pics that are doing the rounds. Don’t ask why I bothered doing another post on her today, I feel like it was easier.

Either way, she does look a little fat in the uterus, but my expert opinion is not very expert since I have never knocked a girl up either because I am shooting blanks or I just never heard back from the girl since pregnancy and abortions were all part of her job description and were a cost of doing business, so even if she did get knocked up, she still wouldn’t have called me to let me know because she got with so many men in any given day, anyone could have been daddy….

All I know, her uterus looks fat, but it could be because of her period or maybe it’s just the way she’s standing or maybe she’s drank one too many beers and eaten one too many plates of nachos. Who knows or cares, what you should know is that despite finding her ugly and not worth a fuck, I had no idea that her ass was this fuckin’ great….so pregnant or not, she’s worth a round as long as she’s gettin’ it from behind….

So I wrote some comments about a hot Jewish girl yesterday, and people dwell on the fact that I said most Jewish girls are smoke and mirrors and aren’t that hot. So I got this email backlash:

you just lost an great visitor with those jewish comments. dont know if that means anything to you or not. but im jewish and you really did not come off well there at all.

My response is that it’s just fucking jokes and you shouldn’t take you or your ugly Jewish wife so seriously. I like stirring shit up and pissing people off and you of all people should know that Jewish chicks aren’t all that hot for the most part and addressing that I found a hot one doesn’t mean I hate Jewish people. However, I am not surprised that a Jewish person would write me whiney fucking emails about how bad of a person I am and how they are never going to come back to my site because I made fun of Jewish chicks for being good at giving blowjobs. I mean what it comes down to is that you just have to look at the positive in what I write…and stop crying about how the world hates you. I feel like your Filipino nanny who raised you and I just made you turn off the TV to do your fucking homework. Baby.

Now I know how Halle Berry felt when she made a Jewish nose joke on Leno even though everyone, including Jews make Jewish nose jokes, but enough about the Jews. Halle Berry is pregnant and with pregnancy comes bigger tits and she’s showing them off because girls generally don’t feel that hot when they throw up every morning and piss a hundred times a day, so work with what you got and that makes all of you happy. I wonder if your mom’s tits looked this how what she was pregnant with you? Maybe you should hit up your old photo album and send the goods my way.

Here are some pictures of pregnant Christina Augilera’s leaving some restaurant with her husband that gives all of you hope that if you ever make a lot of money, you can knock up a bitch like Christina too, but until then, you’ll have to jerk of to her attempt at ready to drop porn that is pretty fucking weak cuz all we can see is her huge implant pregnancy fat milk filled tits. That’s good enough for me, what isn’t good enough for me is that I lost a bet I made 10 years ago that I would bang her in my lifetime, that fact that dude dropped load in her that stuck means she’ll probably stick it out with him for a while probably a good move on his part, because being the baby daddy of X-Tina’s baby is sure to go over well with all the young college chicks he’s going to cheat on her with because now he thinks he’s hot shit…I am just hoping it’s enough time for me to get my shit together because I hate losing bets and because I already know she’s got no standards….but I think it’s easier to just accept that I didn’t win. I am lazy like that.

I used to know a guy who was obsessed with trying to get a girl pregnant. He never really had sex all that often and when he did it was usually paid for. He would always sabotage his condoms hoping one would get through but the problem with hookers is that you can’t always find them for the follow-up. He became so obsessed with it that he’d go to the laundry room in his building and jerk of on girls panties, thinking that one unsuspecting girl would put on the underwear before it dried. What he didn’t realize was that there was a hidden camera in the laundry room of his building and the one girl he constantly did it too caught on the first time and made a complaint. He got arrested and he probably should have quit his pregnancy quest while he was ahead…but dude just had to push the limits.

Either way, here are some Aguilera crazy cleavage pictures.

If I was a real blog this post would have been two lines and it woulda gone like this: Hey Christina, maybe you should lay off the cheesecake it’s starting to look like you’re pregnant. Oh wait it’s cuz you are. Nice tits.

I have said it before, I like to repeat myself, because I never remember who I said it to. It could have been on this site, but my archives got fucked in the move, unlike me, I never get fucked, and when I do, it’s by something you wouldn’t want to get fucked by and it’s really not by choice, but that’s no the point of this story. Pregnancy is the worse STD a bitch can get, I know all you anti-abortion jesus lovers are thinking “pregnancy is beautiful, it’s what keeps our religion alive”. But I come from a different school of thought and that is that kids follow you around for life, they mooch off you and cost you money, you have no control as to whether they are going to be cute or not, they never respect you and most importantly, they destroy your body, there’s no full recovery. I’m talking nothing ever fully whips back into shape, not the assaulted cooter, not the milk-bag feeding sack titties, not the belly or the ass…it may look like it does sometimes, but that’s just smoke and mirrors. Now, look at Britney’s nipple, the fucker is bigger than my head. You can’t tell me this shit’s sexy, in two years from now, she’ll write a memoir and in it, it will say “I wish K-Fed only gave me herpes, not herpes and a baby, ya’ll”. That’s my fucking story.