Whoever said the miracle of life is a beautiful thing was wrong. That’s all I have to say about that.

Here are some pictures of Ashlee Simpson and her sperm donor hanging out with her new tits that will be alright to look at in the infancy of her pregnancy before she gets all fat and there’s no pleading ignorance on the shit when you mount her and enjoy the fruits of her sluttiness by not worrying about getting her pregnant because she already is pregnant and you only have to use a condom if you’re not a risk taker. Pussy.

Not that you’d ever mount her because she’s a good little Christian girl who’s only real slip up has been lying to the fucking public and having pre-marital sex with a bi-sexual heathen, that you’ll never have the opportunity to get with because she thinks she’s all famous and shit, but let it be a lesson for you to use when you try to have sex with your friend’s pregnant wife because we all know she was a slut to get into this mess to begin with and sluts generally put out.

I heard on the news that there was a tornado warning and I got excited because I have never been in a tornado and assumed it was a sign of the apocalypse. When the power went out and the overcast and wind rolled in, I was excited to see the world come to an end. Unfortunately, I was wrong, and people like Paris Hilton as still gracing the planet, but the good news is that she’s gracing the planet alone and she doesn’t have a little spawn growing up inside her tattered womb like everyone reported last week.

She is however, still a trashy attention whore who despite having no talent or skills gets away with being a bisexual cokeslut drunk, and instead of being sent to rehab to save her career, is paid lots of money to show girls how to dance to the wrong song that the DJ is playing because the beat doesn’t go with her pre-planned moves.

The worst thing is that little girls are just copying her bullshit, wearing the party dresses, dancing on the bars and talking like a semi-retarded valley girl who got in an a drunk driving car accident on prom night and things just haven’t been the same since.

It’s got so bad that even today, I saw a little asian girl rockin’ animal print boots, she was about 3 and I already knew what fate had lined up for her and I blame Paris.

Either way, Paris was at a club, drinking and dancing and I assume that if that doesn’t confirm she’s not pregnant, and the fact that she’s got more pussy diseases than the SPCA and can’t get pregnant is just speculation, pictures of her miscarriage dripping down her thigh, is in the only thing that will let me sleep easy and can only hope it’s in the near future.

So someone told me that Jessica Simpson is moving into country because it has more longevity than pop since the people who listen to country are people of routine as they tend to their farms for generations doing the same jobs day in and day out from the age of 6, when they dropped out of school, until the day they die and are as loyal as Rusty, the dog they found in a ditch just outside of town when they were on their way to get feed and a new hinge for the barn door, and they decided to nurse him back to health and raise on the farm with the rest of their animals and who turned out to be a best friend and companion during all the low years when love just wasn’t goin’ their way. I guess it’s also got something to do with country fans not caring what the female performers look like because compared to their toothless haggard and obese wife they end up with, even Rusty starts to look like a natural beauty, if you know what I mean.

Either way, I think she’s moving to country because she needs something more wholesome because she’s knocked up. I ran these pictures by my expert in pregnancy, who is some slut I met at a bar who has happened to have had over 10 abortions and has been pregnant about 30 times in the last 10 years and she seems to think that Jessica is hiding something and that Tony Romo is back with her because of something and that Joe Simpson, who would normally dress her in a bikini is covering her up to look a lot more wholesome because of something.

Everything she does is a career move and that even the biggest perverts I know get thrown off when they get lap dances from pregnant strippers so as of today, she’s either trying to luring in the Christians who think she’s a tramp to buy her new album, or she’s laying the groundwork so that the Christians who can see past her being a tramp but won’t tolerate a slutty pregnant chick won’t turn on her.

So according to me and my team of one slut, Jessica Simpson is knocked up.

Paris Hilton seems to have be a little jealous of Nicole Richie because Paris Hilton is a catty little cunt who wants the spotlight on her. She’s gone onto date Nicole Richie’s baby daddy’s twin and now looks like she’s knocked up. I guess this is a miracle from God, not because you’d think all the abortions and STDs would leave her barren, but because it means that the Good Charlotte sister’s don’t actually have vaginas. I remember watching some kind of documentary as a kid about a kid born to a herpes ridden vagina and how it had the shit all over it’s head like some kind of monster and that makes me excited to see the baby pictures, provided she doesn’t get a third trimester abortion when the baby miscarries due to her drug habits, eating disorders and when it realizes who’s womb it’s inside and kills itself.

So Jessica Alba doesn’t like the paparazzi taking pictures of her and gets so aggressive that she’s throws up the finger like it ain’t a thing, making me think that she is going to be an abusive mother with no patience. It would probably make sense for Alba to relocate during the pregnancy to a small town somewhere that paparazzi don’t hang out. I feel like hitting up the local Baja Fresh in Beverly Hills is probably putting yourself out there at a level you shouldn’t get mad at the paparazzi for, making her look like a total piece of shit cunt.

I guess it’s nice to see that her mother has stepped in to take care of her while Cash Warren is out doin’ his thing because he is still bitter than she didn’t get the abortion he demanded because he knew she got pregnant by using a sperm sample she spat into a tupperwear and kept in the freezer in case he ever left her. What isn’t very nice about her mother stepping up to the plate is that she’s fuckin’ disgusting looking and seems like the only plate she’s been stepping up to is one full of fuckin’ bacon.

The whole look at the mother when landing the chick obviously wasn’t taken seriously when Cash Warren hooked up with Alba in her peak without realizing it was going to be a life sentence, because if this is a glimpse into the future it’s not so fuckin’ bright. To be fair to Alba’s mom, maybe she’s packin’ on some pregnancy weight since her daughter’s overeating is a good excuse to indulge her eating fantasies like the time I gained 25 lbs when one of my girlfriend’s got knocked up but the difference was that my chick got an abortion and I was just making excuses to eat late night pizza.

Either way, here’s Alba and her mom.

I was walking home drunk around 4 am the other day and the cops decided to come hassle me. As I was talking to them trying to avoid getting arrested by telling them I am just walking home and that I don’t want trouble and shit, this crackhead black chick who was clearly pregnant and completely fucked out of her tree on whatever the fuck drugs she was on rides her bike by us, if you can call what she was doing riding a bike, it was more like swerving in and out of traffic on some kind of death ride like a drunken, drugged up pregnant chick on a bike would ride a bike. As soon as she sees the fuckin’ cops and me she panics, drops the bike and runs in the opposite direction. I try to tell the cops that I think they are wasting their time with me because this chick is obviously on drugs, obviously stole that bike and is ditching it and is obviously up to no fuckin’ good because she saw cops and is fleeing but instead of letting innocent me go home to check out the criminal, they ended up getting mad at me for trying to videotape the bitch and for telling them how to do their job and gave me some public drunkeness ticket. It’s like when I see cops giving out speeding tickets to people going 50 in a school zone, while there are people making meth in their basements to sell to those kids. It’s nice to see the pigs have their priorities straight.

Speaking of priorities, it looks like Britney’s are completely set striaght, because I know how a bad wipe or hemorrhoids can takeover someone’s life. I live with an obese woman and scratching her ass seems to be something she does more than eating bags of chips with her unwashed asshole smelling fingers. It’s pretty gross when my wife does it, but I think it’s hot when Britney does it because she’ may look like ghetto trash but she’s rich and that means her shit is more valuable than my wife’s poverty shit and you can probably smell that difference in their stained week old panties.

I love how all these fuckin’ virgins get all excited when a pregnant chick shows up with her cleavage exposed because her tits are miraculously bigger. It’s like seeing a teenage kid who just hit puberty on the beach amongst girls in bikinis. Their excitement makes no fuckin’ sense to me, maybe it’s because I know the condition her pussy will be in in 9 months, or maybe it’s cuz I don’t like lookin’ at fat chicks with big tits because I don’t like fat tits or maybe it’s because big tits usually mean sloppy asses. The truth is that getting off to a pregnant chick is some twisted shit and a losers sport. I have a hard enough time fucking a hooker knowing she slammed a guy an hour before me so thinking about a dude beating me to the prize and the proof is showing in her fat uterus that I am trying to cum inside really messes with my head.

The good news is that despite how twisted I am and how much I enjoy watching girls breast feed their babies in public, I can die knowing that I am not as sexually fucked up as I am accused of while all these other sick seemingly normal virgins fucks are jerking off to knocked up Brazilian bitches and I’m at home watching Brazilian tranny porn, because there’s nothing more normal than watching a hot chick with a dick getting sucked off by another hot chick.

Tori Spelling is disgusting so it’s not surprising that she’s celebrating that she’s been knocked up by running around in a bikini. It’s her way of letting us all know that some dude was willing to get up in that and that we’ve missed our window because she’s a taken women. It’s her big fuck you to everyone who ever slept with her but insisted on using a condom so that they never have to be stuck to answering to her for the rest of the kid’s life and like all pregnant girls who pull themselves away from the toilet long enough to do some kind of photoshoot, she’s showing off the battle wounds of sex, that are just going to get worse when the baby pops out of her leaving her with even less sex appeal than she had before this whole mess. Pregnancy is only a beautiful thing to the girls who are pregnant because all their friends tell them how beautiful they look while under their breath are thankful it’s not them. Not to mention, they only hang with a pregnant chicks to make themselves more appealing. It’s like how chicks hang with ugly girls to make themselves look hotter because standing next to a knocked up bitch makes any girl look skinny and desirable, because only really desperate assholes with sick festishes are horny enough to hustle a pregnant chick, so hanging with a pregnant chick is also a filter because that is the kind of guy no girl wants to mistakenly have a one night stand with unless of course she’s pregnant and wants to be naughty for a night, because it’s pretty clear that they already put out.

Here’s Tori in her bikini….

Christina Aguilera is pretty lame. She is a second rate Britney and has never really been able to live that down. I guess it's affected her self-esteem enough for her to always hide behind a ton of fuckin' make-up, pretending she's some kind of cheap lookin' Marilyn Monroe rockin' out to some Jazz doing some swing dancing in 1944 while her husband is off at war. I guess in her case, if it was 1944, her husband would actually be in a concentration camp getting gassed while she was entertaining our troops offering them pin-up posters to tape to their bunks and I guess their baby would never have been born.

If it's got nothing to do with her self-esteem, then maybe she's on some Edward Scissor Hand shit and some crazed scientist made her as some kind of sex doll that you can actually knock up, but I don't think that's possible, she just makes us think that it is....so she really just keeps giving you hope and you should be more supportive of her.

People are saying that Katie Holmes is pregnant. I am saying that shit is impossible because Tom Cruise is gay. I know people who know people who know people who have told me on 2 different occasions from 2 different sources that he used to fly into Montreal on a private jet to fuck young french dudes. I know that the story could be a lie, but if you want to fuck young French dudes this is the place that everyday feels like I’ve accidentally walked into the gay pride parade. I guess he could always use artificial insemination after they suck the cum out of Travolta’s ass….I guess poopy sperm still packs a punch….

Speaking of punch, the last time I asked a girl when her baby was due, I got punched by her boyfriend. She was eating a box of donuts and was pushing 250 lbs. How was I to know she was just a fat fucking pig.

My theory is that she’s just on her period.

Here’s Christina Aguilera showing her vagina, because like all ready to drop mothers to be who are in and out of doctor appointments showing the world their cunts at least once a week, it’s not that big deal. Not that it ever was for her, because based on her music videos you’d think she was some kind of whore sex addict, but the reality is that most girls who talk sex and live sex and do sex dances for the world to jerk off to, don’t actually have sex. It’s just one of those things called marketing.

Another one of those things is that she knows that the her vagina will never be the same again and figures she should let the world know what it was like in its glory days. Unfortunately, I don’t have super virgin powers and can’t make out any lip, so this vagina slip is a fuckin’ bust by my standards becasue I’ve seen more pussy on my dad and I never even met my dad, but I used to pretend ever dude my mom would bring home to fuck for money was my dad, and based on the shit I saw, those fucker’s got mad pussy cuz she was cheap and easy. Kinda like Aguilera.