The cool thing about drugs is that it turns people in to grey unhealthy lookin’ crazy people. It rapes them from the inside when I can’t. I still woulda slammed Lohan during her dark addiction years that I am pretty sure she’ll be revisiting soon enough because getting fucked and fucked up is a lot more exciting than sitting around doing nothing all day, but these pictures of her lookin’ refreshed in yellow remind of the Lohan I decided to stalk 3 years ago. She still doesn’t know I exist because I am not really good at much, and stalking takes too much fucking work, but if I had followed through on it, I woulda definitely been on Entertainment Tonight.

She looks happier than you’ve ever been in these pics, I was thinking maybe it’s because she rekindled shit with her dad, then I was thinking it was cuz she kicked her addictions, but then I realized that she’s supposed to be getting out in 2 weeks and she can probably taste the cocaine and smell the cum drippin off her chin.

I just got an email from someone from my past who recognized my voice in one of the videos. He told me that he’s been lookin’ for me for 7 years and that I am dead. I think that means I just got a death threat. I’ll let you know how that works out for me….but after lookin at these Lohan the Sunshine of my Life pictures I don’t think anything can go wrong….she’s my guardian angel and by angel I mean she’s my target vagina to lick in my lifetime….we all need to have goals….otherwise what’s the point of livin’….

I decided to sit in a coffee shop because I wanted out of the house and didn’t have anywhere else to go. I saw a bitch breast feeding, which seems to happen every fucking time I go into the place and today I was feeling a little obnoxious so I looked at her and looked at the baby and told her to save some for me because I was feeling kinda hungry. The mom wasn’t too impressed and told me to fuck myself or something. I guess she didn’t realize that I was being serious.

I used to get the same reaction back in the day when I thought asking a girl to touch her toes was the funniest question, because they’d answer it seriously, then realize how fucking creepy and would tell me to fuck myself. I used to ask girls in all kinds of situations to touch their toes, whether it was outside the gym, where I used to hang out to see mom’s come in in their lycra, or at the mall where I’d sit to see the teen girls shopping, or the grocery store when women were bending over to get cans of soup. I’m creepy like that.

Here are some pictures of Lohan doing what I used to love seeing girls do, I don’t think she has any idea that this toe touching shit is a fetish of mine, but I’ll just pretend she does, like you pretend the girls you see in porn are your girlfriends who let you lick their assholes every time you jerk off.

Lohan is the kind of girl I think I will always love. She was my original celebrity obsession on this site and I tried everything I could to get in touch with her. I used to stalk her co-workers, I used to leave her voicemail messages, I used to harass Filipino kids pretending to be Lohan on Myspace. It was a big part of my life work that really never materialized. In those years I’ve seen her go from a big breasted barely 18 sex pot to a washed up 21 year old broken down pick-up truck with herpes, addiction and an eating disorder. She’s been hospitalized, arrested, in accidents. She’s had breakdowns and freak outs and itall started when her first love, the immigrant on That 70s Show broker her heart. She took some insane self destructive path to fill the void that he left by going on to have sex with everyone, while he continued to live life as is banging regular girls 10 times hotter than Lohan that were impressed by his “fame”. The biggest problem in all this is that in her path to death she never released a sex tape and at the course she’s going, she may die and then that vagina will be off limits for ever and I will never reach my goal in getting her herpes.

An ad agency for some drug rehab center in Jersey released the “Don’t Die Lindsay” ad today. It’s one of those riding a celebrity coat tail situation to get publicity to your campaign and your company in hopes of getting better business. It’s a pretty standard fucking ad, it’s just text, it’s far from genius, but I am posting it anyway, because I don’t want Lohan to die.

I was at a strip club the other day and one of the girls was brown. Every other girl in the place showed off her box, I’m talking spreading the shit, fingering the shit, sticking it in our faces, you know doing what strippers do. But this brown one kept her underwear on. I figured it was a religious thing, like female circumcision and that’s when it dawned on me. If Lohan was female circumcised when she was 18, like a good little brown girl. She woulda never got into any of these issues. Sure it’s a violent, unethical treatment of women and I can appreciate that it’s disgusting, wrong, psycho and cruel, but shit woulda done wonders for Lohan and her career. That’s all I’m saying.

Here are some pics of Lohan in some boots, with leggings on, showing off her hot little ass that she’s put a “Hello, My Name is Sober Fun” sticker on, while rockin’ an ironic shirt telling us not to follow her….without realizing that we need to follow her to stare at her ass….but at least she’s communicating with us. I figure that’s step 1 in trying to fuck her.

Here are some pictures of Lohan’s tits with hard nipples as she hangs out with other rich kids on coke who are probably in rehab with her coming off their own rich kid drugs of choice all while wearing skinny jeans and being hipper than any of you, which isn’t saying much because you’re a loser.

I remember when I first got into middle school, I got hooked on this one chick in my class who had tits, when the rest of the girls didn’t. I am talking real woman tits, with big real woman nipples that were always hard, we’d call it “Nip-On” because I was always fucking cool and when all the other girls were just in training bra’s trying to hide their “budding bee stings” which I am sure is a hot concept to you, but that is why you shouldn’t be a gym teacher.

Either way, we used to try to follow her around and tease her and shit because we wanted her to feel insecure about these tits she couldn’t hide so that she would end up letting one of us suck them, but the plan backfired and she just strapped down, covered up and I don’t think we saw cleavage or hard nipples out of her ever again.

Lucky for us, Lohan’s life will lead us to seeing her completely naked one day and the fact that I care enough to write about her hard nipples like a loser whose never seen hard nipples and who is so fascinated with hard nipples because girls don’t talk to him, when in reality I am the coolest motherfucker I know and I am just bad at marketing myself.

Here are some pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a bikini while taking some time off of rehab to enjoy the beach like anyone who has an addiction and is supposed to be being treated would. It’s like fuck counseling the sun is out, men with abs are waiting with booze and drugs at the Mailbu home, rehab can wait til it’s raining out.

I was talking to someone about Lindsay Lohan, well not actually talking to them, I’m not into talking about celebrities in my free time but I do listen to people talk about celebrities. This time it happened to come up when we were in line at the grocery store. I was buying cans of Chili because they are probably the best meal you can buy with 59 cents. Either way this married mother was talking to her friend about how much Lohan has pulled her shit together and how she’s so inspiring. I was thinking to myself that this shit is all for show. What do you think the lawyer’s number one argument for her DUI driving case is? That she’s cleaned up. So while she is seemingly in rehab sometimes and she is seemingly getting better because she goes on hikes, rides tricycles and cancels vodka sponsored parties and wears bikinis looking well rested and big breasted, the public is already warming up to this skank.

I remember when I knew a girl who used to let everyone fuck her. She seriously had sex with any guy she came across and one day she announced that she was a born again virgin. She joined all these stupid support groups for virgins that you all probably know about, she didn’t have sex for about 5 weeks, but every day in those 5 weeks I had to hear about it from someone. Reality is she went back to working cock after those 5 weeks, nothing really changed, but for those 5 weeks, bitch wasn’t looked at like a herpes ridden whore everyone knew she was, people looked at her with a whole different wholesome attitude. I knew all along that it was false hope and I’d tell my buddies over and over again that she’d be back, because her addiction to the cock was a lot more important to her than her need to be respected and heard….I was right.

Point of that story is to say that Lohan is keeping up appearances, trying to save face, trying to regain the trust of employers, trying to regain the trust of the public, trying to have a sold case in court all by taking a break from the parties for a little while, but I know that she is still nothing but a coke addicted whore. The old Lohan will be back….in the meantime her tits look fucking stacked and rehab or not, lies or not, I’m still gonna look at ‘em.

Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 21st birthday out of rehab with her friends and coke addicted mom in a bikini, when I was in rehab i was told to stay away from the enablers or old friends that didn’t want to make the same changes in their life as I had. It meant dropping everyone I knew and partied with but I guess that rule doesn’t apply when the bitch who fed you cocaine when you were a teenager was your mom. The biggest supporter of the drug was the person you turned to for life advice. I don’t have proof of that shit, but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Either way, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree or whatever that expression is, so it’s safe to say that Lohan has a life of addiction ahead of her, but so do most of us, unfortunately not all of us look have as much money as her for the shit to not ruin our lives. We also aren’t as good lookin’ as she is when she does it. It’s not that I think Lohan is hot but she’s hotter than you and even though that’s not saying much it’s saying something.

I remember I had a friend who got his mom hooked on meth with him. He was doing it for about a year until she caught him doing it and freaked the fuck out. He told her that it was diet medicine and before you could say “bust out the pipe” this middle aged suburban woman was smoking meth with him. The dad had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t complain when the house was cleaner than it ever was, her body was thinner than it was when they married, there was always big feasts cooked and dude felt like he had a new lease on life and on his marriage. He had never been happier until she emptied the bank account and ran off with her drug dealer. My friend ended up going to rehab, getting back on track, landed a good job and a wife and shit but never heard from his mother again, she’s probably sucking dick on the streets near you, so next time you hire a 60 year old drug addicted whore, you can thank him for hookin’ you up, because if she never did meth with him 10 years ago, she’d never be taking your load on her face.

I guess that’s a pretty sad story, but them’s the breaks.

Bonus

Another day in summer camp, or celebrity rehab, or whatever the fuck Lohan is doing in efforts to clean up her image and today’s activity involves going on a hike with friends and smelling the fucking roses. It’s a hard life when you’re young, rich and think of yourself as so fabulous even though your hurting on the inside and self-medicating, crashing cars and slutting yourself out.

Lohan seems to have let herself go, I guess the lack of cocaine that I bet she’s still doing in the comfort of her rehab center that is probably provided by the staff, because she’s not really in there to get better, she’s in there to look like she’s getting better, but she’s still rockin’ a gut, so I guess there giving her food.

I am not about to call her fat, because my wife is fat and I know fat in ways you never want to know fat, but I will say that she’s fat for a celebrity and that she’s giving the girls some pretty negative example by showing off that quitting drugs and booze makes a bitch lose all of her sexual appeal, leading me to believe that being on drugs and booze made Lohan a better fuck and now that it’s all over she’s gone to shit….So I guess the lesson of the day is to stay on drugs.

It is hot outside, I just woke up and I got no fucking stories worth telling….I’ll keep trying though.

These pictures were taken couple days ago and they are of her going to a movie when she was in rehab. I already gave you a taste of my experience in rehab where I wasn’t allowed to do anything, couldn’t make a phone call, was forced to do chores and group therapy with other nut jobs who had been driven to drink because they were raped, molested, mistreated, had low self esteem, hated themselves, never had a father and other fucking things that were leading me to drink because my life wasn’t as bad, I just drank because it was fun. Anyway, if my rehab experience meant days at the beach, days at the movies, late night pizza parties and whatever else this slut is doing, I would have tried to stay in there longer, rather than spend my days plotting my escape.

What Lohan needs to be plotting is a way to land a better body. Bitch is boxy has no real ass, but what she does have of an ass is some weird indented shit that reminds me of her Mercedes after she crashed it while jacked on coke and drunk that lead to her stint in rehab holiday. Her legs are thick and she runs like a retarded kid at the institution during soccer hour, but I still like to think that I am connected at the soul with this bitch, I just haven’t bothered writing about it, calling her, sending her myspace messages, busing to LA to hide in her closet and stalk her proper, because her quitting drinking has really let me down. I don’t want anything to do with her until bitch drops the bible and self help books and starts eating pussy in club bathrooms again.

Rehab for celebrities is like a fucking vacation from a life that is already a vacation. I remember when I was sent to state issues rehab the shit involved a cinder block shitty prison where we’d have to clean and do chores in the morning and meet for 3 or 4 group therapy sessions in throughout the day where I’d be forced to listen to other addicts talk about the depressing shit that’s happened to them over the years turning them into the addicts they are leaving me in desperate need of a drink. The only real benefit of this shitty facility was that the food was included and I guess where there’s free food and a bunch of people who hate themselves, there’s always a good fucking time.

In the rehab facility I went to, we weren’t allowed to leave for 5 weeks. I met people who made me want to try drugs I had never heard of and when I got out I was drinking within an hour. I guess I kinda bullshitted them when they went through the exit exam questions, if they ask you if you are suicidal say no, if they ask you if you love yourself say yes, if they ask you whether you’re going to drink again say no. If only school was that easy, I’d have my fuckin Doctorate and I wouldn’t be wasting my time going to to dictionary.com to see if I spelled spelled right, or is it spelt. I don’t fucking know, but I do know that a dry Lohan in a bikini makes for good times, but I am lookin forward to her falling off the wagon.

Haven’t seen much of Lohan in a while, except in my dreams, unfortunately. She’s been in rehab and working out because exercise gives us that the natural high and what better way to kick one habit with another one with positive effects. I had a friend who quit meth years ago and took a liking to brushing his teeth chronically. Other addicts find Jesus. Lohan find the elipticycle. The funny thing about these pictures isn’t her ass, but her “Unstoppable” hat, It’s like rehab gives these idiots stupid tools to cope like t-shirts and hats that say positive life changing things because if you wear it you start to believe it.

I personally don’t like ironic shirts, they kinda piss me off because every frat boy and their sister has an “Idaho no you da ho” shirt, but if it makes a bitch flash her tits then I guess I shouldn’t complain about being dressing like jackasses.

Either way, I was emailed Paris Hilton’s address in prison, so I decided to write her a letter. It’s one of those back them into the fucking corner like a caged rat and force them to read the fucking thing situations. I capitalize on all opportunities to tell people like Paris I exist so this is what I wrote her.

Paris Hilton #9818783
450 Bauchet Street
Los Angeles, CA 90012

Dear Paris,

I was just sitting next to a middle-aged woman who was talking to her friend about how she went to her gyno and he told her that she had a tight box. She said something along the lines of turning sand into diamonds with her shit or something and I thought of you. Not because you have a tight box or because you’re a middle aged women or because you visit the gyno as much as you probably should, but because you were on the cover of the magazine they were reading.

I used to call you and text message you about a year ago pretending I was talking to a bitch named Brenda from Maryland who broke my heart. You played along with it for a while, you even told me that Lohan had herpes but never told anyone who she banged raw dog. Then you blocked my number and told me you were going to call the cops on me. I was forced to start calling Stavros instead and he got all emotional on me when I made fun of him for giving Petra Nemcova herpes, but you don’t care about that. Water under the bridge. Right.

What you do care about is living through this prison sentence. I want to tell you that I am there for you when you get out. I figure this prison pen pal shit makes dreams come true. I actually met my fat wife Claudette when she wrote into me when I was in jail for robbing a convenience store for drugs about 15 years ago. I welcomed her attention and her pictures and decided that I’d move to Canada to be with her as soon as I got out and got cleared to enter Canada because they don’t like criminal records in. When I met her for the first time at the bus station I was pretty disappointed that she was about 300 pounds and those hot pictures she was sending me were of her cousin. I still married her because I had no where to go. But you don’t care about that. You are too busy caring about yourself.

I know that you won’t really have to worry about having nowhere to go when you get out. I know that you will go back to normal and will be back in the party scene pantyless for people like me to post on the internet and talk about. I know that a month after you get out, you’ll forget your claims to be a good influence to the kids who look up to you, what you don’t realize is that you are a good influence to the kids. You’ve made every 15 year old for the last 5 years drawn to filming sex tapes, rockin’ out at parties, throwing education out the window while sitting in VIP rooms and wearing designer clothes. I don’t think girls would be half as slutty as they are if you never hit the scene. So when you say you want to get your priorities straight, you have to recognize the good you’ve done for people like me. You don’t know how many times I’ve been in bars or in the park where I’ve seen girls jokingly flash each other their vaginas on camera or how many ex-girlfriend sex tapes that have hit since your ex-girlfriend sex tape. Even when they are staged, they are hot. As you know, little miss businessperson.

A lot of people sympathize with you for being raised in luxury and how this prison thing is a culture shock for you that you don’t deserve. They say it’s like letting a Panda born in captivity out into the wild for the first time to fend for itself. I always argue that even crackheads who robbed a bank for crack still cry for their moms when they get sent off to jail. I also think that there are laws in place for people to respect and if you don’t respect them you gotta pay the price, so stop being such a fucking baby about things. I fucking hate spoiled bitches and their whimpers, unless those whimpers are sounds of joy while sucking on a dick, but not my dick because I am impotent.

So stop complaining and start making license plates. I figured you to be versatile and just think of this as another episode of simple life without the makeup and that ratty piece of shit anorexic sidekick of yours. Take this like a holiday; make some friends, and just keep reminding yourself that at least you’re not me, it’s a fate worse than a week in prison, it’s a life sentence. I just hope you don’t get your period because I hear the other inmates are drawn to the smell of blood….not that you have much to worry about because HPV ruined your uterus, at least that’s what someone told me.

Now that I have you cornered with nothing better to do by read my letter, I decided to show you some of the stuff I’ve written about you over the years…but I hate going back through my archives, but I’ll let you do it when they give you some computer access at the prison learning center. The website is www.drunkenstepfather.com, it’s the best website on the internet that nobody reads.

The real reason I am writing you this letter, is not to make fun of you, it is to bring joy into your cold dark lonely cell. I don’t really give a fuck about the whole thing, but I do give a fuck about making myself famous and I plan on using you.

I figure we can do things two ways. Firstly, you can send me exclusive pictures that you take of yourself when you get out and I’ll post them exclusively on my site. I hate the paparazzi and figure if they’re making so much fucking money off you that you should eliminate them from the process by hiring a photographer to follow you everywhere you go so that I get good original pictures that everyone will want to see. Secondly, you can give me the exclusive Post Prison Interview that barbara walters has a soft on for and who is probably paying you lots of money for but I think you should choose my site just to throw people off and prove how Prison has clouded your judgement.

Speaking of clouding your judgement, I read that you’re having a real hard time trying to convince them to keep you in the psych ward and I have a solid solution for you it’s called Poo Art. You are pretty much stripped down to basics and have limited tools to convince people you’ve lost your mind and the best way I know how to do it is to use what god gave you and that’s shit. Basically, you just start drawing all over the walls of your cell with your shit while singing love songs from the 80s. When you are finished, or all out shit just start banging your head against the wall repeating your name over and over…it always works for me when I want out of a job or whatever.

Either way, To help you make your decision I decided to write you a poem and bEy write I mean copy from the internet and pretend I wrote it because I am not that creative.

I was too lazy to look for a poem to copy in, but I do look forward to a letter back from you because I think I deserve it for taking the time out of my busy day doing nothing to write you. Take care of yourself. Make me famous. Remember me when you’re out.

I guess this officially means you’re my prison girlfriend. I’ve always wanted one of those.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com
info@drunkenstepfather.com

PS – I was going to include pictures of my asshole as jokes but it’s too inflamed and my shitty digital camera screen broke and doesn’t work, maybe you can buy me a new one since we’re technically in a relationship now. Thanks in advance.

PPS – I wrote this on toilet paper that I stole from the gas station because the only other paper in the house is old grocery store flyers my wife accidentally pissed on. I think I made the right choice. Cuddles.