I always like watching middle-aged women trying to relive their youth. I was walking down the street the other day and saw some annoying mother with her two tween daughters wearing the same fucking outfit. They all had tights, UGGS, cellphones with decorative bullshit on them and were all drinking an iced coffee drink from Starbucks like they were Hayden Panettiere, who by the way, I decided to mention in every post today. They were all talking like annoying fucking teenage girls and for some reason, it made me want to take the mom’s virginity, even though it was long gone.

I was at a bar the other day and saw a group of older bitches trying to rock out to Soulja Boy. They were laughing and having a good time, which was good because based on their looks they didn’t have much else going for them and it was nice to see that despite their shortcomings and bad aging, they could still have a good time. I don’t think they had any idea what the Soulja Boy song or the dance was, but they were wasted and looking for husbands. It was funny realizing that I am the same age as they are but I am way more in tune with pop culture….I got my finger on the pulse of that shit thanks to the internet being my social life and everyone knows that doing an old lady dirty get me pregnant so I can have meaning in my useless lonely one night stand filled life old lady dance to Soulja Boy just doesn’t fly, like Superman….Crank Dat.

Either way, here is Heidi Klum back on the runway for her Project Runway show, that I like to call the retirement plan, because bitch is too old to model, but still looks better than you do when you put on your mom’s heels and pose in front of the mirror, fruitcake.

Here are some Petra Nemcova topless on the runway body painted pictures.

If I was an art student in college this would be my career goal. When all the pansy artist hippie motherfuckers with their potluck dinners, ratty thrift store clothes and bohemian trying hard to live the artist way cocksuckers would try to get all introspective and analytical on my airbrushed canvases of flames, a bikini, a t-shirt and every other thing I’ve seen airbrushed on a bitch, I’d just look at them, smile and say “art fag, i am going to be a body painter while your living in an artist loft smoking opium your rich art school friend bought with their daddy’s credit card, I’m going to be turning pussies into a pair of fucking boy shorts”….knowing that when that loser has dreams of being the next Picasso, I’ll have the best excuse to stare a hot chick’s naked without looking creepy. Fuck romantic idealistic bullshit when you’ve got smut that you can pretend isn’t smut by claiming it’s art…..

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but becoming an air brush body painter is a weird fucking life goal but I am glad someone’s doing it, because it motivates chicks to get naked and anything that motivates chicks to get naked motivates me to look at them get naked and remember - there’s nothing wrong with wearing pants that look like white trash beer drinking RV Camping beach towels.

Here are some pictures of Jenna Jameson modeling a one-piece bathing suit for some reason I don’t really understand. I know historically, the one piece bathing suit was designed for girls who had no business wearing a bathing suit to begin with, but you know, people have to have fun and just because they don’t look good in a bikini shouldn’t mean that they shouldn’t go swimming, even though I don’t go swimming in public because I think my stomach is pretty fucking offensive, but I guess I am just a girl about things.

That said, the one piece has started making it’s way back into the public because it’s one of those things where you show too much for so long that when you’re a little covered up it leaves things all mysterious and more to the imagination and shit. So I see how this works for girls at the public pool, but for someone like Jenna Jameson, who we’ve all seen in porn, it’s a little too late for the whole leaving anything to the imagination, except for maybe what she smells like, but that’s something you’ll always have to imagine while sitting at home, dick in hand.

That said, does anyone even jerk off to this chick? She doesn’t get me all hot and bothered and I am wondering why she’s such a success doing what she does, which isn’t saying much because I am convinced any girl can become as big as she did in porn, but the girls who are capable of doing it, have too many morals and values and refuse to fuck on camera….

That said, here she is in a one-piece bathing suit. How many times can I used “that said” in a post…I am aiming for a world record. Cuddles.