I pretend to be in love with Ryan Seacrest on Twitter. I know you hate hearing about Twitter, well stop reading this fucking post then, because it’s really the only interaction I have with a motherfucker, other than when I jerk off to him on American Idol, or when listening to his radio show while sitting in traffic on the way to the fucking office, or some shit.

He wrote that he had a last minute two day trip in Paris, and I guess this unkown vagina is the reason why. Sure, I always thought Seacrest was gay and his whole “Seacrest Out” shit was his way of prepping to come out, like everytime he said it, the words “of the closet” were struggling to come out, but his professionalism just got the best of him.

Anyway, I profess my love to him, he never answers, it’s been ongoing, to the point where his producers and I are slowly building up a relationship and yesterday’s message to him was some of my best work in 130 characters or less.

do you love me too? Say yes.Knife is to wrist.Ready to end it all.Seek your approval.1st Twitter suicide.Some paula fan shit

He never answered. Cocksucker.

Either way, here he is with his emergency Paris meeting…who is probably his hairstylist, or best friend he talks about boys with, however, there is a chance he’s fucking her.

I like grandmother’s as much as the next guy, you know, because they are usually widows, usually have money or at least a decent pension, usually make great cake, and usually can’t get pregnant because they are old and dried up, but are still horny enough to put out, if you can stomach that shit because old chicks are fucking gross to look at, but at least you know they are really experienced and have less inhibitions since they are ready to die or have early signs of dementia, making them not scared of anal or pretty much anything, and they fall asleep at 9 pm, leaving me with the night to myself to fuck with real girls, but I still don’t really get what the fuck Ryan Seacrest is doing to Miley’s grandmother’s head….

I’ve been saying how dreamy Ryan Seacrest is for a long fucking time, but nobody believes me. They just pass it off as a joke, or as me having issues with my sexuality, when in reality, that’s not the fucking case at all, dude is just a fucking miracle worker, who is involed in pretty much everything and looks fucking incredible, fit and alert when doing it. It’s like where does this guy find the time to sleep, get his hair done, shit and even jerk off in his busy fucking life, and while taking over the world is always fluffy, nice, and a bit of a fucking suck up.

Now, I’ve got proof of how good motherfucker is at workin’ miracles, because here he is on a date with his boyfriend Simon Cowell and nobody can tell it’s him behind that purple number, because he is amazing. What I wouldn’t give to sniff a pair of his dirty panties…

Here they are in video….

This is one of the weirder clips I’ve seen on a late night show, and it pretty much is a joke around Ryan Seacrest giving back to the kids during the holiday season and the way he does it is by letting them be him for a day. So they go on to show the kid in the tanning bed, then another kid getting his chest waxed and the whole thing is a little fucking creepy. I guess my thinking Seacrest was a poofter was wrong, and dude’s just a Peter Ban boy lover. I am posting it because I hold everything Ryan Seacrest clost to my heart and following his career is my passion.

When Ryan Seacrest was asked if it was Paula Abdul’s fault some fan killed herself outside of Paula’s house, his reaction was really heart felt, you know like he’s really let the death of one of the American Idol contestants affect him. He says something along the lines of Paula being a sweetheart and it being an isolated incident, something we already knew, because Paula doesn’t have any more fans, all the other ones she had have offed themselves a long time ago, or moved onto more relevant stars, putting their Paula Abdul cutouts album on a shelf next to their action-figure collection, but either way, it looks like he’s more interested in running inside to look at himself in the mirror and that makes him a self-absorbed asshole, and since I jerk off to everything Ryan Seacrest. I figured I’d post this.

So I was I somehow managed to get on this Ryan Seacrest email list that his radio sends out to and for some reason they didn’t BCC the shit…and it went like this:

Ryan Seacrest exclusively revealed Thursday that Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake will still hit the stage together despite a major section of the stage being damaged.
 
Cordially,

ST

So I responded to all:

If you knew how much I jerked off to Ryan Seacrest and his amazing hair, you’d be sending me restraining orders and not links to his site, but since I appreciate all things Ryan Seacrest, I am totally hard over this email. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone.

Cordially and With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

I am posting it because I got a kick out of it, but the this girl didn’t, I guess she’s a real fan of Seacrest.

You’re fat and shy in real life.  And your website is the biggest piece of misogynistic shit on the Internet. 

Shame they haven’t come up with such a thing as retroactive abortions. 

And my response:

I am shy and fat on the internet too. Don’t hate me, I didn’t invite fat chicks.

Love

Jesus

ps -Good retroactive abortion joke, did you get that at your rape victims survivor class, you penis hating cunt.

Ryan Seacrest is a total cunt. Just because he’s with a bitch, doesn’t mean he is into them. He’s a total poofter and this has been Ryan Seacrest Pretending he’s not gay, Picture of the Day. Even if this motherfucker had a sex tape come out where he’s fuckin 8 chicks, everyone would know it’s a cover-up. You’re not foolin any of us. Jesus Martinez – OUT – fucker.