So Mischa Barton is trying to revitalize her career after being a drunken useless whore with fat thighs who was the worst actor on the show the OC which says a lot about how bad she is at acting considering the show was the equivalent of a Soap Opera in quality and Soap Operas remind me of some shitty college student video project or porn without the fucking. The movie is called Closing the Ring and I don’t know when it hit theaters or if it hit theaters but I do know that Mischa got topless in it and I’ve got the clip of her in action.

The one thing I hate about sex scenes in movies is that they aren’t realistic, sex is supposed to be dirty and sloppy and awkward, it’s never thei gay romantic shit where you gaze into your lovers eyes and tell them how much they mean to you while you spend 15 minutes kissing her in a loose fitting top that gives the audience a glimpse of her breast before dude has his way with her in positions that just aren’t real. I’ve always said that if I ever right a movie, the sex will be real, there will be penetration, none of this high school grinding shit that gets girls horny and makes guys feel like they can never deliver the goods proper because they aren’t gay actors and actually want to stick our dick’s inside.

I guess all that matters is that Hollywood sex scenes do it for you because you finally get to see some starlet you like in compromising positions and you probably don’t care about how fuckin’ bullshit the whole scenario is, because you just want to get tits and you don’t let things like Soap Opera caliber performances upset you. Unfortunately, I do and I hate Mischa Barton more than I did 5 minutes ago.

I woke up after 3 hours of sleep wondering why my wife never wants to fuck me. Sure I’ve got the whole impotency issue and there was a time she wouldn’t keep her slimy hands off of me forcing me to reject her and tell her how gross she was repeatedly until bitch understood the magnitude of what her obesity was doing to me sexually, but every now and then, my ridiculous sexual obsession and “Always Down to Fuck” attitude gets the better of me and she rejects me. I don’t know how often you’ve been rejected by girls, but there’s something really destructive to one’s confidence and self esteem when a bitch who you don’t even want to fuck turns you down when you’re willing to close your mother fucking eyes and pretend you are slamming a Sea Manatee or someshit.

So after waking up and forcing myself to shower off the dirty thoughts I had about my disgusting wife I came up with a rant about how when you first get involved with someone the sex is retarded and never ending, then one day it all stops and not because you want it to, but because they want it to and it makes me wonder why they stick around or why I let them stick around because instead of having trouble walking from having my penis owned, I have trouble sleeping thinking about how the fuck I am going to break into her box, despite how scary the shit is. I feel like I am like a fucking David Blane motherfucker trying chained upside down and dropped into a tank of hungry sharks lookin for the magic button that will turn the box on long enough to get in and get off and get the fuck out so that I can pretend it never happened.

Either way, here’s a clip from Forgetting Sarah Marshall that was just emailed to me where Kristen Bell has some stupid sex, trying to be stupid funny, in a stupid movie that is going to be a stupid success because the public is stupid and because Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell are the stars and they are stupid hot.

GOOD LUCK CHUCK - NSFW Clip - Watch more free videos

I hate Dane Cook. I don’t find him funny and I used to be offended that this fucker was famous and making money for being such a fucking asshole and not the good kind of asshole that makes you laugh, but the kind of asshole you just want to punch in the face.

In this clip he’s banging some topless chick with his shirt on. We all know that he’s not actually banging her but the ending is pretty good because I just keep thinking about how I wish that actually happened to this cocksucker on one of his college tours. He’s the kind of guy who looks like he’s never been beaten up and the best way to make an asshole shut up is to get your big scary gay friend to rape him. Nothing ruins a man’s with a stupid sense of humor’s jokes than violating him.

I used to know this one dude who was always an asshole who would get drunk with us. He was a rich kid who thought he was invincible. We couldn’t ever calm him down, he’d just spit on people, throw his drink on people, dance with people’s girlfriends and seriously stir up shit when he shouldn’t have. We were constantly backin’ him up when people would turn on him and he never got more than a push and always walked away the bigger man. We all would talk about how he needed to get beat up because would be the best thing for him to learn there are some people you shouldn’t fuck with.

He ended up getting arrested for some stupid shit he did while drunk that involved taking a baseball bat to parked cars in the parking garage of his building that was under video camera surveillance and spent some time in some maximum security prison because it was considered a serious offense and because he had a shitty lawyer. I assume that they took his trust fund ass virginity when he was inside for those 6 months because when dude came out he never started drunken shit, he was always nice to be around and always bowed down to people bigger than him, when in the past he woulda got in there face. When I’d look into his eye, I knew that something broke him on the inside and that something was some biker’s dick who was in for murder.

So here’s the Dane Cook video that I like to believe is a real situation because this fucker needs to be put inline.

I never ended up seeing the Lohan movie “I Know Who Killed Me” because I don’t have money for that shit and because I don’t think anyone else did meaning it stayed in theaters for all of 3 weeks….but I am okay with watching the Lohan sex scene because I can only assume this is how she fucks in real life, and knowing that if I was really in the room with her and not just there in fantasy, all I’d be thinking about is shit, I hope I don’t get herpes…why the fuck am I doing this…I am going to totally get herpes…I’ve been alive 37 years and I’ve done a lot of bad things…but never got herpes…I can’t believe my dick is working this is amazing…fuck I don’t want herpes…then I’d cum. here’s the video.