I did something stupid and almost got in trouble, but luckily I didn’t. I was walking down the street and saw an old lady in her support knee high pantyhose and a can trying to walk into the bank all hunched over and no one helped her in. I ran as fast as I could to beat her to the door, I was about 5 feet away, but still took some effort, I opened the door for her and as she walked in a instinctively slapped her ass like I was a little league coach and we just got a home run or some shit. She reacted all right and looked back smiled and gave me a wink, like I had made her fucking day, while I blushed in embarrassment for doing what I did, and some cunt coming out of the bank freaked out on me calling me a pervert and a sick fuck and went on about how offensive and inappropriate I was. I told her that I was just a good samairitan doing good or the people and that I hope someone gives her a little more than a little ass grabbing because she sure as fuck needs it and I wasn’t volunteering my services because I’ve done my charity for the day and because she’s not seducing me in her support knee high pantyhose. It was an unnecessary mess that I should of avoided, kinda like Shannen Doherty walking out of her house with this Halloween mask that is her face on. At least she’s got good legs in shorts and at least I got to grab some ass. I guess with all bad there is good.

Sophie Monk’s wearing shorts, I guess she’s slowly trying to get sluttier and sluttier because we all know that girls who wear anything above the knees are just asking to get fucked, it’s been a key defense in rape cases for decades, and the reason she is doing it is because her self esteem was raped when her boyfriend left her for Paris Hilton, that’s kinda like when your favorite stripper gets mad at you for getting a lap dance with the old fat chick no one in their right mind wants because she leaves shit stains on your freshly pressed khakis or some shit. It’s going from good to bad, leaving the good thinking they are worse than the bad and when the bad is Paris Hilton shit’s detrimental to your mental health, at least that’s what I am thinking. It’s kind of the way every guy feels when they find out that I banged their girlfriend at some point in their life, they feel like something is wrong with them for dating something that got with me and it always gives me a laugh because I know it true and when you get over the truth hurting bullshit, you realize that in the end you still got laid, and that’s a whole lot more rewarding than people thinking you’re disgusting.

I like to reference things I think suck by calling them “gayer than bicycle shorts” because bicycle shorts are pretty fucking gay. Unfortunately, Stacy Keibler is putting my theory to the test by wearing a pair, because when they are on some useless ex-wrestling, Dancing with the Stars slut and are short, tight, and hugging her pussy, all while showing off her long legs, there’s little gay about this shit. Even if she wore this outfit while suckin’ off a dude getting fucked up the ass by another dude in some kind of bi-sexual porn, I’d still have trouble calling it gay and I may be forced to start calling thing I think suck “gayer than two dudes riding a motorcycle” because that is always fuckin’ gay.

Speakin of Gay, I went to grab a coffee earlier and there was some dude who reminded me of you in front of me. He was an awkward lookin’ guy you’d expect collects action figures and plays a lot of videogames and has very few friends. I looked over at him and noticed a gob of fuckin’ cum hanging from the side of his head like he just finished jerking off to anime and the orgasm was built up for so long because he’s mom never gives him fuckin’ privacy and dude didn’t realize it like he was in that Something About Mary scene but less Jewish. I found the whole thing disgusting and tried not to make it obvious, but my gagging sounds were kinda hard to pass off as gas. It was fuckin’ vile but I get free coffee at that place so I’m not about to let some virgin’s cummy hair ruin that for me like they’ve ruined posting celebrity nipple pictures by giving me a bad name and confusing people into thinking I am one of them.

Either way, here’s Stacy Keibler.

Jessica Simpson is wearing shorts to really try to live out this whole country thing, because the only country about her was that she was born to a rich family in Texas who packed their bags to have an even richer family in California and the only thing this bitch knows about backwoods is that it’s what her dad calls anal sex and the closest thing she’s ever been to backwoods was her role in Dukes of Hazard, kinda offending the actual backwoods folk who listen to her shit as it pollutes their contry airwaves and coutry music festivals she shows up to in these offensive costumes, like the time I went to a Caribbean festival dressed like Blackface, that’s I lie, I was actually wearing a KKK cape in the car because my friend bet me that I wouldn’t do it, and he was right because that’s the kind of shit that gets you shot, but I did go to a Jewish Temple once with the Jew Cap on as a joke that wasn’t really funny and turned out to be really fuckin’ boring….but yeah, Jessica Simpson is doin some hollywood shit, not relating to the market she’s trying to seduce and is pretty much pissing everyone the fuck off and the whole time she’s doing it, I would love to be fucking her…..

PS - I have a fever so if what I write makes no sense, it’s cuz I am dying, ya fuckin’ Pervert.

So Kate Hudson likes to show off that her job isn’t really a job but more of being at some location for a bunch of hours a day doing nothing and getting paid hard for that shit. I used to have a job and when I did, making stupid faces and acting like an asshole never got me the promotion, it did get me fired with a request to seek psychological evaluation. We all know that acting is the biggest scam out there, where actors pretend how hard it is because they don’t want everyone else jumping on their shit and making it harder for them to land these jobs and make their millions of dollars pretending to be in stupid situations in their make-belief land. Either way, she’s wearing shorts and shorts are a step closer to naked than pants so enjoy.

Mariah Carey is in Japan because that’s the only country that is crazy enough to care about her and they got her to throw some pitch at some baseball game. She was classy enough to show up in her Mariah track jacket and workout shorts while wearing her high heels because they are the only thing that makes her fat legs look thin. I guess the joke that is Mariah Care continues but on an international scale and I guess it doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t mind her and her weak chin throwing anything down for me, preferably my pants, because I have a useless set of balls I wouldn’t mind her singing to.

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I like how the circle of life works, one person dies another is born, one couple breaks up and another one ends up getting married because gay marriage was finally legalized and all their fabricated commercial emo shit can go down under the legal contract that locks them together called marriage. I am talking about how Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson right before Ashlee and Pete Wentz got married and how this probably ruined Jessica Simpson on the inside, kinda like how Tony Romo did to her insides while he had her vulnerable vagina crying on his bed, only with a lot less semen.

Either way, here are some pictures of Jessica Simpson before the wedding showing off some tits because she’s back on the market and knows that dudes like tits.

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And here is Jessica Simpson after the wedding in Cabo to Deal With Her Jealousy of Her Sister’s Wedding and She Isn’t in a Bikini Yet….But Probably Will Be…so keep yourself posted.

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This post is legendary and by legendary I mean not very interesting at all but worth posting because short shorts are in style this summer, at least that’s what it looks like because I was out over the weekend and every girl was wearing shorts where ass cheeks hung out of the motherfuckers and pussies were suckin’ those fuckin’ things up like they hadn’t been fed in weeks….and that makes me a fan.

The truth is that anything slutty making its way into the mainstream is something that I support because I am a pervert and there was a time when the only girls who wore these things total were fuckin’ sluts and looked down upon by other girls, making the girls who had the bodies to pull it off and who were sitting on the fence about rockin’ these in public choose to not put them on. That made people like you and me the losers in the situation, which isn’t saying much because we were losers to begin with but it’s saying something and that something is that when you see Hilary Duff in anything slutty, you know that shit’s not slutty anymore and is all of a sudden considered wholesome because her virgin touch purifies things since her only sexual experience was when she used to eat Good Charlotte’s pussy and that was a long time ago….since then it’s been occasional accidental masturbation from when she pressed up against the jet of her jacuzzi for a few minutes longer than she was supposed to…

Either way, here’s everyone’s favorite cowgirl who’s only experience with a horse was back when she was younger and would climb up on her sister’s back and I approve.

Everyone posted these pictures of Hayden Panettiere in a pair of short shorts showing off her shitty thick body and I wasn’t allowed to because they belong to my good friends at Flynet who are emailing my host to shut me down for using their pictures. Just to let them know that I may not be allowed to post their shit, I can still get my point across and that point today is that Hayden’s pretty much nothing much to look at but here are some Hayden Panettiere’s Proving She’s Got a Vagina With Her Vagina Huggin’ Shorts to make up for my inability to post the new pics thanks to the big bad paparazzi machine that hates me.

I was having a conversation about Lohan with some internet chick the other day because I was trying to get her to send me nude pictures and the celebrity angle is the only way I knew how to relate to 20 year old bitches. I was asking her if she would rather fuck Lohan or Paris and she wouldn’t give a straight answer. When she asked me, I told her that I would never fuck Paris Hilton, I don’t know why because I have no standards, I have fucked girls during their herpes outbreaks and none of them looked as good as Paris Hilton which says a lot about the kind of pussy I get. I just find her trash, expensive trash, but trash nonetheless. It’s like when a wife catches her husband cheating and throws the wedding ring in the garbage. Sure that ring is expensive but motherfucker’s covered in rotting vegetables….but I would fuck Lohan.

I think what it comes down to is that sure Lohan is a bit of a hipster poser trying to fit into that whole coke party scene where the kids look homeless and listen to electro, while Paris is a bottle whore who goes to the clubs where cheesy dudes drop 1000s of dollars to look like they are ballin, while their waxed worked our chests match the glisten in their hair gel.

So the point of all this is to say, Lohan is just cool shit as far as I am concerned and I can see past her shit smeared skin and bloated sloppy body, and it’s good to know she’s back to hitting up the clubs, because that’s when she’s most accessible.

Bonus - Here She is in Shorts Yesterday During the Day

Bonus - Here’s Her Shitty Photoshoot for Paper Magazine

I caught my wife cleaning the toilet with my toothbrush the other day, she’s creative like that and probably saw it on some soap opera or shit she watches on tv all day. I was actually really happy to see her cleaning for the first time in the last 5 years together. But then I realized that Paypal has all my money and I can’t buy a new one. I am not sure what I did to piss her off, it may have been coming home with a pair of panties from a girl I convinced to take off her panties in the club and bragging to my wife about how amazing of an experience it was by making her smell them to see that they weren’t clean, but none of that matters. What does matter is that my mouth tastes like I’ve been eating shit and yes, I know what shit tastes like, it’s a long story that I don’t want to relive.

Speakin’ of shit here are some pictures of Shauna Sand at some event dressed as classy as this whore can get with a Chanel bracelet on. She’s the kind of girl you could probably convince to let you shit on them because it would be taking your sex life to the next level, when in reality you just hate her for being such a whore and shitting on her is the only way to make yourself feel better about things.

Either way, the good news is that washed up ex-Playmates may be the only people dressed like this on the daily, but it’s Halloween, so get ready for everyday girls to be doin’ the Shauna Sand, even though they’ve probably never heard of her. All the madness starts in a few hours.

Here are some Kirstin Cavallari pictures from the set of some movie she’s working on. Yeah, it’s hard to believe that she’s working on a movie but I can only assume it will be one of the shittiest movies ever made….

I went to a strip club recently and when I was there the girl was wearing a similar outfit to Cavallari’s. She was in cut off jean shorts and had a push up bikini top and she looked like she was pretty hot, until the clothes came off and I realized she was dumpy as fuck. I am not into discriminating bitches for being dumpy, because all pussy is worth at least lookin’ at, but when she got on stage she was a wreck of a performer. She kept tripping and falling all over herself. When she did her pole tricks she kept hitting her head on the ground and she almost kicked the dude I was with in the face. She got on all fours to do the booty bounce because it’s popular but couldn’t manage it and just looked like she was flexing her ass muscles and lookin at a flexed chick ass is one of the least sexy things out there. There was nothing hot about the performance and I laughed at least twice.

I like to think Kristin Cavallari is a lot like that stripper. She’s not that talented or good at what she does, but she doesn’t realize it and still gets on the screen for people to watch and laugh at, but when she’s sitting around in a push up bikini top and short cut off jean shorts, I got no problem lookin’ at her tits….