Someone sent me this video of Madonna playing one of her shitty songs, but as someone who constantly re-invents herself she’s doing it with a guitar. I am not sure what happens about 1 minute 50 into the video but it seems like she either forgot the words or the back-up vocal track was off. I’d like to say that Madonna can’t multi-task and struggles with singing while playing, but I like to think that it’s actually a combination of not being able to sing and not being able to play the guitar and both are happening at the same time. It’s like the time I decided to tour old folks homes in North America as a dancing juggling mexican, I couldn’t do either but figured they’d be an easy crowd to please and the truth is that I was just doin’ it for the pussy. Yes….I have no idea what I am talking about.

When I first heard this song I thought it was some lesbian soundtrack shit that woulda been great for a Women’s in Song compilation that your mom would keep in her minivan that you drive because you can’t afford your own car, but the more I heard the shit, the more I wanted to remind the girl who sings it why she chose to be a lesbian by giving her my useless penis and showing her the worst sex in her life then saying something like “Yep, that’s what all the hype about penis was all about” so that she could go back to her lesbian life knowing she made the right choice without always having it chiming in the back of her head when her girlfriend’s pussy smells or when her girlfriend’s on the rag or when her girlfriend starts nagging about why she never takes her out anymore or when her girlfriend gets mad about her always forgetting to put the toilet seat down because she pees standing up or when her girlfriend complains about how she’s always out with the boys and never calls or some shit and she feels like she’s had enough of being a dyke and wants to throw in the fuckin’ towel. I feel like I’m a good asset to lesbians who are sexually confused, like the best way for them to really believe that they never want to deal with penis again….

Either way, I am posting this video because Tyra looks like a fuckin’ asshole when she mouths the words and dances around as Leona Lewis performs and I thought it was funny and that’s pretty much all it takes for me to throw something up here, while it takes me a lot of alcohol to throw up in everyday life. Both equally depressing.