I don’t break stories and I was tipped off that this whole Audrina Patridge tattoo shit was some kind of Ashton Kutcher Punk’d the Next Generation prank on the public. So when I got this email that deciphered what looks like the shittiest Chinese character tattoo, something that looks like it was drawn on with a box of Crayola’s, that reads “Pork Fried Rice”, I knew it was a shitty joke on us and that the tattoo is faker than her tits, because the reality is that I’ve seen better fake tattoos on poor kids covered in dirt at the local fair and you know they don’t have a budget to trick us into thinkin’ that panther on their chest is real….

Sure people get ugly tattoos all the time, and sure they get Chinese symbols that don’t translate into what they think theyt translates into because the people getting Chinese character tattoos are usually clueless, yes I am talking to you, and they people giving them their shitty tattoos are usually trashy beer drinking bikers who they met at a flea market. I have seen this happen so many fuckin times, but never so big and obvious so I call lie on this shit. Not to mention Ashton’s fame died about 3 years ago and the only people he can easily recruit to do his shitty show are either friends or people starved for attention aching to be legitimately famous and who are willing to do anything to get there…someone like Audrina.

Either way, fake or not, shit’s still fuckin ugly but not as ugly as these pictures of Audrina as a Pussycat Doll because it is all her rich kid ass is good for….

Audrina Patridge is hanging with the wrong crowd. Her candy coated rich kid upbringing kept her on the rich side of the tracks. You know with tennis lessons and summer camp and luxury cars and now she’s trying to give the finger to her family by hanging with some big breasted, tattooed, lesbian biker chick. In trying to keep up with her new crew, she’s decided that the only way to get respect from them is to go out and get a gang tattoo on her wrist, potentially the best club slut place to get a tattoo, the only thing worse than that shit is if bitch gets it in white ink and it’s a playboy bunny or the Chanel logo or some stupid saying in another language or some shit, like every stripper dreams of getting. I guess it’s not her fault she’s trying harder than the rich Jewish girl I met getting pierced and changed out of her Jewish Girl outfit of the day, and rocked leather and tight jeans like it was halloween and she was actually hardcore and not a spoiled brat. The only hope we have is that the needle is tainted and she gets herself some AIDS and the good news is that she’s enough of a slut to make that happen on her own, without dirty needles. Either way, she’s got good cleavage so stare at it a bit, like you were there…..

UPDATE Ashton Kutcher’s stupid show can’t lure anyone high profile to fuck with the media and this is his genius idea of tricking the media into writing about some no name d-list slut so that he can get the last lame laugh. If this is a segment on the show, dude needs some better writers because I am not posting it cuz I care she’s getting a tattoo, I am writing it cuz her tits are busting out of her shirt….

So Mena Suvari is a lesbian and this is her tattoo…it says Word, Sound and Power, in the event you don’t know how to read, which is pretty fucking possible considering the shit I attract to this site. Now for those of you who don’t know, Word, Sound and Power was some Reggae band in the 70s/80s and there was a movie about them that played at all art-house movie theaters in the 80s. I watched a documentary on the late night feature and this one was almost as popular as Rocky Horror Picture show. I guess it changed Mena Suvari’s life or some shit because she got it permanently branded on her back. Who knows, maybe they paid her to do it for the DVD release or some shit.

This is a lot like the time I convinced a whore I was fucking and who actually fell in love with me because whores turn out to be pretty vulnerable and always fall for the first guy who doesn’t ask them to insert things in their assholes, to tattoo my name on her pussy mound, knowing I was going to dump her a few weeks later, but just because I thought it was only fair to brand myself on her for life, like she branded me for live with the herpes virus. I also figured that I could become a local legend by using her pussy as a marketing tool, like some kind of billboard that all the Johns she’d later end up fucking for money would askwho this “Jesus Martinez” motherfucker on her pussy mound was leading her to tell the story of how I broke her heart and was the one who got away….

I guess Mena Suvari’s tattoo is not really like that story at all, and more like you getting your favorite band branded on you for life because their songs move you so much, only difference is that Mena Suvari’s getting pussy in all this and you’re not….

Here are some pictures of a classy Megan Fox with her shitty tattoo and hot tits that got her out of the gutter she obviously came from because no girl from money would be impressed by Brian Austin Green enough to let him have sex with them.

I read somewhere that bitch was poverty and luckily for her family, she wasn’t ugly, because when you’re poor and have a good lookin’ kid, it only means one thing and that is a meal ticket. The reason is that poor ugly girl just have absolutely no hope where as a hot poor girl can always find a way out, whether it’s sucking dick for money, dancing on a pole for money, or hooking up with older married men, getting pregnant and blackmailing them for money. There are options…

I guess the point of all this is to say that her Marilyn Monroe tattoo is obsolete now that Lohan has taken on her personal and trying to steal her thunder. Now every time anyone looks at Megan Fox they are going to think of Lohan. It’s kinda like the time a friend of mine drank the last beer, so I fucked this girlfriend when they were on a break and gave her herpes, knowing they would get back together and every time she gets an outbreak they’ll think of me. I win motherfucker….

It turns out that the tattoo artist that did the Christina Ricci prison tattoo on her tit that posted earlier, released the pictures he took of her tits, I guess to draw attention to his studio or his amazing job of a pretty played out bird that he’s probably done 100 times before.

He probably convinced her to let him take the picture by being overly excited about the piece and showing her all the other girls who let him take headless shots of them for his book, claiming that no one will ever know it’s her, knowing perfectly well that pictures of her tits would be worth something for him one day and I guess he deserves a pat on the back for that kind of quick thinkin’.

Every time I try to manipulate girls into getting topless or showing me her tits or masturbating for me they always see past my scheme, but that’s usually because I bust my camera out and call all my friends to let them know what I am doing and how funny it is that the bitch is about to fall for it…right before she actually falls for it. I always jump the gun like that.

I just realized that the redhead in the pictures is a chick and not just a dude with a bad haircut. I have a bad habit of ignoring ugly people even when they are talking to me. It’s like some kind of superpower that just makes them invisible. So I guess that makes a lot more sense, because girls seem to love getting naked for each other with little convincing or manipulating, making this post pretty fucking useless, not unlike every single post I’ve ever written…

What isn’t useless is how good her plastic surgeon was, because bitch’s scars are barely there and all the fat chicks who I know who have had breast reductions all look like they had a meeting with a psycho pervert in a parking lot late at night and got shit done with a chainsaw in a back alley even 10 years after shit healed. So enjoy.

Today is an exciting day, because I found out that I have a reader and that reader comes to the site everyday and thinks that the site is worthy of being a daily read. I am pretty surprised that anyone who comes to this site actually knows how to read, I was convinced that everyone coming in was either . Either way, he sent in a side shot of Kat Von D’s tattooed pussy. You can’t really seen anything incriminating, like her dick but it’s a good enough view for you to jerk off to if you have a thing for inked up bitches.

I don’t know why but I find tattoos lame. I think they were cool on rockstars and bikers back in the day, but then frat boys who liked rockstars and bikers and action sports started getting full sleeves and now all these emo kids are getting full body shit done and I find the shit obnoxious, trying to be different when really being the same. So I am a lot more into a nice non-tattooed girl with some nice soft skin than some rough and beat up lookin’ slut from the gutter, but the funniest thing about the whole thing though is that the girl who looks like she’s from the gutter, usually has a lot more class than the pretty little non-tattooed girl who needs constant reaffirmation that she’s pretty by taking dick. Not your dick. But dick.

Either way, here’s that Miami Ink bitch Kat Von D’s side shot of her snatch because she’s hot and you’d like to tattoo her with your cum. Sick-o.

Here’s the Youtube Video:of Her Getting Her Done:

I was trying to deny that Mena Suvari was a dyke, not because I think she’s hot and want to give her my cock, but because I don’t think lesbian haircuts mean lesbianism, but that was before I saw her tattoo of a lion, because once a bitch gets a king of the jungle cat tattooed on her you know she’s pretty much coming out of the closet, because everyone knows that cats represent cunt and lion’s represent “Super” cunt . True story.

Ok, so I am not good at telling jokes, maybe you should just go back to watching porn and I should go back to eating because I realize that writing this shit bites into valuable eating time and I also realized that when you watch porn, you’re actually getting off to the dick. Homo.

These pictures are of Mena Suvari at the Toronto Film Fest premiere of some movie called “Stuck”.

It turns out that I won Best Blog in the Montreal Mirror Best Of Montreal awards. I don’t really know how I feel about this kind of local recognition, but it is a changing day in my life.

I guess the first thing I’d like to say is that I posted that picture they ran of the kid trying on his mom’s bra as a joke because it made me laugh. It reminded me of when I used to hang with a kid who turned out ‘mo later in life. Dude was always trying on dresses, bras, make-up and shit and I never wanted to take part in the fun. I didn’t post the picture because I am into little kids wearing bras.

The second thing I’d like to say is that being outed to the city you live in as a blog or a blogger is fucking embarrassing. Blogs are for losers and are written by losers and usually those losers aren’t my kind of loser. They are virgins, they are techy, they are lonely and feel like they have something to tell the world and that no one around them is listening. I am just a guy without a job and an addictive personality. Doing this is cheap, it keeps me out of trouble and I don’t usually drink all day because it gives me some sense of purpose. So admitting that I am a blogger is almost humiliating and would much rather be known as a drug dealer or homeless dude on the street….

That said, Montreal is a pretty small city, but the people in Montreal seem to love it. I am sure that not a lot of people voted, I am sure that not a lot of people even know my blog or will even check out the blog, but coming in first for a guy who has always come in last is a pretty funny turn of events and made me laugh a little.

I do think I deserve it. I am pretty sure I put more time into this shit than any normal person would and I still think that my site is better than most, even though I constantly put it down. I assume some of you voted for me and that was pretty cool of you. I know cool is not commonly used to describe you, but we’ll let it slide this time….asshole.

Since my winning Best of Montreal doesn’t deserve a post of it’s own, here are some pics of a tall Adriana Lima at some Dance For Tolerance event that sounds pretty fucking gay to me but I guess dancing for a cause is the whole reason strippers exist. Like that shitty ironic t-shirt says “I support single moms”. By the looks of Lima’s foot tattoo, she’s probably in a Brazilan gang and it’s safe to say not a virgin…