Audrina may not be smart, or very good looking, unless of course you are the kind of guy who volunteers at institutions designed for handicapped people because you find them so fuckin’ sexy with their chronic masturbations and glassy eyed, drooling smile, but she does have a rockin’ body and I am all for girls who lack substance and beauty making up for it through working out, eating disorders and even a good set of fake tits, even if I hate fake tits, they are sometimes nice to look at if done right and despite hating everything this fake bitch stands for, I can’t dis the boob job cuz she was done proper and it’s not like I’m fucking her or paying her for lap dances and forced to suck or grab at the hard weirdness implants feel like. I’m just window shopping….

Speaking of shopping, it’s nice to see that Audrina has taken some time away from wasting her life and filling her days with spending ridiculous amounts of money on designer clothes to fill her empty life and has got into her bikini, because when you have pretty much nothing to do with your days except star in a shitty reality show I want to see hit by a terrorist attack, you might as well do it half naked.

I guess her life is one that should be envied, but that’s not saying much coming from me because I envy the weirder shit life has to offer, like the other day when drunk, I went into a gas station to grab some candy at 5 am and saw some cracked out hooker walking around in bare feet, screaming at the clerk and trying to be lead back into the cab she came from by her John and the cab driver, only to end up pissing herself and making a mess all over the floor and being abandoned by the cab. It was nice to see that she was so fucked up she had no concept of anything going on around her, the world was her to do what she wanted, when she wanted, with no fear of getting raped or killled and the conventions everyone else has to follow like having a job, being civil and wearing shoes. The whole time I was thinking to myself how much better her life was than mine, so I guess my expectations are pretty low.

Here’s Audrina in that bikini.

I was stuck sitting next to a couple that was making out hard at the bar last night. Every time the annoying dude would get his tongue down the bitches throat or his hand up her shirt her fatter friend would come in and break them up because I thought she didn’t like seeing her friend fall for this loser’s shitty game because she was fat and fat girls like attention but it turned out that she was jealous and wanted the loser for herself and they were pretty much fighting over him, that never happens to me, I don’t know how it ended because I couldn’t deal with that kind of Soap Opera drama when I just wanted to get drunk and break things.

That story has nothing to do with Audrina Patridge and her fake tits that her dad got her when she was 16, at least that’s what I was told, but like the fat chick no one should give this bitch the time of day, but for some reason there’s always some asshole lame enough to inflate her ego and that asshole is you because you find this shit hot, when all I see is last week’s kitchen garbage.

Here are some pictures of Audrina Partridge from some Halloween party dressed like Madonna in the 80s who was apparently some kind of sex symbol at the time, but looking back at it now, definitely wasn’t because she looked like a fucking clown. I know that there are some people who like clowns to juggle at their kid’s parties, even though anyone who becomes a clown is usually a drunken degenerate or a pedophile, making wanting to fuck them a smelly and awkward experience, that probably happens because girls have the weirdest fucking sexual fantasies, like fucking their teachers or bosses, or fucking virgins (which is good news to you), or even fucking their dad’s friends, because there’s power in making someone break the rules for their pussies.

Either way, I am sure she’s a nice person, because with a face like that, she’d have to be, it’s pretty much all she’s got going for her, other than all her money from being on a shitty TV show….that I’d like to wallet fuck even if it meant telling her how beautiful she is everyday. I hear girls like that shit.

It turns out that girls from The Hills were all out on the beach the other day, running around in their bikinis, and giving us all something to look at, I can only assume something scandalous is about to happen on the show, otherwise they wouldn’t be out together. I may have never seen the show and I have no idea what their dynamic is, but I can guarantee that they all hate each other’s guts and call each other cunts and have cat fights behind closed doors but that’s only because that’s how girls are, especially stupid girls who crave attention and want to be the big stars, but in reality what the fuck do I know about girls….other than that I love tits, ass and vagina…

I was hanging out at the local cosmetic counter this past weekend, because on weekends in the early afternoon, girls borrow their parent’s cars and show up to get their essentials for the week or for the night out that lies ahead so they they show up in casual clothes, like tights or yoga pants or whatever makes their asses look amazing….Either way, the only products they have for dudes in the place is cologne so I’m standing there in the cologne section, trying not to get busted looking at this hot 18 year old’s ass that is squatting and I can swear I can see her full box defintion from behind, when this homeless looking tattooed up 60 year old bitch walks in and starts giving herself a whore shower. So she’s spraying herself down with all different types of cologne and is shaking like a meth addict and sees me looking at the hot chick through the shelving….She doesn’t realize that I am being a pervert and thinks I am actually shopping and that I just busted her, so she comes over to me and starts giving me advice on what cologne to buy, like she’s an expert and a serious cologne shopper when in reality she’s just tired of smelling her own ass when she sits down and this is her best solution to the problem because it’s free unlike doing laundry…Either way, she fucks off and I look back to the hot ass and it’s gone..

Here are those Lauren Conrad pics, because she’s still young and tight bodied and I’d totally watch her squatting in front of me at the cosmetics counter of the local department store…

I have never watched The Hills, mainly because I have a penis…and because I am not a 13 year old girl or some kind of homosexual, even though homosexuals seem to be popping up everywhere. It’s like it’s really cool to be gay or someshit. When I was younger, faggots would stay in the closet for fear of people hating them or bashing them, so they’d get married have kids be miserable through the 90s, sneak out on “business trips” and brokeback mountain camping trips, give their wife AIDS then by the time the year 2000 hit, Gay becomes cool, Tom leaves his wife for some dude, she’s devastated and has AIDS, his kids get all fucked up, his daughter disowns men and starts eating box and his son becomes a tranny and the gay movement continues because all these gay kids have gay fathers and it becomes one big “Gay is Okay and socially accepted and it’s wrong to beat up fags and drag them behind pick-up trucks or leave them in ditches to die because we hate gays” party and I guess that’s okay because it’s natures way of population control and because without fags we wouldn’t have bull-dykes and I love getting dirty looks from bull-dykes who hate me for having a penis, it makes me feel like I am an animal in the jungle and she’s about either going pounce and rip my penis off and shove it down my throat, or invite me to go camping at the Vegan conference…

I went to a bar the other night, that used to be a dive and I hadn’t been for a while. I got drunk and realized that 80 percent of the men were poofters, and although the place was filled with chicks who were obviously too good looking to talk to me, they were all dancing on their tables and shit with dudes who thought they were Britney Spears and I felt like the place had turned into a gay bar. so I got drunk because that’s really the only time I feel good.

The point of all this is to say that I don’t watch The Hills….it’s about rich sluts from California that everyone fell in love with when they were in high school, it was scripted reality TV and this bitch Audrina Partridge, who I’ve never heard of, is one of them Now she’s on your screen in a bikini….have fun because her body is pretty tight, her razor burn hot and I’d totally do her.

So this is some bitch I’ve never really heard of because I am not really into the whole MTV thing since I don’t have cable, and even if I did have cable I would probably be watching Discovery to learn how things are built or TLC to watch the Baby Story show. It turns out that one of my friend’s from the park just found out his recent mail order bride is pregnant and that they will be having their first baby in 9 months from now. So I’d like to use this site to say congratulations and good fucking luck ever making it back to the park when you’re too busy changing diapers and shit. You life as it was is over, but that’s not a bad thing because drinking on a park bench with a bunch of losers isn’t really living anyway.

A congratulations goes out to this couple too because it turns out that this breast implanted Varsity Cheerleading Squad Captain lookin’ stripper and her boyfriend who looks like some dick named Blair who is the Varisty Tennis Team Captain just got engaged. It’s like one of those obnoxious blue blooded engagements you see in the movies where the Prom Queen and KIng live happily ever after or some shit. Lucky for us, this isn’t a movie, and the chances of him sticking it out with her are pretty fucking slim, because her fake tits or not she still looks like a horse….and tits are only a fun distraction when your ugly girlfriend gets them and for the first 6 months of her having them and then the novelty wears off.

It’s like when you got your first Nintendo you could really only handle Mario and Duck Hunt for so fucking long before you had to beat up and steal from the fat kid at school who was an only child and who had every game ever made because his parents felt guilty for not giving him a friend to play with and compensated by giving him toys….

Let’s hope that daddy goes bankrupt, boyfriend leaves her and that she can’t land work and is forced to turn to stripping because her fake tits were like a business expense that made her pretty qualified for the job..