The funny thing about cheerleaders is that they usually fuck the football team, in Hayden Panettiere’s case she is the football team. This strong man has thick muscular legs built for lifting and I have the feeling that she originally applied to be a stage hand or Kristen Bell’s bodyguard and the director realized he needed someone to stand in for a Fridge on set. When she did such a good job being boxy in the corner, he figured she deserved a talking role.

All this is just speculation, but what isn’t is that Hayden is short and stalky, like a retard bus, but can hold her own in the big man’s world because genetics gave her strength, and that strength is the ability to lick her own asshole while juggling because that’s just what circus performers do and pretty much the only reason I like them.