Rihanna is one of those girls who I watch sing and think about how badly I wish she was using my mic for a dick. I mean my dick for a mic. The reason she gets me going is because she is a hot black girl who isn’t all eyes and teeth, she’s like some Caribbean mix from when the white man rape the locals and it looks good. She is the first black girl I ever really wanted to since Aunt Jamima broke my heart. I was really only into her because she was a provider and had big tits and makes good pancakes and owns some kind of empire and I woulda totally be fucking her wallet and living the good life, but then I realized that bitch didn’t exist and was a figment of my imagination fueled by her hot pic on a box in my cupboard, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t devastated and couldn’t look at another black girl the same until this bitch Rihanna came along.

The funny thing about Rihanna is that she’s carrying this dog around with her everywhere she goes. I am jealous of the fucker because not only does he get to follow her around, see her naked, accidentally sniff her cunt, watch her shit and suck dick and shower and everything you’d want to see her do, but he also gets to lick her dirty panties and eat her used tampons, and there’s nothing more that I want this second than to be Rihanna’s tampon. Sure I am not all absorbent and shit, but I am not good at anything and that doesn’t stop me from trying….see how inspirational I am. If I was you I would totally turn to me for advice because ending up in the gutter isn’t that bad of a place to be as long as you’ve got cheap cigars and some kind of song and dance routine you can take to the street to make money to eat, cuz no one likes a talentless bum….