This is the new Lara Croft from what I assume is Resident Evil, but I am too lazy to look shit up because I don’t really care, I don’t play videogames and I don’t watch shitty action movies because I find them offensive, but I do remember living with a dude who did like videogames about 10 years ago and he would play the Lara Croft game all fuckin’ day and dude would always call me in to show me the “crawling” position and talk about how hot her ass was and I knew that he got hard for that graphic and realized that there are some desperate and weird peole out there, then I started the site and through emails and comments realized that there were more people like my friend out there, the kind who spend their days playing video games, and nights jerking off and fantasizing about videogame characters, wishing they would crawl out of their computer or TV screen and into their beds, so I feel it’s my job to post these close-up shots of the new Lara Croft’s vagina, because not only do I like vagina, but I like helpin out virgin losers who need guidance and if that’s not you, because you are just in denial, then these are for my old buddy who I lost touch but who probably hasn’t lost touching himeself to the idea of a cartoon-like videogame slut with big ol’ tits and a gun.

I like pussy, even if shit is wrapped up in a pair of underwear, because I know shit’s still there. I know everyone has seen Sharon Stone’s pussy, but that was when it was younger and it’s always nice to see what life’s changes have done to a vagina, it’s like watching your baby go to it’s first day of kindergarten and not only because it smells the same as when your kid shit’s his pants out of fear, but also because of the the natural growth of the human species and it’s times like this that makes us appreciate just how magical life is. Unfortunately for Sharon Stone though, the magic is more of a retired grandfather struggling to pull some tricks he learnt in the war and less like the magic I thought I experienced when I thought I lost my virginity but was really just jerking off to porn in the 80s, I blame the acid.

Everyone finds this bitch hysterical and I don’t see the funny in what she does, what I do know is that her shoulders are so fucking broad she probably didn’t land much cock growing up and that’s why she’s overcompensating, kinda like the funny fat kid in the back of the class who makes everyone laugh so he always gets invited to parties instead of made fun of and left in the corner where he belongs, and sometimes the hot chick decides to fuck him when she’s wasted because he makes her laugh.

I was never that guy because I am not funny, I am just an asshole and that usually makes one other asshole laugh while just hurting the feelings of person I am making for of and that doesn’t get you invited to the parties, but this isn’t about me, what it’s about is Silverman.

This is her stupid act that involves her disgusting vagina and ass singing along with her. It is harmless and would go over huge at a frat party meaning that you’ll probably like it because you are a loser. I always thought girls thinking their pussies having a mind of their own was kinda cute, but the thought of Sarah Silverman’s ass or pussy makes me think scary things, that don’t involve singing but do involve a weird alien creature crawling out of the shit like some kind of miscarriage gone wrong and grabbing you by the dick and forcing you inside.

I know you really like the idea of an ass and pussy talking because in your fantasy they are convincing their host to give you a shot, an while you’re in there they give you words of encouragement as to just how good of a job you are doing. When the truth is that if Vagina could talk, they’d all be begging you to stop poking them there and screaming for help while the woman they belong to is passed out in the back of a cab and you’re taking advantage of the situation. You’re such an opportunist and I guess I have no choice but to respect that.

So I’ve been posting these pretty disgusting clips of Whoopi Goldberg talking about menopause and how it makes her panties wet, which was surprising because the thought of Whoopi in panties makes me sick to my stomach but the thought of her in a pair of wet panties makes shit all okay because as long as a pussy is wet, I’ve got no choice but to try to stick things in it. There’s nothing less attractive than sticking your hand down a sleeping girl’s underwear to find nothing but a cold dry pussy because it makes sticking things in pretty hard and since the fucking thing is unwilling.

Anyway, Roseanne was on Craig Ferguson’s show that I am shocked actually is still on the air and she makes some vagina surgery jokes. I always just assumed that since Roseanne is fat, her massive vagina would be buried and not meaty, so I can only assume this is a joke, but if it isn’t and she’s serious about wanting to use her disgusting empty donut box, I probably wouldn’t say no. That’s not saying much about me, but it’s saying something and that something is that I am a fucking sick person.

I don’t really know if Sophie Monk’s got one of those vaginas where the clit hood pokes out like it’s stickin’ its tongue out at you but it looks like she does in these tight pants she’s got jacked up and I find that hot. I used to be all about the coinslot because I was convinced they didn’t exist so I’d ask every girl I came across if she had just a slit and they would be all awkward before telling me I’d never find out. None of that really matters, what does matter is that despite her being damaged goods for gettin’ with the Good Charlotte sister, I still think she’s got it going on and can see past that. The way I justify it to myself is that she’s from Australia and in Australia they do things different. People who are lame here are cool there and vice versa, so I can’t blame her for falling into his trap, it’s probably just a cultural thing. I remember seeing video of the New Kids on the Block in Japan 2 years after their careers in North America died and girls were still fainting for those poofters, and a lot of dlisters here are huge stars out there so it all makes sense.

What doesn’t make sense is how he went from this chick to Paris Hilton in what’s gotta be a major fuckin’ rebound, we’ve all been there….but I can guarantee whatever kinda heat she’s got packin’ in her pants has nothin’ on this girl’s outty pussy and the truth is that neither vaginas have anything on his brother’s cock that he misses so much….

Pam Anderson works for some magician in Vegas when she’s not too busy having sex, neglecting her kids, doing tons of cocaine, getting marriage annulments and whatever the fuck else a washed up whore who is only famous for her tits does with her time when her face can’t stay as young and fresh as the rest of her.

I guess the magic trick they are working on is the disappearing panty, or maybe the trick is the fact that her haggard vagina can still fit inside a pair of underwear, but barely because you can see some lip and not the ones injected with collagen, I’m talkin the ones injected with hepatitis cock. Enjoy.

I am not really impressed when I see someone who is borderline certifiably insane not wearing underwear. I am impressed when I see someone who is borderline certifiably insane dancing while drunk and talking to themselves while taking a shit in their crazy man pants on public transportation because some of those multi-tasking fucker’s are pretty talented, but don’t smell so hot…..

The source of Britney’s crazy is that she is addicted to being wanted because for so many years everyone from your dad to your little cousin wanted to get up in that and all of a sudden that disappeared and it wasn’t like the time your girlfriend left you for the asshole she worked with who had a bigger dick than you, this is like every single girl in the world turning on you thinkin’ you’re disgusting…probably something you’re pretty familiar with…..

Either way, if she was taking a shit or shoving a can of soup she stole from the dollar store in her while crying, or if she was trying to steal someone’s baby to shove back in her womb to make her feel like a mom again this post would be more interesting, instead it’s just some girl who could be crazy but is probably just an attention seeking whore showing a little skin or skin colored panties and that’s not the kind of skin I want to see, I want flaps motherfucker, despite how gross her vagina could be, you know all discolored and post pregnancy with her bad hygiene that is discharge heavy, but she does keep it pretty well shaved and I don’t think she’s fucked half as many dudes as you have. Give me more Britney.

I wrote this post yesterday about Britney Spears’ upskirt but for some reason it never uploaded properly and I didn’t realize until now. So Here it is:

And Yesterdays……that i posted yesterday but that disappeared…

So everyone rags on Britney for being crazy, when reality is that all girls are fucking crazy except when they are young and not trying to be like Britney, but that’s just because the crazy hasn’t matured and blossomed into a nice crazy flower. I was out last night and this hot bar tender asks me if I am in a band, because I guess dudes in bands look like middle-aged homeless dudes who smell like shit, so being smart, I said yes, because had I told her I write a useless fuckin’ website no one reads, my chances of finger-banging her while doing shots would have been a lot less.

Either way, she buys me shots, I tell her I want to marry her, she tells me she has a boyfriend, you know how it goes. I end up barely making out with her, more like accidentally grabbing her and shovin’ my tongue down her throat, and she was having it, until she remembered she had a boyfriend, turned on me, bitched me out and get me banned from the bar.

What I am getting at is that a little Britney upskirt action isn’t a sign of her being an unfit mother or insane, it’s a sign of her being a fucking chick and if we were to put every girl under a fucking microscope like we do with her, you’d all probably be suckin’ dick and taking it up the ass within a week, not that you aren’t already doing that, but you don’t want us knowing, because you and your buddy were drunk and horny and heading home alone with boners and figured that since you have a hole and he’s got a hole, why the fuck were you wasting your time getting rejected by chicks. It only makes sense…right? Fag.

I was emailed this video from someone and basically Tyra tells her audience to go home and take out a pocket mirror to check out their box to see what they are dealing with, kinda like what you do with your asshole every night before sticking things in it, weirdo. The fact that her audience don’t know anything about their vaginas is fucking obscure to me, because ever girl I have ever met has been pretty good friends with her vagina and so was every guy who had ever crossed their path. Maybe I’m hanging with the wrong crowd and should hunt down bitches who have no idea how their cunt’s work, but I have a feeling that someone who knows what’s going on in their pants is a lot more willing to let me find out what’s going on in her pants too, kinda like sharing the wealth, than some bitch who pretended her vagina never existed all her life.

To me, there is no perfect vagina, I’ve come across so many variations and they all feel the same, so girls who are insecure that your pussy looks like a roast beef sandwich, don’t worry about it. Guys are fucking horny and desperate and have no issues sticking things in your brown-edged, pink, meaty junk. Tyra, I’m talking to you.

I like skinny chicks and I know that pisses off fat chicks, but it’s just the way it is. My theory is that I am fat enough for the two of us or maybe even fat enough for four of us and what it really comes down to is that the thought of two fat people banging disgusts me. I have been with fat girls and my vaginal penis just couldn’t make it’s way into all the right places, our stomachs or her fat ass kept getting in the fucking way, so god knows why the fuck I married a fat chick, because I hate them so fuckin’ much, but I guess I was lonely and found it comforting to have someone pay my rent for me.

Now here is the sequel to yesterday’s Gisele bikini pictures, where we get a solid look at her small, tight ass, and it may not make black people or white people who pretend to be black people excited, it works for me because bitch is skinny and that’s kinda my thing and as a follow up to yesterday’s question about whether she had a dick or not, it looks like she’s got some vagina definition, so either she’s legit or she’s just good at tucking things in and taping them down.

I am pretty slow on this because I am pretty fucking hungover. I guess that’s what happens when you drink but drinking shouldn’t be an excuse for me because I try to always be drunk.

I decided that I want to do a video of doing things sober and proving that I can do the same task while drunk…like important shit like performing surgery on someone, operating heavy machinery and whatever else you consider important. I probably won’t do it because I hear the camera adds 10 pounds so I wouldn’t fit in the frame but lucky for you, Britney’s vagina does.

I am not going to write the standard shit about how it probably smells like cheetos or that she’s so dirty and gross because I don’t care what people say and it looks pretty nice and well contained to me and because I am sure the women reading this have way grosser shit going on in their pants and have probably had a lot more unprotected cock than Britney ever has, but you just don’t realize that you’re a slut because you don’t want to admit that shit to yourself and because all your friends are sluts too and because you let the guys wine and dine you while the whole world isn’t watching you so you think you have self-respect. But we know what’s really going on with your meaty fucking junk.

I overheard some chick ranting about Britney replacing the words to the song “Gimme More” with “I’m a Whore”, I felt like my brain had just been raped by her bad joke that she thinks is genius and probably dropping to everyone she sees like she just found the cure to cancer…speaking of rape now you can live out those Britney rape fantasies with a picture of her box, instead of that useless drawing you made on the back of a cocktail napkin.

Here are some Sienna Miller frontal nudes from her movie about being a hippie. I don’t know about you, but the hippies I know rock serious fucking bush, none of the manicured bullshit that she’s got going on. I have always been a fan of bush, in theory, because bikini waxes are too fucking mainstream and I like to see a girl go against what’s popular, but the problem is that most girls with bush are either lazy, don’t fuck or are tree hugging dykes.

I got this email from a reader today:

well i started growing my bush, for you, obviously, because everyone else i try to tell about this thinks im gross, and i have really straight hair, like asian people straight and i fucking hate those asians, but anyway, i wanted my bush to go POOF right, no. its goes down. i now have pussy bangs.

I thought it was funny that my one reader is a chick and that she’s willing to grow her bush out for me. It makes me feel like she’d probably lick my asshole with shit still in it and I guess this kind of power makes me feel like some kind of important celebrity type that groupies run up to to bang when they see them out in bars. Unfortunately, that’s probably not the case with me, and this girl is probably in her 40s, hates her life and has a weight problem but at least she made the effort to make me feel like she’s actually doing something so dirty for me, even if she never sent a picture to go along with it.

Either way, here’s that Sienna Miller Pussy, that’s probably seen more cocks than you have and possibly more cocks than my 84 year old prostitute friend who’s been doing this suckin’ dick money shit for over 6 decades, but I’d still like to bounce quarters off the shit, even if I’d have to hit the streets and beg for change, because quarters are pretty much my life savings and I don’t think Jude Law’s sloppy seconds are worth my life savings, but with other people’s money, I am totally down because let’s face it, her junk’s not as meaty as most pussy out there, and meaty pussy is about as sexy as sucking on a fucking scrotum.

I don’t know what I am talking about, look at the pics.