Tatu are those Russian pop stars from awhile ago who decided to dyke out on stage to gain popularity and escape the iron fist of communist rule. I was hanging with a couple ugly Jewish girls who I met at the bar I was at last night and the fat one seemed pretty horny. She kept talking about how she’s never eat pussy but would and then went on and on about how good she is at suckin’ dick. She was trying to piss off her ex-boyfriend by acting flirty with me. I would have never gone for it because despite not having standards, I just wasn’t feelin her desperation for cock and that coupled with her busted face and body grossed me out. It turned out that these two girls were cousins and I thought it would be funny that while in their drunken state, I made them make out with each other since they were already pretty touchy feely. They were about to bite before realizing all the levels of wrong that touched on and instead called me a sick fuck and avoided me the rest of the night.

Either way, this is their new video where one of them gets naked.

I am being lazy today. It happens. I am not inspired from anything going on and I only woke up at noon. That’s the luxury of being an unemployed piece of shit who drinks too fucking much and stays up until all hours of the night trying to find love.

This video came my way from Complex magazine, the same people who featured me as one of the Men of 2008, which hasn’t done much for me but has given me credibilty in the shit that I write so that people send me hate mail, I have that stamp approval to win all arguments and until the person I am battling is man of the year too, I just can’t take them seriously.

Speaking of battling, here’s some video of Olivia Munn beat boxing like she was a brother in the 80s who couldn’t afford a boombox but needed to provide a beat for her rapping friends only she’s doing it 20 years too late. I fuckin’ hate beat boxing with a passion and find it completely unnecessary and on the same level of talent as a 5 year old who can burp the alphabet or my wife who can make fart sounds with her bare sticky back when she suctions it up against the wall.

Either way, she’s talking about panties and fucking and smelly pussy and that’s every virgin loser who likes comics, videogames and masturbating’s dream.

This is a Maxim Hometown Hottie winner from 2004 named Brittany Lee doing some “modeling” work for Hustler Lingerie and by modeling work I mean showing off her retarded fake tits for their photoshoot because every other stripper was too busy giving lap dances to make the appearance and none of the other strippers have the prestigious Maxim Hometown Hottie title to go with their fake tits, so Brittany Lee was pretty much the only choice.

I always made fun of the Maxim Hometown Hottie contest, not because I think Maxim is a piece of shit magazine, but because the girls in in are pieces of shit. I think all these hometown hottie girls grew up with dreams about being a Maxim covergirl as they jealously watched their boyfriend’s flip the pages of Maxim. Then one day, they noticed that Maxim offers everyday hot chicks the chance to be in the magazine and they get all excited with the hope that they will make it into the shit, it will be their big break and important people will find them and offer them work. They will be famous and they’ll get half naked to make the world see just how great they are.

What you end up having is a bunch of attention craving sluts going up against each other to win the championship of attention craving sluts delusional about how important to the world they are and convinced it will lead to bigger things.

I guess that concept is pretty genius on Maxim’s part and deserves a high five for finding willing, free and slutty half naked girls to feature, but unfortunately for the girls, the second the issue comes out, everyone forgets who they are because no one remembers a slut’s name, they just aren’t that important, but if their tits are big enough they can land classy work modeling Hustler Lingerie. I guess the next step for this Brittany Lee bitch’s career is the Heidi Montag Heidiwood catalog…or the gutter..which ever comes first.

Here’s a video that’s surfaced, but is probably from a while ago, of Dita Von Teese dyking out on video with a strap on. I hate Dita Von Teese, she does tame bullshit burlesque shit and looks like a vampire from the 1800s and that makes me feel uncomfortable because all I keep thinking is that bitch doesn’t wash, has the plague and shit’s in a chamber pot in her brothel boudoir or some shit.

I don’t know if this is news because I feel like I’ve seen her pussy before but blocked it out of my mind because I knew she was fucking Marilyn Manson. I remember she did Playboy and was internet famous before her celebrity really hit and now you can watch her rockin a strap on because lesbians may not be cool enough to fuck you, but when they let you watch them go at it, they are are better than all the other girls who don’t fuck you and unfortunately a hell of a lot better lookin than the lesbians I know who want to rip my dick off in some kind of victorious win for women everywhere, but that’s not really saying much because those lesbians are taking male hormones and have hair on their chests and clits the size of a really small penis. True story.

So I’ve been celebrating a holiday I am not allowed to celebrate because I am not American, and drinking is my kind of protest, but I also like making excuses about why I am drinking at 6 am on someone’s couch with a dude who has webbed toes, like he was some kind of Hayden Panettiere circus performing freak, except that he’s more attractive than she is, because he can hide his creepy disorders in a pair of fuckin’ socks, while she’s wearing that shit on her sleeve everytime she leaves the house and starts juggling.

This is the video of her photoshoot for GQ that was probably the hottest she’s ever looked.

This story hit at some point last week. Paris was at some sex shop in Toronto and she demanded they take down her posters because they are disgusting and threatened to call the cops and her lawyer. You know what’s disgusting? The fact that you let that loser videotape your bad sex, only to sell the shit and make a lot of money off it. I am guessing she thought that shit would have died down, since the sex tape is almost 10 years old, so when she did it, it all made sense and helped launch her career and isn’t happy that her dirty little past is still following her around. I am only posting this because it just landed in my inbox and I thought it was pretty fucking ridiculous.

The only leak I expect coming from Britney was one that came from her rancid vagina or maybe even her asshole that she’s lost complete control of since the babies, not because she’s got a medical issue, but because she’s lazy.

So as the number 1 song in America right now, this new video is a big deal, almost as big of a deal to the world as her going to rehab, losing her kids but getting visitation rights, or that she got her driver’s license on Tuesday but refused to do a drug test and some dude’s shopping around her sex tape….

Reality is that we really shouldn’t give a fuck about this mess, but I know that whenever you hit up a club and this shit drops, every girl in the place is going to slut dance, and despite having no respect for club sluts, I got no issue with watching them dance around or cumming on their faces or at least pretending that I am cumming on their faces when I in reality I am just creepin’ out in the corner cuz I am really just too drunk to walk.

Here’s the video.

When looking for shit to post today - I came across this picture of Nicole Schrezinger’s barely there nipple in her video and this funny post alongside:

If you think it’s photoshopped, download the video. Skip through the frames at around 3:31.

It reminded me of what I assume the 5 of you are like. You rent movies because they have a nudity warning and when that nude scene hits you pause the shit and when the DVD was invented you got fucking excited because of the zoom feature allowing you to focus right in on the nipple or ass on the screen. You are the kind of guy who saves every bikini, topless, nipple slip, upskirt picture you can find of celebrities and even have a folder on your hard drive called “Celebrity Porn” where you have each picture cataloged by date it hit the internet. When you meet up with your other virgin friends, you all talk about girls and what sex would be like and which celebrity you would marry if you ever met them, assuming that they’d totally see past your lameness and just on your dick, because I guess that’s what fantasies are for and when you’re done trading your notes on what movies and what timecode in the movie the best nude/ hard nipple/ tight pant/ short skirt scene hits, you’re at the comic book store wondering what it would be like to fuck a cartoon. You are weird, you are a collector, you like videogames and you are my only fan.

I’d like to thank you for that with this Nicole Schrezinger Nipple at frames that start at 3:31 in her video…You’re welcome for making your day today an easier one…..Cuddles.

I don’t really know what the deal with this video is but from what I understand, some dude is tired of girls pissing outside his apartment window and he takes fucking action. I don’t know if I would mind girls pissing outside my apartment, I think I would be the kind of guy who runs the fuck down as fast as I could so that I get a glimpse of their pussy and if I was really fast on my feet I’d dive into the stream so that my golden shower fantasies with random girls I don’t know who are drunk come true….but I am a pretty slow mover and the last time a woman pissed on me when I was lying in bed with her. It was my wife and she was too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom and although it felt warm and comforting for about a minute it ended up smelling like shit and giving me a major rash. I can only assume she had a UTI or her kidneys have given out on her.

Either way, this video is amazing. Watch it.

So this is the video of Paris Hilton walking out of jail with a big smile, shaking hands with the people, like she just ran a marathon of hope for retarded kids. I am convinced that bitch hasn’t changed at all, now that it’s over she can go back to her whore life of being self absorbed useless waste of space and she can also make a little money from the whole experience with her book and sudden spike in media interest in her. I wrote her a letter, she never responded. So bitch is dead to me, unfortunately she’s not dead to all of you and you motherfuckers will just keep feeding her story and ego as the next months unfold. She’ll be in magazines, on TV, in newspapers on the internet, making appearances and speeches and being interviewed It’s a whole new beginning for Paris in the limelight, and probably not a new experience for her to make a difference with her celebrity. What you will see happen is simple, young girls everywhere will be trying to get DUI’s on a suspended license so that they too can live the Paris life. It’s like the sex tape revolution all over again, only girls going to jail is a lot less interesting to me than girls sucking dick.

I know Entertainment Tonight is on in about 30 mins where I live because I only have one channel and it is usually on in the background while my fat wife eats her chips, but this video is of David Hasselhoff wasted being filmed by his daughter and it is pretty fucking funny. I just spent the day at the casino because all my friends got their welfare checks and thought they would win big so that they wouldn’t have to be on welfare anymore. I guss their investment and money making ways is the reason they are on welfare to begin with, but I never turn down a good time. I only had 15 dollars and I lost it in about 5 minutes but it was still nice to see where all of society’s retired trash end up on a thursday afternoon. It was like a fucking old folks home field trip and I tried to seduce a couple of them into giving me some money to play with in exchange for oral sex, but they weren’t having it. In the end I got kicked out for stealing an old man who was asleep at his slot machine’s bucket of quarters, but I didn’t get arrested.

Either way, watch Hasslehoff in drunken action with his daughter, at least he isn’t touching her inappropriately like you would be. Sicko.