As the Sexiest older lady with kids alive, according to Esquire Magazine, it’s no surprise that Halle Berry sets off car alarms as she leaves Yoga. I mean she is half black after all. Setting off alarms is kinda something they do…

I am posting these picturs of Hayden “built like a fridge” Panettiere because she is in yoga pants and seeing her in yoga pants makes me laugh because she’s looks about as flexible as a Christopher Reeves.

I got up early today and went for a small walk to get coffee. I ended up running into all the local vagrants and homeless and mentally deranged people who populate my neighborhood and who I’ve seen almost daily for the last 10 years.

I never get up this early and didn’t realize these people started out their day of loitering this early. There was the weird dude who talks to himself, listens to a walkman and is on methodone treatment at the pharmacy, there’s this tall dude who doesn’t shower and smells like shit who drinks decaf coffee all fuckin’ day at Subway, there’s some dude with a cowboy hat who is always drunk and aggressive and every time I see him he’s missing a new tooth. There’s the crazy cat lady who has a different purple jogging suit everyday, I’m talking about the kind of jogging suit 4 year olds wore in the 80s and crazy un-brushed hair who walks her 8 cats, all on leashes, there’s some really skinny guy with one leg longer than the other who smokes cigarette butts he finds on the street and then there’s homeless man dance who spent too many years doing acid and is totally OCD but seems like a genius.

As I was judging them, thinking to myself how fucking weird they were, I realized that to the average person, I was probably one of the crazies in the neighborhood they see on the daily for the last 10 years too. It was some kind of revelation where I finally grasped that to the normal people, I am as crazy as the people I laugh about for being crazy and that depressed me, but I figure if you can’t beat them and if their judgment is already passed on me, I might as well milk it and that means that now I can walk out in my underwear, shit myself and drool and fondle my penis every time I see a cute girl, because I carry the crazy card, despite the fact that I don’t want to be one of the local fixtures, I should make the best of it.

I guess maybe it’s time for Marla Maples to come to terms with her fat too. She needs to realize that she’s old and has no business being on the beach at all unless it’s at an all inclusive resort in Cuba with all the other 40 year old mothers. There’s really no place for her trying to do the splits and act sexy because despite my being willin’ to fuck her, since I’m a pervert and she isn’t fat, I still don’t want to watch her bending about like some kind of nimble 20 year old. I find it embarrassing….

I know you want to fuck Kristen Bell and it must bother you to see her bending and stretching for one of two reasons. Either she’s sore from how hard Dax Shepard slammed the shit out of her, or she’s preparing to bang the shit out of him. It’s the excitement of young love where sex is the priority and you can’t get your hands off each other no matter where you are because the raw sexual energy takes over all levels of thought and logic and it must be pretty painful for you to watch because the only thing raw in your sex life is your dick for rubbin’ it down to the bone.

Either way you can be happy to know she’s rockin’ the birth control patch on her leg so that this cocksucker Dax doesn’t accidentally pollute her womb with his spawn that I can only assume will be a lot easier to hate than him.